I have to do exactly the same as you do in your house

[UnicornZebra]

2nd AIBU this evening 🙄

Ds1 (15) is staying with his dad at last minute. He has ASD and can be challenging and violent at times. He had meltdowns last night and this afternoon and for everyone's safety (younger siblings, his, mine) I agreed when he asked to miss the last two days of school and go to stay with his dad for a week.

This evening I asked ex to pl not let ds play on th computer too late. Ex asked me how late I let him play, I replied that the later I would allow him to play is to 11pm (though he doesn't play much here) and explained that if he is allowed to develop a habit it can become a new routine and make it hard to change.

Next I got text from ds asking why I wouldn't let him play and saying dad wouldn't let him play at all now. I sent another message to ex to say I wasn't saying ds shouldn't play at all, and I was just giving him info so that he can decide what he will allow at his house, which is his decision not mine.

Then ds was calling me and shouting because I had said no. I spoke to ex and he kept saying he had to run everything past me because he had to do everything exactly the same as I do.

He said he I supporting me by doing this - but to me it seems that he is just abdicating any actual parenting and the practical upshot is that he says to ds 'mum says no' and then ds is angry with me. He is not taking any responsibility by saying he will just 'follow mums rules', especially when it isn't even something that even tend to come up here because ds doesn't game that much or that late.

AIBU to think that ex is not really supporting me and is just copping out so that ds is angry with me and not him?

I think it sounds like he thinks he's being helpful and wanting to keep to as close as possible to your routine, but he's wording it in a way that lays blame at your door which isn't helpful instead of just saying no, this is the boundary here. Can you go back to him later and talk through your approach so you're both on the same page with boundaries but also how you're going to word this boundaries? If ds is frustrated at the minute it's probably not the moment for either of you to be able to talk it through calmly.

ExH is being a dick. You asked that he keep to the (very generous!) times set at your house and he's said no gaming whatsoever by order of mum. Wtf?

Can't understand why though, this must be making his life way harder. Has there been misunderstanding?

I think this is a communication issue, he’s trying to do what you do to ensure he doesn’t cause problems for you when your son comes home. The issue is he saying the things your son is saying,,or is this your sons interpretation?

I think this is the perfect answer. I understand why it feels like you're taking all the blame, definitely agree an approach as a team and how you will word it.

That is helpful - thanks. I will communicate with him about it when things have calmed down and ds isn't listening.

Trouble is ex tends to involve ds in everything and so I will text him privately, to communicate outside of ds earshot, and he will then read out the text in front of ds and then blame me for having said something ds shouldn't have heard. Which was why I put it in a text.

He has said the things ds says he has - I heard him say them.