To think coparenting is really hard...

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In the grand scheme of things, I have a normally civil relationship with my ex! However when we were together he was very coercive, would gaslight me (and still does) and if I'm being honest made me feel like I was going mad.

The first year of our daughter's life was horrible, it was during covid and he picked me and the newborn up from the hospital, after a four day stay, hungover and had not even got in any food for me when I got home. Things gradually got worse, he drunk ten pints or more a day, got into more and more debt and our relationship became toxic. He left when my daughter was ten months old.

He has never apologised for his behaviour and has blamed it all on me... I am apparently a pschyo and abusive. A year into coparenting, he provides very little. He uses a car seat I got him, a pushchair my family brought and pays the grand sum of £300 a month for my daughter. He moved 40 mins away. Now that's the back story, the things that I find frustrating about my coparenting situation

1. He FaceTimes our daughter every night. I find it exhausting after working full time some nights. Some nights she's also tired from nursery and doesn't want to facetime. He then coos down the phone 'don't be upset, I know you miss daddy, I'll see you soon.' He can be on the phone half an hour whilst I'm holding it and if I ask him to say goodbye he gets annoyed.

1. He lives in a tiny one bedroom flat forty minutes away. We share weekends and holidays and if he has holiday to take he has her for extra days. During the week I have said she stays at mine for routine, and consistency... she has all her stuff and her own room... it's her stability. He gets annoyed by this but I think it's because he doesn't have control as whenever he has had for two nights or more he brings her back early.

1. He pays nothing for her nursery which is £1600 a month. He sometimes works at weekends but never offers me extra money. I noticed recently he has got designer trainers and clothes. When you can't even buy your daughter a new car seat I find it really annoying and it angers me.

1. If I ask him a civil question over text 'what time will you be bringing x back' he reads it and doesn't reply.

1. He continues to make sly remarks about me when he drops me off about me dating (when do I have bloody time) and my parenting.

Sometimes I snap at him as the pressure of working full time and looking after a two year old who doesn't sleep gets to me! How can I learn to not react to him? I want to move away, as I have the opportunity to move somewhere much cheaper and would spend more time with my daughter rather than at work. It would be an hour and a half commute. I posted on here with lots of supportive comments but with others saying I'm trying to stop my Child seeing her father. If anything I have gone above and beyond to let her dad see her, at a detriment to my own mental health. At what point do I put my daughter first but also think what is best for me too? And how do I have courage in my convictions when approaching this with him, as I know he will be angry if I want to move away.

Sorry for the long rambling post. I'm just over worked and over tired at the moment. Thanks for listening

Move away. Do it. Stop answering the phone to him every night for facetime. Same way he doesn't reply to your texts. If he doesn't like it he can go to court.

@UnpackThisMess thank you! I think I am scared that it will go to court maybe that's why I've been so accommodating! Your comment is so true as there have been times I've FaceTimed him and he hasn't answered or just hung up on me!

You don't have a civil relationship with your ex, he still plays games and tries to control you.

If he took you to court he'd get fixed contact.

Don't pester him for agreements, act aloof, after all he can't drop her home if you aren't in does if he doesn't agree a time just crack on and enjoy your child free time.

No more face time every day. Pre empt - DD is too tired today, hopefully tomorrow then don't answer. Or tell him routine has changed so only Tuesday & Thursdays from now on at 5.30pm, and if he's late don't answer.

Stop the FaceTiming. So disruptive and half an hour is ridiculous. Maybe once a week, at a scheduled time that suits you. Just ignore the rest of the time.

If the CMS says he owes you £300 then you can ask for more but he doesn’t have to give it to you. Free hours when she’s 3 will make childcare cheaper.

His clothes are his business.

He needs to buy his own car seat, buggy and anything what he/DD needs. Pathetic to ask to borrow one. If he can’t transport her safely off his own back he can’t take her.

Don’t move away.

Don’t answer the phone to him, put boundaries in place.
There’s no way I’d be waiting around for him to call and then sit there while you have things to do no doubt, if he wants to see her more he can up contact.
If it’s easier and best for you and your DD, move.
As long as you are making her available for contact, it’s not like you’re moving 4 hours away.
This sort of man will run his mouth about court, but if he can’t be arsed to get a buggy, car seat, or even food in the home when you were together
I doubt it.
Even if he does, you’ll already have the evidence that you’ve promoted contact.

@RandomMess great advice too! I'm normally a strong character but I find standing up to him really hard. During the time we were together with our daughter he gaslighting behaviour really made me feel I was going mad and I still get scared when he says things like ' you can't stop me from seeing my daughter' 'I'm her father I have rights too.' Even tonight, he has her for a couple of days as he has holiday to take and asked me what days would be best last month. I just found out today There is a party at the nursery, which I know she would love... I text him telling him this and that if he wanted to he could take her but if not don't worry! His response? 'Are you winding me up? You told me the days to take off and now you expect me to take her to the party.' It's so aggressive and unnecessary. Thank you for your no nonsense sensible reply xxx

He isn't your friend and he wants to hurt you.

Your DD has the right to a relationship with him not the other way around. Sure court would award contact but fixed contact not him waltzing in and out as and when suits.

