Brother in laws affair

[Pompom25]

My BIL walked out my SIL and very young children for OW. He gaslighted my SIL and made her think it was her fault. SIL blamed herself, in-laws blamed her, children wet the bed with stress, SIL was in a really bad way. SIL later finds out he has been having an affair since youngest was only a few months old and would have left her earlier had her parent not died. He had multiple opportunities (in marriage therapy when SIL asked him directly) to admit it but he did not and still has not. Fast forward a few years and he is now with OW. After several short term rebound relationships, SIL is thankfully now in a stable relationship and has tried to move on but is damaged. Kids are on the face of it ok. I’m still very close with SIL and have not abandoned her. DH’s family find it challenging that we remain close. I’m not really interested in getting to know the OW despite her efforts to ingratiate herself with me. No one in the family talks about it and if they do, it is still SIL’s fault for working too
much, not being attentive enough etc Infuriating! No one dares asks how they met which is a normal conversation starter. BIL is very charming and gregarious and uses this to gloss over the fact that he’s been a lying cowardly sh*t. SIL has kept quiet to protect her children and has not bad mouthed her ex but has confided in me. TBH I’m not sure I would have been as dignified as her. MIL thinks the sun shines out of his backside. BIL has basically been allowed to get away with it. DH is close to his brother and I’ve said his relationship should of course continue but I’m not making any effort beyond normal family gatherings. AIBU??! Everyone has seemingly moved on but I can’t get over the injustice of it all. If this had been a friendship group, I would have cut all ties with him but at the end of the day he is my DH’s brother and I don’t want to cause more damage to the family. Any words of wisdom?

It is a tricky one. I think had the man been your brother it may be different. I made the mistake of siding with my Brother's wife and children after he had an affair and our relationship is strained.

I think you need to play this carefully, you don't want to fall out with the in laws over something that really has nothing to do with you. (in the nicest possible way)

‘Letting him get away with it’ - is it their place to punish him? He’s a grown man, that doesn’t have to accept said proposed punishment, so the likely outcome of that is a strained relationship if not outright estrangement.

I imagine most people don’t, and wouldn’t, want to alienate their son and brother they presumably love. I personally wouldn’t see it as my place to ‘punish’ my brother for something that is ultimately nothing to do with me.

I think that if your stance is:

• civil to OW and DBIL without going over the top and
• supportive to ex SIL without committing to pushing them on her behalf

Then you are doing brilliantly!

If people criticise you, I think I'd just bring it back to what is best for the kids. It's not fair on them for their mother to be shunned - relationships break down, for whatever reason and every adult in their lives needs to put them first.

And if you have or will have kids it is good to have a relationship where you can introduce the cousins.

Just keep repeating "relationships are complicated, I'm not picking a side, but I don't see why I should give up my friendship with SIL either" or similar

BIL has basically been allowed to get away with it.

What has he got away with? Other than his children finding out he had an affair? Why would you want young children to know about their fathers sex life?

@Lovageandrose What has he got away with

Treating his ex disgracefully, blaming her to deflect from his own behaviour, leaving her to deal with all the shit he left behind. Not taking responsibility for his actions. Giving his time and attention to another woman when his ex needed him as their child was only a few months old and when she was grieving for her parent. And then bleating that she wasn't attentive enough ffs horrible excuse of a man.

Unfortunately having an affair(s) leaving dcs isn't seen as being wrong despite the hurt it can cause the ex and their dcs. So I'd continue being supportive of your DH's ex SIL on the basis she's the mother of his neices/nephews and that you're fond of her. It doesn't prevent you getting on with your BIL's new dp.

Slightly different scenario but my BIL (Dh brother) was a toxic piece of shit to his ex, they were never married so she wasn't technically my sister in law. She is however one of my best friends and is a huge part of my life even now and they've been broken up for 5 years. DHs family weren't happy I remained in contact with her, she was even maid of honour at my wedding and boy did they comment on that as much as possible. There was no kids or affair, but I can't look at my BIL the same after seeing the messages he sent her, listening to the voice notes, the gaslighting and emotional abuse he put her through etc. I keep it civil when we're around him but we definitely aren't friends and I keep a big distance. At first my DH was uncomfortable and said he needs to be on his brothers team, when she moved on and got a new partner he initially refused to hang out with her or her new partner out of loyalty. Eventually, and only in the past year has he admitted that she's been my best friend now for the best part of a decade and it's time to see her as that rather than his brothers ex and she has since been my MOH and we've spent time with her and her new partner as a couple. We haven't mentioned it to BIL because it's none of his business.

You're doing nothing wrong, once somebody has bought someone into your life they have no say over the relationship you create with that person. They do not own them and do not get to have a say over how close you become. It is difficult when you dislike family, I almost wish I hadn't seen how vile BIL can be as I don't enjoy being around him now and it's a shame I have to keep a distance because we did get on, but it's the consequences of his own shitty actions

What do you want or expect other people to do? Start booing when he enters a room? All you mention has happened. He can’t change that. He’s just living his life now and it’s on him. What other repercussions are suppose to happen? Other than spitefully hoping this family will disown him, I don’t know what the OP is expecting. Would you be willing to share OP?

It’s years ago, and in your own words “everyone has moved on” including your ex-SIL. Maybe you should too

How many years have you decided is a decent enough punishment ?

But she is remains civil and does not punish anyone, she just does not plan on having close relationship with BIL and his current partner. I would also be uncomfortable with forging a close relationship with people who showed they are capable of hurting their family so badly, or decide to embark on a long term affair with a man who has a small child and then another one.