To feel guilty about equal parenting?

mogsrus · 14/12/2022 17:17

personally if I’d seen him holding the baby while you ate, I’d have given him 5 stars. You should share everything, it is definitely the right path. Hope it continues

Flutterbybudget · 14/12/2022 17:26

Theres nothing wrong with appreciating that you’ve got yourself a “keeper”, and telling him that you appreciate him. But my advice would be to encourage him to continue sharing the parenting on an equal basis. All too often men expect to be thanked for “helping” with kids, “babysitting”, “helping with housework” etc, when it really SHOULD be 50/50. It’s not always possible to share every task equally, due to individual circumstances, and then the overall burden needs to be split fairly but if your situation allows you to do so, then make the most of it. Keep your career. Cherish your baby and family. And enjoy your life.
It will only be a benefit to your child and to your DH if he shares the mundane and difficult stuff as well as the good.

CatJumperTwat · 14/12/2022 17:28

YANBU to have been exposed to societal gender roles and to not be 100% detached from them. You are doing yourself and your child a great service by being able to rise above them and set an example. We need people like you to change things for the next generation of women!

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2022 17:33

If you're feeling guilt there is a great antidote to this.

Female children who see their dads do housework have a wider view of what they can achieve. (There was a study.) They envision more possible careers. This is regardless of what their mother does or doesn't do. Your DH is ensuring that your child sees their full potential.

You're being good parents. Also you get to eat your dinner, which is nice.

Crunchingleaf · 14/12/2022 17:56

We live in a society where men get praised for doing the absolute bare minimum as fathers. How many threads do we read on here where the poster tells us her partner is a great dad, but yet she is doing absolutely everything for the children.
Guilt seems hardwired into many mothers we always feel like we could do more or be better. You feel how you feel, but it’s okay to continue the way things are with sharing the child responsibilities between both parents.
I have two kids. Eldest has a useless father who needs everything spelled out to him (will contact me in a panic over basic stuff so it’s not me being a micromanaging pain).
Second has a father who does the hard stuff as well as the fun playtime. I married this one. I do nearly everything for my eldest and share parenting for second. Recently I was sick and admitted to hospital for a few nights. I didn’t need to worry for one second about the kids. My husband just got on with what had to be done. No phone calls asking how to to things or what to do. I feel grateful that my 13 month old feels as happy with me as he is with his dad. It’s incredibly stressful dealing with everything for a child on your own or with limited support.

Barbequebeans64 · 14/12/2022 18:13

I get this too! My DH is just the best dad and homemaker and we really do share the load. I sometimes feel guilty that I don't do enough (although at 25 weeks pregnant I have to remind myself it's ok to rest)

kavalkada · 14/12/2022 18:20

My husband always did night feeds and did half of the parenting. If I had a pound for every time somebody told me (all women) that I'm a bad mother and I treat him horribly, I would be a rich woman.

I couldn't care less. My marriage and mental health is good because I have somebody I can count on in every moment of my life.

neighboursmustliveon · 14/12/2022 18:58

You and your DH are doing brilliantly and setting a great future example for your child who hopefully won't face the unfair social pressures our generation has to.

Goawayangryman · 14/12/2022 19:01

This is what the patriarchy feels like as lived experience.

I went from feeling guilty to a combination of rage and pity when people told me "how good" my ex was.

Oneeyedreindeer · 14/12/2022 19:06

I am a SAHM and DH helps a lot despite his workload. He’s not perfect, he can be annoying but a lot of the time I feel guilty that he helps so much when he’s home, because it feels like my “job”. But in reality with 3 small children it’s all hands on deck/everyone trying to put out fires and I don’t think I could manage without his help! I’m never sure if it’s fair that he helps out when I’m a SAHM but I’m not sure how anyone functions without it

SleekMamma · 14/12/2022 19:23

Ah yes the dad getting a fecking medal and you get a why didn't you do more. IGNORE. Continue to ignore. Infuriating. Other than giving birth and breastfeeding the dad can and should be an equal parenting partner.

Simonjt · 14/12/2022 19:25

oh gosh what an amazing dad

What they actually mean is “my child/s dad is a shit parent. Having a partner who parents their child doesn’t in anyway make you a bad, lesser mum etc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/12/2022 19:30

Oneeyedreindeer · 14/12/2022 19:06

I am a SAHM and DH helps a lot despite his workload. He’s not perfect, he can be annoying but a lot of the time I feel guilty that he helps so much when he’s home, because it feels like my “job”. But in reality with 3 small children it’s all hands on deck/everyone trying to put out fires and I don’t think I could manage without his help! I’m never sure if it’s fair that he helps out when I’m a SAHM but I’m not sure how anyone functions without it

He’s not “helping”. He’s parenting. He’s also a parent to 3 children and he’s parenting them. Try and let this go!