He is an arse…and I co-parent with someone similar; except I don’t any more, I parallel-parent as advised by someone on here ie I manage my time with DC to suit us and when it’s his time he needs to do everything…he initially tried to dip out of parties and asked me to do them so now I usually just say DC have a party on X or photo the invitation and then leave him to it. You need to protect your time more, all that FaceTime is about control, put down some boundaries and then stick to them ….it is scary doing that as you don’t want them to kick off (my ex was also abusive ) but it gets easier each time. I also grey rock if he’s late bringing them home (every time) and the same on every other issue where he’s just looking for a fight.

Don’t spend your time trying to manage him, give up on that, so long as DD is safe just let him get on with it…best of luck

I’m no help, because I struggle so much with it myself. I’d love to move away, and have a fresh start, but I know my ex would go to court - and tbh, I don’t want to be the reason (get blamed for) my DD not having enough contact with him.
My best suggestion is to go to mediation to discuss clear boundaries, and if that doesn’t work, then go to court.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Keep money out of it, if 300 is what the CMS calculator says he should pay then that's it, unfortunately yes the nursery costs and everything else are yours to burden, not saying it's right, but legally he's doing all he has to. Take the job and make a move to the new area for a better life and do it veofre your child has any ties to school etc. As long as your child will still be available for contact there is nothing he can do except flap his guns and complain,which,yoy DO NOT have to listen to. Daily calls are too much and too imposing on your time and routines, does child get to call you everyday they are with dad? Set 2x weekly calls of whatever works but if child isn't interested then the call is hung up. Or you update 2x a week until child is old enough to hold the phone independently for 5 mins to speak to him. Have a set schedule, on his weekends pick ups are at x time and drop offs are x time to avoid messaging asking what time, just to be ignored. Put these in writing. And stick to it. You don't need to speak to him about anything else, ignore anything else from him, do not engage about comments about dating etc, don't be rude but be bland and direct when dealing in person.

Thank you for all your replies! I very much appreciate the advice and it's much needed! Boundaries are a must... he has little respect for me and no boundaries! I need to keep my cool when he does things to wind me up. (Easier said than done) thank you for the supportive comments... makes me feel stronger to stand up to him

Is anything formally agreed with the court? Nope?

Then go wherever you want. Change your number, stop answering to him, contact CMS for maintenance and let him go ot court if he wants to see his child so badly. (I predict he won't cos that involves money and effort). He's chosen to leave his child's life. You shouldn't have to suffer to facilitate him playing a part in it.

Don’t be scared of family court, they will know exactly who this man is within the first five minutes. Move. Do it. Take the plunge. And stop answering the FaceTime calls , it’s just him controlling you in your own time. He has Contact, he can coo at your daughter then.

My advice: stop co-parenting.

to be clear - I DON’T mean stop her seeing her dad. But stop trying to do the ‘togetherness’ because you’re enabling his controlling behaviour. Do you really think he wants to see his DD every night or is it more he wants to make sure where YOU are and who YOI are with?

Stop the FaceTime. You don’t have the time or energy. When he drops her off, let her in and take her stuff then shut the door. Make sure you know when he’s dropping her off so you don’t ever have to text him. Go to the CSA for more money and don’t feel bad about it. Move where you want to - you are beholden to this man and the people suffering are you and your DD

He sounds too dim, lazy and poor to go to court. And nothing is stopping you moving away legally!

You don't have time for FaceTime.
He can see child in HIS TIME not YOURS. That's all you need to say, you don't need to explain.
Start to move on mentally, by that I mean, don't look at his clothes, mentally cut ties, who cares, be a mother and parallel parent not co parent. He's a total dick and in years to come if you're still going back and forward with him you'll just regret not cutting him off sooner.
Separate your life from his. Drop child off, pick child up. That's it.
But for yourself, smile again, enjoy being a mother, don't let your memories of this time be about him, flick the switch and move on xx

You have to put boundaries in place now OP. If nothing else, it sets a healthy example to your DD who will soon pick up on the dynamics of your relationship and think that’s acceptable

A less stressed Mum that spends more time with her is putting her first. As is having boundaries and not letting her Dad use her to control you.

He will be a Disney Dad/unlike figure at best so crack on building the best life you can for you both as a single parent that does not have him to rely on.

Take control. This is your daughter’s life and you are the only safe sane parent within it. You are not beholden to him. Be firm. Be aloof. He just wants control . However fucking unfair and shit it is you are now your daughter’s advocate. Join Frolo and talk to others in the same situation for advice.

You’d be surprised at the amount of fathers that, when faced with something like this, even if otherwise lazy, will pull the trigger and go to court. He could request 50/50 and there is a good chance he would get it.

a gamble can pay off, but equally it can also backfire. It’s worth taking legal advice.

I love the term parallel parenting, never heard of it but I think it’s bang on what you need to do.

1. Stop the FaceTime she can call him when she’s able and if she wants to. Let’s face it the call is him checking you don’t have a man there. Either stop them or limit the time he only needs 5 mins for bedtime and if he grumbles just hang up!! Oh no daddy’s phone must have lost battery!!
2. get the contact court ordered , seriously do you want another 16 years of arguing about when he will see her. Even writing that sounds exhausting
3. CMS for payments then ignore anything else you see or pay for. Likewise you send your daughter and the clothes on her back nothing more. If he wants to be Disney dad then Disney dad can go out and pay for stuff.
4. Don’t move away