Background - together for 9 years. I have DS12 whose father is my exh. DH has DSD14, DSS13 and DSS10.
We have had no relationship at all with DSD14 for 3 years. We are still not entirely sure why. She made some allegations about DH being physically abusive to her, which she has since confessed to SS (social services) were lies but she cannot explain why she told them. She also randomly took against me after 6 years of us being very close. I think its to do with her mother's jealousy of me, for example I can french braid hair and DSD's mum cannot. When DSD came home once with braids, her mother took her to the hairdresser and had her hair cut to chin length so that I couldn't braid it anymore. She also refused to let DSD have my phone number, thought she was fine with DSS13 having it. Reason, its HER daughter. She has always been incredibly territorial over DSD, where she is not with the boys. So, I think its many things but DSD is also ND so possibly unable to articulate the true reason for her estrangement to anyone. We have gone through the courts once, however all DSD said is that she has no interest in knowing her dad anymore (despite previously being very close to him) and refused to articulate.
Obviously DH has been devastated over this, and now we are having issues with the boys behaviour, and DH refusing to correct them as he is scared that they will just stop seeing him too. For example, we have just moved house. I was putting the bins out when I heard something hitting the floor. Looked up and DSS13 was spitting out of his bedroom window onto the floor. I said to him don't be so disgusting, he went back in, and I asked DH to have a word and let him know that his behaviour is disgusting, but DH wouldn't as he was worried he would just leave and go to his mums. So nothing was said.
Then DSS10 was holding a scarf around our dogs face. You could see she wasn't happy and was struggling to get free. I had a go at DSS10 said don't be so cruel, poor ddog was scared etc. Once again, DH refused to do or say anything.
All my SS's do is play screens, mainly Roblox. DH will not put screentime limits on as "if I take them off it, they'll just catch the bus back to their mums"
I am at the end of my tether. I know it is a DH problem and not a DSS problem, but what do I do? The issue is he might very well be right, they might just go back to their mums, and then it'll be my fault for telling DH to tell them off.
I am just worried that in a few years, they will be young men who basically control my home.
I do actually have a good relationship with my stepsons before anyone accuses me of being a wicked sm. I am just at a loss to install some common decency into them as we hit the teen years, without DH help.
They are here EOW and 1 night in the week.