Original poster

Puppyseahorse · 14/12/2022 20:36

Thanks everyone, I’m relieved I’m not the only one who feels this way and also that nobody thinks I should!!

it’s strange, I keep looking around and seeing friends and family members (same age as me) where the relationships are not equal at all- and thinking, well, if those women are ok with it…. Does that mean that I should be? Am I being a demanding shrew because I DONT want to take the lion’s share? Do my DH’s friends feel bad for him?? I know this is irrational, but can anyone relate?

@MrsTerryPratchett thats fascinating, and makes sense. It’s important to me that my daughter grows up with a different model for marital equality to the one I had, so I will keep reminding myself of that.

@Goawayangryman this is well said: This is what the patriarchy feels like as lived experience.

OP posts:

Janedoelondon · 20/07/2023 19:30

Puppyseahorse · 14/12/2022 17:03

This is such a strange feeling that I’m having, I need to know if it’s normal!

my DH is an equal partner when it comes to our baby. I know I am very lucky to have this. He’s always done 50%, including at night. We have a nanny as we both work full time, I get up with the baby in the morning, and he does bathtime. Weekends are 50/50.

I have a bizarre, very annoying sense of guilt around it- as though I’m being a ‘bad woman’ by expecting him to do as much as me.

some of this comes from comments I receive from others (our parents, strangers- ‘oh gosh what an amazing dad!!’ whenever he’s spotted at the park with the baby Etc etc) Some of it, I’m sure, comes from the example I was set by my parents, and most parents I knew growing up, where the mum did essentially everything. Some of it comes from the fact that he earns more than me.

we both work full time. I am self employed and can WFH, so I often feel that I ‘should’ be the one taking time off when the baby is sick, or when there is baby admin that needs to be done during the working day. But, I know I’ll disadvantage myself professionally by doing this, so I’m doing my best to try to keep it equal.

has anyone else felt this nagging guilt? I’m so angry at myself about it! It’s got to the point where we were in a pub last weekend, and I worried that I was being judged because DH held the baby while I was eating (I did the same for him, but he eats faster!)

I know this is an old thread, but I was searching through mumsnet for this exact issue!

I could have written this myself. Agree with everything you feel OP, thanks for making me realise I am not the only one!

The amount of times people look at me almost shocked when I explain what my husband does for our 11 month old...."oh wow he's so hands on" "wow that is good of him"... women wouldn't be praised for doing similar!

Makes me so angry!

Rant over! But yes we are in the same camp!

CornedBeef451 · 20/07/2023 20:13

I felt the same when DH started doing nearly all the cooking over covid.

People reacted as if he were the second coming but I didn't get the same response in the previous decade when I did all the cooking, including all weaning for 2 DCs and cooking two meals a day as they needed to eat at 5pm and he wanted a full cooked meal after work at 8pm.

NotebooksAndPens · 20/07/2023 20:19

I don’t think the women who sign up for 50/50 are necessarily ‘ok’ with it when it ends up an unequal situation. I know a few like this. They stay for the kids and because it’s easier than uprooting their lives but many are very resentful of their husbands.

GoForthGo · 01/11/2023 14:49

Hi, I can totally relate!

Sometimes I feel proud when I tell people about our more or less equal situation because I feel like we're setting an example for future generations, or rebelling against the norms.

But often people act as though I should give my partner a break, and I get guilty and angry so I've basically stopped talking about it with people, especially family.

All of my female friends with kids are doing most of the parenting while also working and I feel guilty if I get out for a walk.

The truth is, I do believe it takes a village to raise a child. We don't have large communities anymore but we do have men (father's) who make up half of the population of parents, so there's absolutely no reason why it shouldn't be equal unless for the first time period of breastfeeding etc.

It's okay to not be equal too if chosen by both parents.

It feels like we have made so much progress in society, yet when you become a mother ,sometimes it feels like a set back to the 1950s!

Well done and keep going.

Also I will add, that my kid is very happy. He is confident, and intelligent and emotionally connected. So we must be doing something right.

We discussed before even conceiving, that happy parents make happier children. And I don't think I would have been as happy if I had to bear the entire burden of housework, childcare and give up on my dreams. I think doing so can alienate yourself from your children. Well it certainly would have in my case.

Take care