WWYD

[kennaxc]

My close cousin and MIL don't get along, they haven't for the last couple of years. My dads 50th birthday was over the weekend and my mother and i organised him a surprise dinner. No one wants to sit with my cousin as she can be a little stupid at times and a horrible drunk. We arranged the table so that MIL and DC we're on the same side of the table but far away, hoping by being on the same side they wouldn't have eye contact.

Fast forward to MIL walking into restaurant with FIL and they don't greet my DC or her husband (husband is not at fault). Everyone gets into their seats and DC is initially fine, until she notices MIL is ignoring her and she starts to flick papers at her, and say some rude things over the table. on the other side, MIL is gossiping about her to a family friend of ours, so no one is a saint here. They hit a breaking point when DC makes a comment about my DS not looking like his dad, and being all mum, to which MIL responds that's not true and they start to argue because MIL believed it was insulting and insinuating DS wasn't my partners.

The night ended with myself, my DM and my DF who's birthday it was in tears, because of the tension between the both of them. DH no longer wants contact with DC which I can understand.

MIL called me today to say that she will not be coming over anymore until we have moved out (because we live with my parents-hopefully will be sorted through as we're sorting out paperwork to move out) as she feels like she's being a burden by coming, i told her that it was fine and no one thought of her as a burden and she was welcome to come see her grandchild, but she insisted she won't be coming and excused herself from future events as my DC is "blood" and she isn't and she should be the one to attend.

Everyone's seemingly unhappy, and I can't figure out where i'm going from here, my DC helped raise me, but on the other side is my DH. I understand everyone but what would you do from here? I've told everyone i no longer want to speak about this because of how torn it has made me. For years i feel like i've been stuck in between and frankly i can't take it anymore, it's been eating at me.

any word of advice?

Your cousin sounds like a pain and your family have put up with her but your MIL sees her for what she is and is drawing attention to it - what adult flicks paper at someone? You also seem to be minimising your cousin’s behaviour
Your MIL is right in saying she won’t attend events with this woman so you will just have to keep the families separate from now on. Or if you want joint events then keep it to parents only

Your MIL has made a sensible decision. She isn't, on the face of it, doing anything more than absolving you of more difficult decisions about who to invite where. Don't invite her to your family do's and take her GC to see her, outside your parents house.

When you have moved out all will be more easily resolved. But you really do have to think of this as an adult, a parent now. Your cousin sounds awful, from what you have said here. Something most of her own family acknowledged, again from what you have said here. You need to set aside the familial guilt (she helped raise you) and do what is best for you.

And your DH and child too. If your DH has said bluntly, no more, then you need to think this through. Who is the most important to you? Your cousin or your husband and child? And yes, it can be that brutal.

From here the answer is simple. Get Christmas over. Keep your DH out of your cousin's company. Maybe spend more time with his parents than yours if your cousin will be visiting. When you have oved it will be easier, your cousin simply never gets invited to your new home. You meet her at your parent's without DH. And you never invite her to mixed family occasions.

And yes, tell her why. her behaviour has consequences.