Am I crazy for not wanting to talk about my pregnancy problems?

tallgirl232 · 2022-12-13T12:19:43+00:00

I found out I was pregnant about 2 weeks ago, I'm 6 weeks tomorrow. Unfortunately in the short 2 weeks that I've known I'm pregnant, I've been quite depressed and feeling down. Just have this overwhelming feeling of anxiety. On top of that, have been experiencing sharp abdominal pain and bleeding. Today the bleeding was the worst. Yesterday I went to the EPU for a scan and while they saw no fetus (which is expected at 5w + 5 days), the pregnancy was confirmed to be in the right area, but the pain likely caused by a large 7cm fibroid I have. After my bleeding, DH got into an argument because he suggested I speak to my mum about it for advise and I said no I don't want to talk to anyone about it but the midwife/ doctors. He said I wasn't being helpful and we should do everything we can to get advice which could help. I don't see how talking about it will help or what advice anyone could give (except doctor or midwife) would be helpful? I'm afraid I am experiencing/ will experience a miscarriage. I've been bleeding for almost 5 days now (though it's been brown/ pink and havent needed to wear a pad, just a wipe every time I go toilet) I hate that we had to tell everyone so early in the first place, but my hand was forced because didnt want to lie anymore. He just wants to tell his family and me tell my family about everything bad that's going on in our pregnancy, when I don't want to. This is difficult, as now it's making me not want to share things with him. Am I crazy for not wanting to talk about this? I can't explain why, I just don't want to discuss this or speak with anyone about it, as I'm finding it overwhelming.

Nosleepforthismum · 13/12/2022 12:55

You poor thing. I hope it doesn’t end up in a miscarriage and you go on to have a healthy pregnancy. Am I right in thinking the families already know about the pregnancy? It sounds to me as though your DH wants to discuss the issues with his family and is encouraging you to do the same so he feels he can do so. With my first pregnancy I felt very much as though it had nothing to do with my DH as it was my body, my medical issues in effect that he wanted to discuss with everyone so I understand how you feel but it is his child as well and I empathise with him wanting to speak to family about it.

Can you compromise and say you don’t feel as though you want to discuss with your family just yet but if he needs to speak to someone he can choose one trustworthy and discrete family member or friend to chat it through with?

Herejustforthisone · 13/12/2022 13:34

I don’t care that he’s the father, this is currently your body, your health, your ‘news’ to tell. He can put a sock in it, listen to you and support his wife through a difficult time.

Yousee · 13/12/2022 13:44

I agree with PP - at this stage of the game it is literally all about you, your body, your uterus, your baby. He is the support act for now and pressuring you into sharing more than you are comfortable with is not supportive at all.
My mum and I have had 3 pregnancies between us and no two the same so not sure why he thinks your mum's thoughts would be of more value than a medical professional.

Original poster

tallgirl232 · 13/12/2022 14:16

Nosleepforthismum · 13/12/2022 12:55

You poor thing. I hope it doesn’t end up in a miscarriage and you go on to have a healthy pregnancy. Am I right in thinking the families already know about the pregnancy? It sounds to me as though your DH wants to discuss the issues with his family and is encouraging you to do the same so he feels he can do so. With my first pregnancy I felt very much as though it had nothing to do with my DH as it was my body, my medical issues in effect that he wanted to discuss with everyone so I understand how you feel but it is his child as well and I empathise with him wanting to speak to family about it.

Can you compromise and say you don’t feel as though you want to discuss with your family just yet but if he needs to speak to someone he can choose one trustworthy and discrete family member or friend to chat it through with?

Yes they all know. I went A&E on Saturday due to pains and he told them, so when everyone was asking what's wrong, at that point it's not really withholding the truth anymore, its lying.

I understand that hes the father, which is why I said he can discuss it if he wants, i just dont want to discuss it or be a part of those discussions. Even though its not my preference to discuss intimate details like the extent of my vaginal bleeding .
I just feel like he works by sharing things and talking things through, and I don't.
I already bet he's shared in his family group chat how I've been bleeding today.
I just dont like that I'm being made to feel crazy for not wanting to share things with my mum or like I don't care enough to seek advice. I know the only thing my mum would say is to call the doctors/ midwife. When I told her I was pregnant she said if there's any issues, the first thing I should do is seek medical help.

OP posts:

SuburbanMummy123 · 13/12/2022 14:19

That must be so tough for you. Your body, your choice. Do try to think about it from his point of view, maybe he wants support from his family, but you are definitely the most important one here. I hope you’re getting lots of hugs

Original poster

tallgirl232 · 13/12/2022 14:21

Yousee · 13/12/2022 13:44

I agree with PP - at this stage of the game it is literally all about you, your body, your uterus, your baby. He is the support act for now and pressuring you into sharing more than you are comfortable with is not supportive at all.
My mum and I have had 3 pregnancies between us and no two the same so not sure why he thinks your mum's thoughts would be of more value than a medical professional.

Exactly what I told him that no pregnancy is the same , and honestly whether it's a misscarriage or not there's absolutely nothing that telling anyone can do to stop it or prevent it,or know for sure whether it's a miscarriage unless they do tests medically. His response is "you never know, they could give advise that could help stop the bleeding" /:

I just feel like since he works by sharing everything with his family, he wants me to do the same - share everything. When I don't. I just feel like there are some intimate things in pregnancy that I don't want to talk about. If anything now I regret mentioning the bleeding today and feeling like next time I'm pregnant I won't be telling him right away.

