For asking him to try to settle daughter at night?

[Another3am]

I'll set the scene ...

Nearly an 11 month old daughter. Exclusively breastfed from day 1. Therefore he's never done any night feeds etc. He's had it bloody easy at night in my opinion.

He gets up at 5am for work as a class 2 driver. He goes to bed at about half 8 to 9pm most nights

Baby used to sleep all night. Recently shes got in the habit of waking up at 3am and having a feed, but from research she doesn't 'need' a feed during the night. I'm wanting to try and break this habit as I'm going back to work next month and it's exhausting.

Various websites recommend going in and giving her a cuddle, laying her back down and going in again 5 minutes later to resettle them etc. Lots recommend Dad to go in and cuddle baby since he's not associated with milk.

He woke up from her crying this morning after I'd already been in to settle her once and he was bitching about it. I suggested he try next because of what I said above, research of which he's aware of

Quote from him:

"Why should I have to do everything? You get to lay in bed until bloody 9am. You just need to feed her"

Laughable. Do everything??? Are you serious. 😂😂😂 I do 90% of the work at least. 9am??? She does not sleep until 9am.

AIBU for asking him to go and try to settle her for a minute when he's awake anyway, and for trying to break this habit and therefore not feeding her instantly as soon as she cries?

Yes I get that he doesnt want his sleep disturbing and he generally hasn't for the past 11 months. I completely get that. But its fine for me to have to just continue this when I'm at work?

Fuming

Hmmm it's tricky. Personally, if it were a regular thing, I'm not sure how happy I'd be if there was someone who drives for a living, driving completely knackered (we all need varying hours of sleep!) However, yes, if he's already awake and you've asked him to help then he should've just got on with it.

Our 3.5 month old currently wakes about 3am (hence why I'm up 😂) and 6ish for BF. At 3am I don't generally wake my husband to settle him but he was up on a work phone all a few days ago so stayed up about a half hour extra to give me a hand.

You won't get anywhere discussing this in the middle of the night when you are both tired. It would be better to talk tomorrow evening and agree on a plan.

I hope you get some more sleep tonight. It's utterly exhausting. It can be hard to understand how both partners are impacted and there is a danger that you both end up playing competitive tiredness bingo. The truth is that both your roles are tiring and you both need to acknowledge and appreciate that before you move on.

Maybe he can do the first wake up so he can get another stretch of sleep before he gets up for work. You do the next. You are right that it is time now for him to help break the comfort milk cycle but driving on little sleep is dangerous so there is a limit to what he can safely do.

Before you go back to work, you should both sit down and discuss the impact and how you can share the workload at home to support each other.

Morning! 👋

I know driving is tiring and I do feel bad for him regarding that, which is why I've always gone in to settle her.

But I'll also be exhausted next month when I go back to work and want to try and break that habit now. It seems acceptable for the women to be knackered but the men to not be. I'll be going back to a demanding role too

We do have a spare bedroom he can go into as well which is at the front of the house rather than next to her nursery that he could go into, but he chooses not to.

It’s tricky as driving for a living is one of those jobs where you do have to prioritise sleep. I struggle with long distance driving now and I often feel for hard it must be for lorry drivers having to ensure they’ve had a good nights sleep. It’s not just his own safety at risk if not.

That said he’s not working 7 days a week I assume. He can do the setting when he’s still up / if she wake when he’s got up on work days and then do some of his days off. He’s completely in the wrong saying he does everything, I’d have laughed out loud. He obviously thinks Mat leave is easy. When I went back with DS2 he was still waking twice a night too and it was tough. My ex barely did any of the night feeds, he would go and warm milk up sometimes after I stopped BF and bring it up, then go back to sleep!

agree in discussing this during the day when not tired and grouchy

I think you need to wait until he has time off to break this and pre arrange that during those few days he’s on call. But I’d hate for a sleep deprived driver to be out on the roads.

Thank you. I eventually went in to feed her, she's asleep now.

