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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a NC family gathering one....

11 replies

fugeedugee · 15/12/2022 10:23

Short version, DH and I are fine with his parents. We are NC with his sibling and SIL as they put us in a very difficult position (it's a petty reason initially but I've taken all the blame and even PIL still say they have no idea why because I was nothing to do with the situation and it's the BiL/SIL jealousy). Sorry I know that's vague!

Haven't seen BIL/SIL for over 8 years, they've never met our children, despite living in the same town.

BIL and SIL live and work with PiL (hotel business) and they're throwing a big wedding anniversary party for PIL next month.

PIL will be furious if I don't go but im just not comfortable going knowing that I've been made the scape goat for the BIL/SIL transversions. The last time DH tried to smooth things over with his brother he out right asked him what their problem with us was and BIL said 'her!' (me) but yet still couldn't tell us what I had ever done. Literally no one, myself included knows what we've done apart from one situation (had a baby together before they did and BIL at the time said to DH that SIL wanted a baby but he didn't as he knew she was cheating on him).

Anyway, DH thinks we should just go for his parents sakes but I know it's going to be all the people BIL and SIL socialise with as they all work at the hotel.

I've considered being ill that day but DH isn't keen!

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 15/12/2022 10:27

'PIL I'm sure you will understand that it's not possible for me to attend the party. It's unclear to everyone why BIL and SIL dislike me but they have made it very clear that they do so I'm sure it will be easier for them too I I don't attend.' Ideally that message would come from.your DH as it's his parents

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/12/2022 10:34

If it’s a big party can’t you just keep away from people you don’t want to talk to and politely extricate yourself if they try to talk to you? It seems a shame to effectively punish PILs who you do like and have a relationship with for the sake of not wanting to be in the same room as two people who you don’t when there will be many other guests ensuring that you aren’t the centre of their attention.

Original poster
fugeedugee · 15/12/2022 10:37

See this is the thing, I'm literally torn between those options @nutbrownhare15 and @ComtesseDeSpair

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 15/12/2022 10:37

"PIL will be furious if I don't go."

I never understand how people can be that upset about someone not attending an event.

OrigamiOwls · 15/12/2022 10:39

nutbrownhare15 · 15/12/2022 10:27

'PIL I'm sure you will understand that it's not possible for me to attend the party. It's unclear to everyone why BIL and SIL dislike me but they have made it very clear that they do so I'm sure it will be easier for them too I I don't attend.' Ideally that message would come from.your DH as it's his parents

Absolutely this. Your DH needs to support you on the circumstances.

Original poster
fugeedugee · 15/12/2022 10:39

whattodo1975 · 15/12/2022 10:37

"PIL will be furious if I don't go."

I never understand how people can be that upset about someone not attending an event.

I don't either. DH and I, despite him being bought up at the hotel, are actually very private people who keep ourselves to ourselves (which has also been commented on in the past by BIL, says we are antisocial).

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 15/12/2022 10:44

fugeedugee · 15/12/2022 10:39

I don't either. DH and I, despite him being bought up at the hotel, are actually very private people who keep ourselves to ourselves (which has also been commented on in the past by BIL, says we are antisocial).

Show quote history

BIL sounds like a dick.

If you go to the party and even if there were 500 people at the party the BIL would find a way to interact with you and have some kind of kick off.

Original poster
fugeedugee · 15/12/2022 10:49

@whattodo1975 yep exactly! I fear the passive aggressiveness. I'm usually a very straight talking, have it out type. Probably why it's more infuriating to not entirely know what the problem is to start with!

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 15/12/2022 10:57

I'd send your dh and arrange a nice separate celebration with them, e.g. fancy lunch. Apologise but say sil has put you in a difficult position and you don't want drama overshadowing their special event.

MrsMyfanwy · 15/12/2022 11:06

I wouldn't go and think that you are being sacrificed. Don't do what everyone else wants. You will be on edge the whole time. I caved in once and never again
It wasn't what anyone said , it was their friends avoiding me and the looks
Take them out for a slap up meal or a day out away from

Original poster
fugeedugee · 15/12/2022 11:41

@MrsMyfanwy exactly, it's the smirking and the OTT jolly they'll be having to prove a point.

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