Partner Messaging Other Women… Again

[Lils5]

Just for some background: my partner and I have been together for 9 years and had a baby over a year ago now, we have also been living together for the past 3 years. He is 30 and I am 27.

A year into our relationship I found out I was pregnant but unfortunately suffered a miscarriage early on. Just after this happened I found out that he had been talking to another woman online, it was quite explicit but he never sent pictures or anything like that. I forgave him because it was a very emotional time for me and I really didn’t feel like being alone whilst dealing with the loss of our baby.

Then a few years ago, he started playing online games with a woman, I didn’t have a problem with this as he’s always been a gamer and plays with random people all the time. This was before we lived together and one night when he had stayed over mine, I woke up in the night to him on his phone which he immediately hid, which then led on to him eventually admitting that he was talking to this woman. He would stay up most nights endlessly messaging her and whilst the messages weren’t as bad as the first time around, there were a lot of sexual jokes and he also told this woman he was single. It took a while but we decided to move on from it and move in together.

Since then I felt like things were going really well. I trusted him more because we are living together and so I felt like he wouldn’t message anyone right under my nose. We also had a baby who we both absolutely love. I had noticed the past couple of weeks that he is staying up later and later playing games and I often end up going to bed on my own. In the past I’ve never looked at his phone, he’s always admitted to me that he’s spoken to these other women, but this time he’d left his phone in the lounge and a message flashed up from a woman whose name I didn’t recognise so I opened it and found a whole thread of messages to this woman that he’s been speaking to for the past couple of weeks. They make sexual jokes and send very explicit memes to each other. I can’t believe that he is doing it for a third time. He doesn’t know that I know yet as I’m not sure what to do or if I’m overreacting to what could just be innocent messages?

All you can do is Ltb so he doesn't make it a fourth time.
He won't change.
Unless it's for the worse..

He won’t change, they don’t change, that’s just who they are.

Can you accept this behaviour? Can you accept there is every possibility it could become physical in the future too, as it very likely will, can you accept he lies to you?? If so then you decide, if not then leave otherwise your doing yourself no favours

He's not gonna change. You either leave him or put up with the fact he's going to keep doing this. I'd suggest making plans to leave him, but the fact this is the 4th time you've caught him ( and let's be fair you won't have caught him every time he had done this) and you haven't binned him off yet indicates you're probably willing to keep over looking it.

You know you need to leave him. I would actually be open to forgiving in some circumstances but he's repeatedly breached your trust. Don't waste more time on him.

I can’t believe that he is doing it for a third time
“Zookeeper, I got into the lion enclosure. I cant believe I’ve being eaten alive”
That’s how stupid that sounds to an outsider. Of course he is doing it again. He likely never stopped sweetheart. He’s feeding lines to keep his mrs sweet while having his cake elsewhere. He won’t change. Hopefully you will and realise you’re worth better.

My friend's husband keeps doing this to her and the fact she keeps minimising and forgiving it makes me want to tear my hair out in clumps. He actually did it while she was in critical condition after a botched surgery - apparently he was lonely. Forgive me if I don't shed a tear for him, the absolute waste of organs that he is.

OP, he won't change. If you keep forgiving this, he will keep pushing the boundaries of what else he can get away with. He's a selfish shithead and you've already basically told him that this is fine.

This! If you forgive him 9 times he'll just do it a 10th.

And unfortunately for men like this it matters jack shit whether you've birthed their kid or not. If anything they're more likely to look elsewhere for someone less knackered from raising a baby.

YABU to expect anything else. This is a man who messaged other women whilst you recovered from a miscarriage.

And now you’re tied to him with a baby.

Omg. Get some self respect fast. He's treating you like an absolute mug! I'm angry on your behalf!

When people show you who you are, believe them.

LTB: don't waste any more of your life on him.

Can't believe you had a baby with a lowlife loser. He won't change.

you rewarded his two time cheating by moving in with him, doubtless doing pretty much everything for him and having his child, what the hell do you expect?

You know what to do

Stop being treated like shit

You will never be enough for him.
Your child will never be enough for him.
It's his problem - his low self esteem.

Choose your happiness and leave

fool me once, shame on you;
fool me twice, shame on me.
...fool me three times... by your track record, you will procreate yet another life with this loser and shrug it off.

Honestly, OP. What do you want us to say?

I think you're being incredibly naiive if you think he's only done it for the third time, you've only caught him that amount.. Why would he stop? He has no incentive to. He did it, you let him move in, he did it, you had a baby with him, he's basically getting the message he can say or do anything with anyone and you'll stay..

You knew who he was almost from the beginning. You ignored it to your own peril. He will never stop chasing other women.

Well 3 times you have made it clear that you see this as crossing a line, and he has done it again. So he is clearly not going to stop.

Up to you whether that's something you can live with or not. For me it would be a not.