My mum told me I need to pull myself together.

[LostSoul89]

A bit of background information - I'm 33 and recently separated my domestically abusive marriage. As a result of the abuse I have developed PTSD.

I have been attending weekly therapy and have been doing really well, panic attacks have been minimal lately. My period started whilst I was at my Mums and the hormonal shift seemed to trigger a panic attack- it was a fairly big one, I tried to breathe through it but got quite upset and ended up throwing up in the downstairs loo.

I got literally no response from my Mum, she was in fact having a friendly chat to my Dad on the phone, arranging a shopping trip. At the end of the call she sort of sighed and rolled her eyes and said to him "Ugh, I had better go and sort X out now as she's having a bit of a panic."

I feel really hurt. She's needed me for support in the past and I've always been there, day and night if she's needed me.

Am I being unreasonable?

I forgot to add then when she finally did acknowledge me she told me that I needed to pull myself together.

People don't end up in abusive relationships without some previous experience.

When parents are abusive, they are grooming their child to replicate that relationship for themselves.

Keep going with your therapy - you may find you notice more about your relationship with your Mother along the way.

I'm sorry because isn't easy. I grew up thinking my parents were hard work but essentially decent people. I was wrong and I am now no contact.

Aww she sounds uncaring. Poor you. Hope you’re feeling better panic attacks that make you sick are really unpleasant. Carry on with the therapy.

I’m really sorry you didn’t get the support you wanted or needed. I don’t know why your mum reacted as she did but I can say that until you have experienced a panic attack you really can’t appreciate what one is like (I had my first in my late 40s) - not that that’s an excuse.

I guess it could be that she’s never experienced the level of trauma that you are trying to process - or she has and has dealt with it by not dealing with it. Unless of course she’s a narcissist, has a personality disorder or something of that kind.

it’s crap but what you may need to do is to find support elsewhere, unless you think you can try and communicate to her how her reaction affects you and what you would ideally like from her in terms of support and reassurance

That's what I came on to say. OP if I can recommend a book, The Tao of Fully Feeling might be quite illuminating for you I think. We all need people in our life to witness our struggles and offer comfort, it's hard to have healthy self esteem otherwise.

@Anycrispsleft Thank you, I will check it out.

@NoseyNellie I'm fairly certain she is a narcissist

@DarkKarmaIlama Yes, they are very unpleasant 😢

@Minimalme I have already started to notice and it really hurts.

I really feel for you, and hope you are ok. I have experienced similar with my mum in the past, when I was younger there were times she would refuse to come to the phone if I called her upset, and would tell my brother to say she wasn’t in. The best advice I was given by a friend was to try not to have expectations of her acting as a supportive mum, as that isn’t her personality and I would never get it from her. It’s sad, but has really helped me. We now get on ok but only because I’ve just stopped really talking to her about anything important and just keep it surface level. Keep going with your therapy, and hopefully you have other support around you. Her reaction says more about her than it does you.

Sounds like my mother. She was like a robot, always devoid of any real emotion, never had anything of substance to say, always turned a blind eye to bad things and loved brushing things under the carpet. She let her partner abuse me when I was younger for a long time and I remember saying to her as a teen 'why do you let him do this to me?' incredibly upset. She sighed then just said breezily 'well he has depression and stress and he has to take it out on somebody' then changed the subject very quickly to shopping or whatever. Absolutely terrible behaviour. NC for a decade now and my life is a thousand times better. I'm so sorry for your situation op

Can I ask gently. How many panic attacks do you have in front of her?

Is this a rare occurrence or a regular one ?

TBH I think tea and sympathy isn’t always the solution people think it is in these situations. It will take time for you to get better and in the meantime you may have to be patient with people who don’t understand fully what’s going on

I am sorry. Mums are good at trotting out cliches, mine was. However we get over it and move on.

@Minimalme "People don't end up in abusive relationships without some previous experience"

What? This is such an odd statement. I've been in an abusive relationship. My childhood was wonderful, I had kind, loving parents and a stable home. Happy and safe. No worries. Certainly no abuse.

I’m a bit about that too. How utterly offensive and minimising for people with happy childhoods who ended up being abused in adulthood

@Laurakiaora that's great for you. I also bucked the trend having been brought up by highly abusive parents but marrying a kind, gentle and respectful man.

However, it is a known risk factor that people who experienced abusive during their formative years, are highly vulnerable to forming abusive attachments as adults.

This thread isn't about you or me.

@Minimalme sure, but you made a very blanket statement that all those in abusive adult relationships must have experienced abuse as a child which is simply not true.

Stop derailing the thread and offer op some comfort and advice.

Going nc with my dps vastly improved my mh op.

'Stop derailing the thread' = 'You're absolutely right so I'll shut this conversation down instead of acknowledging your very valid points'.

Benefit of the doubt and all that, if you have no experience of panic attacks, they can seem very strange.