This all makes complete sense, however unfortunately we have already spoken about this a few weeks ago and had this plan, but after being woken up once he kicked off so the plan got abandoned. Now it's getting closer to my return to work date so I want and need to break that cycle and actually try to give the plan a go. Here we go again, him kicking off again on night one

He manages to get plenty of sleep generally since he goes to bed early, but I do obviously worry about the impact on him having disturbed sleep which is why until now I've always made sure he's not disturbed

I think what frustrates me the most is he's no idea how many hundreds of times I've been up in the night this past year feeding her etc
Hes no idea how tiring it is to be a mum and to breastfeed (yes I also don't know how tiring it is to drive for a living)

But he chose to be a parent. He knew babies cry at night. Hes only just actually experiencing hearing her cry at night though and it's like he's in shock about it

Edit: He works Mon - Friday
6am to around 3pm, doing multi drop deliveries around a 1.5hour radius away from his office location

He works Mon - Friday, 6am to around 3pm, doing multi drop deliveries around a 1.5hour radius away from his office location.

Is waking up once for a few days sleep deprivation whilst I try and break this cycle? I'm not sure. I'd call sleep deprivation what I've been doing for 11 months whilst he got a full night's sleep

He can happily stay up late when football is on etc and willingly deprive himself of sleep and he's okay with that, but when he goes to bed early and his daughter wakes him up (he goes back to sleep after), its the end of the world

I completely get that, I never want him to be tired but I also don't want to be knackered if I can help it when I go back to work. I feel like that deems me as selfish though. Like women should just be tired.

We have a spare room he could sleep in whilst I try to break this cycle of the 3am feeds but he chooses to not sleep there. Thats the easy solution to me. I'm not asking him to settle her every night, just tonight since he was awake anyway

He works Mon - Friday, 6am to around 3pm, doing multi drop deliveries around a 1.5hour radius away from his office location

I did laugh out loud when he said he does everything. Also told him to f off.

Why do they think mat leave is a walk in the park?! Then they get woken up once and give one cuddle and suddenly they 'do everything '

Sorry but him waking up 2 hours earlier than normal won't affect his driving! If it works, it could be resolved in a couple of days
I felt the same way, partners a tradesman so power tools and ladders don't go great with lack of sleep but he still contributes if needed.
Does he have any time off over Christmas that being woken up wouldn't affect his job? (He will complain that it will ruin his holiday but tough!)

I'm confused you said he gets up at 5 but then said he could settle her as he is up anyway at 3am?

Have I read that right?

They have no idea do they? My kids are 14 & 18 now and I haven’t forgotten just how tough mat leave was. Plus those first months returning to work, doing everything at home still and waking up twice a night at least. I remember talking to my boss at the time who had teenagers and he was saying it would get better and it did. DS (now 18) was a terrible terrible sleeper, I was absolutely shattered all the time. He’s such a good kid though, he’s not caused me a day’s trouble since. Now they are teens and I could sleep in at weekends I’m up at the crack of dawn! Like now, been up since 3.30 for no reason, what’s that all about?!!

it is deemed ok for women to be tired isn’t it? Very unfair. My ex has spent 7yrs working overseas, thinks it’s acceptable I do everything whilst he works hard being wined and dined every night (with a bit of work inbetween). I mean when I had kids I assumed that’s me for the next 18yrs, my needs, career aspirations take second place. But for him? Seems not. But don’t get me started on the equalities of it all as I’ll be here all day!

Sorry, I meant she was crying at 3am which woke him. I had been in to settle her and as he was awake from her crying I suggested he tried

Thank you for this! I was starting to feel that anyone who drives and has kids must never be woken up ever.

He happily deprives himself of sleep if he wants to watch football, netflix etc, but his daughter waking him up is apparently unacceptable to him since he drives.

Christmas is a good shout! I may wait and tackle this again over Christmas whilst he's off and if he kicks off then, he can go live at his mums 😂

He has no idea how lucky he is getting this far without doing anything overnight compared to all the formula feeding dads you hear about.
Constantly sleep deprived would be worrying with his job but a few days for the greater good should be bare minimum.

I do agree he could help, but I also see his perspective of driving whilst tired. I would suggest you start at the weekend and hand the night wakes over to him completely for those two days. Will she take a bottle at all? With my children, I offered a bottle of water instead of milk once they were old enough to skip night feeds. My first took two days of this then stopped waking entirely!

Instead of bf milk I meant to say, not a bottle of milk *