OP posts:

GerbilsForever24 · 13/12/2022 14:21

Usually, I am the lone voice in real life or on MN saying that the crazy secrecy around pregnancy and childbirth is weird and people should stop.

But.... in this case, I am 100% on your side. Unless your mum is actually a gynaecologist, it's not clear to me how talking to her is going to give you any good advice. If you were the kind of person who would find having her sympathy helpful, then sure, go ahead and talk. But your DH is being weird if he thinks your mum is going to come up with some miraculous cure (drink a special tea? Walk 10 miles a day? WTAF?) I guess you should be grateful he wants you to talk to your mum and not his mum!

Also, again, while I'm comfortable with more details than most people, why on earth is he sharing that you have vaginal bleeding on his family WhatsApp group? That feels a ridiculous step too far. If he has to talk about it, surely less detail is okay? "We are worried and there might be a cyst and we're going to have t o keep a close eye on things" feels more than enough info.

Lilgamesh2 · 13/12/2022 14:35

He thinks he has more say over your privacy and dignity than you do. That's so utterly selfish. His job right now is to look after you, nothing else.

Later in the pregnancy he might start controlling what you eat. When the baby is born he'll probably want the final say on whether it is breast or formula fed.

Nip it in the bud now.

Lilgamesh2 · 13/12/2022 14:38

Also if you are indeed miscarrying please do not tolerate any suggestion that it's within your control. It's not!

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 13/12/2022 14:39

YANBU. There's nothing anyone can do for an early pregnancy even if they have medical expertise. Your mum can't offer practical advice, and you know best what will help with your anxiety. I wouldn't want to talk to my mum either it would make me more anxious (and my mum's a doctor!).

I hope it all works out for the pregnancy OP and that your anxiety calms down a bit. Waiting is so damn difficult. Good luck!

Sparklesocks · 13/12/2022 14:44

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. You’re absolutely right that this is your decision. It might be that your DH is worried and wants to ensure you have plenty of support around you, but he should be following your lead in terms of how you want to deal with it all.

and you’re right, you can’t control if this is a miscarriage or not - please don’t allow him to convince you that there is anything you could potentially do to change that, especially not by sharing it.

Jusmakingit · 13/12/2022 15:10

YANBU

it’s so early still and it’s a really stressful time. I had a miscarriage and regretted everyone knowing cause then all the miscarriage conversations and talk about it all for ages after and it just drained me. I didn’t want to have everyone’s opinion and advice. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and feelings. Not everyone else’s.

i bled early on with my current pregnancy (I’m 32 weeks at the moment) and I had two pools of blood in my uterus from implantation so had small little bleeds when I wiped and it stopped after a couple of weeks. There’s lots of reasons to bleed during pregnancy.

he needs to respect your privacy

sending you a big hug ! x

Original poster

tallgirl232 · 13/12/2022 20:15

GerbilsForever24 · 13/12/2022 14:21

Usually, I am the lone voice in real life or on MN saying that the crazy secrecy around pregnancy and childbirth is weird and people should stop.

But.... in this case, I am 100% on your side. Unless your mum is actually a gynaecologist, it's not clear to me how talking to her is going to give you any good advice. If you were the kind of person who would find having her sympathy helpful, then sure, go ahead and talk. But your DH is being weird if he thinks your mum is going to come up with some miraculous cure (drink a special tea? Walk 10 miles a day? WTAF?) I guess you should be grateful he wants you to talk to your mum and not his mum!

Also, again, while I'm comfortable with more details than most people, why on earth is he sharing that you have vaginal bleeding on his family WhatsApp group? That feels a ridiculous step too far. If he has to talk about it, surely less detail is okay? "We are worried and there might be a cyst and we're going to have t o keep a close eye on things" feels more than enough info.

Exactly. Thank you for the post and for all the others, as my feelings feel validated, as I wasn't sure if i was the one being crazy / unreasonable ?

Out of peace I agreed to speak to my mum about it and I did. And it made nothing better, because as expected there's nothing that can be done. If anything, I feel so much worse and even more anxious

I think one of the comments above was true, he wants me to tell my mum so he can get the right to share my bleeding with his family and not feel like he's doing something wrong

I think I've decided that I'm just not going to share my day to day updates/ changes with him anymore that i wouldnt want shared with anyone . If he asks how im doing moving forward I'm just going to say 'fine' 'okay' unless it's something very serious and I need to go hospital

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 13/12/2022 20:20

Of course you are not crazy for not wanting to share your private and very personal medical details. He needs to have a word with himself and support you.

MatildaTheCat · 13/12/2022 20:25

I will preface this by saying I’m generalising.

Many men are fixers. They want solutions to problems. He has realised he cannot fix this one so he’s trying to outsource the problem. Not necessarily in medical terms but in terms of, ‘ shit, my wife is suffering and telling me this stuff, the hospital can’t reassure us so what next? I know! Her DM, she’s a woman.’

Just explain you feel private about this. Would he start a family WhatsApp about you having other gynae issues? His sexual health? Probably not. Tell him you know he/ the hospital can’t tell you any more and it’s just a waiting and hoping game but one you want to share with him and the medical staff.

I wish you well and hope he can se your point of view.