To feel pangs of anger and resentment towards step parent?

[Lotzana]

Step parent has been in my life for over 20 years since I was a teen. We clashed a bit back then but then got on alright for a number of years.

Since an emotionally abusive relationship break up I had over 7 years ago, I've done a lot of work (therapy, reading, confidence building) to try and understand healthy relationships and worked hard to get my life to a better place.

It's become apparent to me through this work and general observations over past few years that many of the relationship dynamics in my family aren't that healthy, particularly step parent and my parent.

Step parent is controlling, insecure, selfish, makes derogatory comments about others, has put my parent down and my parent seems less confident and someone who treads on egg shells a lot - it reminds me of myself 7 or 8 years ago. Maybe I'm projecting my own stuff too much here?

My parent has expressed unhappiness to me a number of times over the years with the relationship but never leaves. When I had my own big break up 7 years ago, parent was spurred on to reevaluate their own situation as there were parallels of abusive/ controlling behaviour. Nothing changed however and parent stays put - I don't think they want to sell the marital home and downsize/ lose the nice house. I often wonder if they stay mainly for financial reasons.

Long and the short of it is the more I think about Step parent and things they have said or done over the years, the more anger I'm feeling and the more I'm beginning to really dislike them. I keep imagining opportunities to confront them or put them firmly in their place when they put my parent down or act selfishly. I feel increasingly resentful when I think how they are sucking the confidence out of my parent and generally being a selfish controlling b*stard.

We don't live close by so don't see them regularly but for example I would love to invite my parent for Xmas at my new house a few hours away but they would never say yes as Step parent likes Xmas in own home and parent has to accommodate and wouldn't rock the boat.

So it's dawning on me as Xmas approaches that I won't ever get to host parent and make them Xmas Dinner as Step parent dictates How holiday season is spent and parent won't challenge it. A small thing maybe but there are many other similar examples like this and they all add up and its quite upsetting to think of overall effect.

My parent is an adult and I should probably just stay out of it. I've made my opinion clear when they have complained about Step parent and asked for advice. I've recommended doing some of the work I did 7 years ago to gain confidence and self esteem so that going it alone seems better than a crap relationship. But it falls on deaf ears and nothing changes.

AIBU to be feeling like this? I think the can't host Christmas thing has been a horrid realisation that it's Step parents way and my parent will always comply.

Or should I just let this go and focus on my own life. See parent when I can and make best of it?

YABU - let it go. Nothing you can do.

YANBU - Step parent sounds awful. I'd be angry too.

For your own sake let it go.
You can’t change the other people’s behaviour,you can only change the way you react to it.
Have been where you are,didn’t get me anywhere as my father chose his partner. Same dynamic on DH’s side.
Drop it.
Invite your parent for Christmas if you wish. Invite them anytime you wish. You can’t make them come to you though.
As for derogatory comments- I would tackle that straight away when it happens.

@FrenchBoule step parent made a derogatory comment about my looks once and I gave as good as I got.

They the flounced off like a toddler as not used to getting comments back and said 'if you want to get personal, I'll get personal ' and implied they'd start digging up my relationship history (I bought 3 boyfriends home over a 17 year period which is loads in their eyes.) It's this sort of nastiness which makes me despise them. But I don't gain anything from holding onto this anger, I wish I could make it vanish

Bump

I think your Step mum isn't going to change so you need to let it go. If you dad hasn't had the bottle to stand up to her so far then that too isnt likely to change.

Focus on you.

Probably not a helpful answer but i'd cut them both out of my life. Your parent has badly let you down by bringing and keeping this malignant step parent into your life and they're too weak to separate.

You’ve tried, they won’t listen. You’ve done a lot of work on yourself and seem happier so don’t invite negativity in when you know you won’t win. People have to save themselves, tragic but true.

Basically your parent is choosing to allow the other person to dominate, for whatever reason. All you can do is give them options.

You can't be too obvious about it. 'You can always live with me mum, if you need to leave him' will just be brought up in arguments and end badly.

'You know I'm here if you need me, Dad' is less likely to cause problems.

They are an adult. They have made choices. There's nothing you can do.

Thanks for your comments. You all make good points.

I think deep down I'm disappointed in parent. Leaving my bad relationship was so empowering for me and a real turning point in my life. My parent thought it would destroy me as I 'didn't have a man anymore' and were probably more surprised than anyone when the opposite happened.

They've witnessed this process and I hoped it would help them see they dont have to accept a crap spouse and could make a break for it and it doesn't mean you'll then be lonely or unhappy.

But they are still there and I don't see it changing. Sad fact but I'm better off not dwelling on it too much

They need to justify not jumping ship themselves. Imagine realising you'd put up with it all these years for no reason. Hard to bear. Better to pretend otherwise.

Yes parent often mentions the number of years they've been married as if it's some sort of badge of achievement and says 'they can't throw away X years' as if all of those years have been blissfully happy

Sunk costs fallacy.

This reminds me a bit of Duncles second marriage.

There is no doubt that his DW was controlling and possibly narcissistic, but he himself was weak and not a good DF for allowing it to happen. But everyone was so focused on demonising Daunt that apparently Duncle was entirely blameless for everything .

He too when asked said it was his second marriage and he'd give everything not to have two failed marriages.

Before he passed he asked his eldest adult DD to look after the stepmother who had been less than supportive to her over the years in so many ways. Similar to the way you seem to be being asked to parent your DP,

So my advice is take a step away. Your DP chose this path, see them as much or as little as is comfortable to you. Don't expect much from them and reconcile yourself to the reality of the position.

@rookiemere yes it's easy to get angry and demonise step parent but my parent is fully aware of who they are and their faults and has allowed this behaviour to continue and worsen over the years without setting boundaries and doesn't really want things to change so in a way they are as much at fault for allowing and enabling it.

I really wish they wouldn't be so weak, I think part of me loses respect for them as I feel they let this happen

This is why im no contact with my mother.
it never gets better

@Travis1 sorry to hear that

I'd find it hard to go NC as when it's just me and parent we have a great time and get on. We'd probably be able to do it more though if it wasn't for step parent