Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To keep worrying about when my mum will die, elderly but not unwell

19 replies

Amiterrible · 13/12/2022 19:49

Had the Normal issues of someone older
like blood pressure etc
and on medication

but I’m just very aware that she won’t be here forever
she’s my last parent
so I guess it could have to do with that ?

have you ecpeornced this before ?
I just wanna let go and just enjoy the time
with her

shes not even unwell really atm

OP posts:

x2boys · 13/12/2022 19:53

How old is she?
Both my parents are 80 ,my mum is very frail with a number of health conditions ,my Dad is slowly declining in mobility ,it's sad most people love their parents but I guess we have to be greatful they are still here .

Original poster

Amiterrible · 13/12/2022 20:09

late 70s

I’m not sure I really grieved for my dad when he died
it was like I was too busy at the time
woth everything else life had going on as much as I loved my dad

and I’ve missed him so much more recently

mums had a few health scares but is overall well

but I’m so aware of she won’t be here forever

OP posts:

PinkiOcelot · 13/12/2022 20:12

I know what you mean. I worried too.
Now I wish my mam would go to sleep and not wake up. She’s in the last stage of Alzheimer’s and really suffering. It’s horrific to watch.

carefulcalculator · 13/12/2022 20:13

It is normal, humans like to know, humans dislike uncertainty. Humans are more complicated than cows!

I think you have to accept it. Give yourself time to accept it and then put it aside and get on with the day. You can't force thoughts and feelings away.

MatildaTheCat · 13/12/2022 20:16

DH and I have lost three of our parents in the last five years. DM is pretty well but recently had a quite serious illness (recovering now) and it made me absolutely determined to take care of her. She lives quite far away but I do want to spend time with her and do nice things together while we can- which might be for many years.

I think a key point to bereavement is having as few regrets as possible.

I hope you and your DM have many good years and times ahead.

Wifflywafflywoo · 13/12/2022 20:20

I have recently had a daughter and having her has really hammered home how we aren't around forever. It's made me really think about the time I spend with people and I've started to heavily prioritise any time I can with my grandparents and parents. I'm making an effort even when I'm absolutely shattered to make lots of memories and take lots of pics with them, give them as much time as possible with DD. Grandparents health isn't great and they are elderly, parents health isn't spot on and they are also starting to knock on a bit.

I do lie awake at night thinking about how long left they have. Now I'm just trying to cherish the time we do have

fastandthecurious1 · 13/12/2022 20:25

I lost 3 parents I'm 18month :( both mine and my father in law..... he was 70 in relative health other than knee issues and cancer and Covid took him within 1 year. My dad was extremely fit and healthy young 70 and he lost a 4/5 month battle with bowel cancer. My mum was 71 less well as had COPD and mobility issues but cancer also took her within 2 months.
So my parents went from in general good health to extremely ill so fast it was head spinning.

I don't say this to scare you OP I know my situation is rare I tell you This to enjoy your mum and if she's well right now fantastic spend every bit of time you can with her. The time will come maybe years and years from now to worry enjoy hopefully much more time with your mum xx

lljkk · 13/12/2022 20:33

It's good to get your head around the reality that these things do happen.

Original poster

Amiterrible · 13/12/2022 20:34

PinkiOcelot So sorry to hear that 😰

OP posts:

Original poster

Amiterrible · 13/12/2022 20:38

I know what I need to do it just to spend as much time with her as possible and to make as many memories as possible

inknow it’s not good and pointless to worry about what’s not I’m my control

OP posts:

EmmaAgain22 · 13/12/2022 20:41

I'm feeling really weird today because of this
My mum is 84, recently had a stroke, but recovering well and "officially" no medical reason to think she will go soon

But I do think it and I don't waste time dreading it, but that cold hand of fear keeps creeping round out of the blue.

I can only say, as your mum is in a different situation, try not to think about it.

I don't have anyone else really, I have a sister, but certainly I'm not anyone else's priority. So I'm nervous about being alone in the world too.

I'm glad you posted as I don't feel able to tell anyone that I think she'll be gone soon (except my sister, who doesn't want to talk about it, understandably).

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/12/2022 20:44

Be brave. Talk to her about it - maybe start with how she felt when her own mother died. It's a difficult conversation but far better to have to now than to regret it when it's too late.

Original poster

Amiterrible · 13/12/2022 20:45

EmmaAgain22 I think for me it’s that unconditional love

are you close to your sister ?

OP posts:

Gawdknows · 13/12/2022 20:45

Slightly different but death terrifies me. Me dying, my children/OH/family.. if I think about it too much it sends me in to a panic. So silly as I know we can't control it. But I think that's the bit that bothers me, not knowing when, how etc. I do envy people who accept it & live their best lives anyway.

Original poster

Amiterrible · 13/12/2022 20:46

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/12/2022 20:44

Be brave. Talk to her about it - maybe start with how she felt when her own mother died. It's a difficult conversation but far better to have to now than to regret it when it's too late.

I did think of talking to her about it
and saying something like I’m totally dreading the day you might not be here anymore

but i thought Is that awful of me to put that onto her
?

OP posts:

Goawayangryman · 13/12/2022 20:55

I've thought about this increasingly, lately. It's so hard, especially if you haven't got siblings, a large extended family, or a life partner who loves you for you.

I sort of know what you mean about not wanting to burden her..what can she do about it? Not much. And as a parent, the thought of leaving your children is horrible even when they are grown, so I wouldn't want to press that home.

On the other hand it's good to be honest about feelings. When they're gone you can't tell them how much you loved them.

No answers but you're really not alone.

Eyesopenwideawake · 13/12/2022 21:00

Your mum has experienced death in her life. She also knows she'll most likely predecease you. You could start by asking her about the 'best' funeral she attended and what she'd like for herself.

That opens up the conversation about how she dealt with her mum's death and also a practical conversation about wills, power of attorney, resuscitation orders and all the stuff you need to discuss.

You won't be putting anything on her - it's all part of being an adult and she may well welcome you broaching the subject.

Swannning · 13/12/2022 21:27

God I totally feel you. My lovely Dad died two months ago and it has just utterly broken me and my Mum and sis

EmmaAgain22 · 13/12/2022 21:28

Amiterrible · 13/12/2022 20:45

EmmaAgain22 I think for me it’s that unconditional love

are you close to your sister ?

Yes, that's a big part of it.

I am sort of close to my sister but geographically, I think we may end up living in different places. I don't know.

I never worried about it that much before because I thought had good friends. Then they vanished in lockdown and suddenly I had no one except mum.

I guess I'll just get used to whatever happens.

Flip