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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I speak up about historical sexual abuse?

15 replies

Silverbook · 12/12/2022 19:10

I've name changed for obvious reasons.

Not even sure where to start.
I'm early 40s, married with a child. My DM is alive, living locally, my sibling also lives locally and I see them weekly. My dad died a few years ago. All grandparents are dead. The uncle and aunt relevant to the story are both alive, I don't know exactly where they live but they could probably be traced.

Growing up I spent most school holidays with my grandparents (DM side). My My aunt has learning disabilities and lived with the grandparents. Quite often my uncle, his wife and there children would be there too (it was a big farm house). HOlidays were generally fun and I've lots of good memories.

My aunt (DM sister) would frequently touch me inappropriately. I was around the ages of 5-8. I never, ever told anybody. I was always uncomfortable with it. I knew it was wrong but I also was aware that she had significant learning disabilities and I guess I just thought it was something she did and could be excused by her disabilities.

My grandparents died about 25 years ago and I can remember my mum trying very hard to get custody of my aunt. I didn't really pay much attention at the time largely because I was late teens, going out and living my own life. I did find it strange though that my mum and uncle eventually fell out over this to the extent that they haven't spoken since. He gained custody (or whatever the correct legal term is).

When my dad was dying a few years ago he made a passing comment (while on end of life care syringe driver) about my uncle- basically implying that he abused my mum (his sister!). I've recently been plagued with the thought that
A) he probably abused my aunt (his other sister) hence why she acted the way she did to me.
B) could actually still be doing this which would explain why he fought so hard for custody.

My mum and I don't really speak any more (not related to this, she has very complex mental health) so I can't bring this up wither her. My brother would literally find the uncle and kill him so I can't tell him.

I've process the abuse I experienced so don'y feel the need to approach anybody about that but I don't know if I should speak to authorities about what happened? I'm very aware that this would have implications for my mum though. It's all horribly complicated.

Well done if you've read this far!

OP posts:
Friday123 · 12/12/2022 19:52

Could you maybe call a helping to talk through your options?

Rape crisis: 0808 500 2222
rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

NAPAC: 0808 801 0331
napac.org.uk/

poefaced · 12/12/2022 20:12

I’m so sorry you were abused Flowers

Is your aunt still living with your uncle? He needs to be investigated and kept away from her as she is still vulnerable.

Craggytops · 12/12/2022 20:15

Crikey this is difficult for you OP. Definitely try to speak to a sexual abuse helpline or counsellor to help you work it all through. If your aunt is a vulnerable adult and potentially still at risk, I'd say there's a duty of care to report and protect.

So sorry you're gong through this Flowers

Silverbook · 12/12/2022 20:28

poefaced · 12/12/2022 20:12

I’m so sorry you were abused Flowers

Is your aunt still living with your uncle? He needs to be investigated and kept away from her as she is still vulnerable.

I don't know but I'd assume so. If not, he'll still have regular contact.

OP posts:
Craggytops · 12/12/2022 21:56

Is there any way you can find out?

underneaththeash · 12/12/2022 22:10

what Would be achieved by saying something?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/12/2022 22:16

underneaththeash · 12/12/2022 22:10

what Would be achieved by saying something?

Maybe a vulnerable adult would be protected from her abuser?

OP, it's up to you. If you report it, it can be investigated and perhaps she will end up being protected from him. If you don't, it can't, though - which might end up nagging away at you forever.

I know what I think is the right course of action, but only you can make that decision.

Windtunnel · 12/12/2022 22:41

Up to you op, sorry to hear about your experience
You are concerned the abuse is still happening I guess? It would be a massive step to re contact, go fishing around and possibly attempt a rescue.
otoh, do you feel you "have" to do it now you know?

Abitofalark · 12/12/2022 22:59

You need to talk it over with someone but as you cannot speak to your mother about it to verify or not whatever may have happened to her or whatever your father's comment was based upon and you cannot speak to your brother because you need that someone to be rational and not rash, it is difficult to see how you could go forward with this within the family. For outside advice or just to talk it over, as others have suggested, speak to the rape crisis people, which may help to clarify your thoughts and feelings and point you towards a way forward.

One thing I wondered: Is your uncle's wife still in the picture and is your vulnerable aunt still within the uncle and wife's family home or within their orbit?

YNK · 12/12/2022 23:04

Why not talk to the duty worker at adult Social Care dept if you know where they live, or the local one if you don't.

Craggytops · 12/12/2022 23:23

Just a thought, can you use Christmas as an excuse to find out where the aunt is living, maybe from your mum or brother? Just a simple text to ask for a current address as you'd like to send a card? I'm wondering if knowing that would help your decision around what to do?

camdenn · 12/12/2022 23:31

Sorry about what you’ve gone through. You can definitely report your concerns or call a charity and talk through how you’re feeling with someone first. Women’s aid or MIND would be a good start, they can signpost your onwards if they have a better organisation.

Your post is a tiny bit hard to follow - is the aunt in question the wife of the uncle in question? Or are they both, together with your mum, siblings? How old was your aunt at the time of the abuse and the custody battle?

I think it’s hard for the police to investigate the uncle as on surface, the aunt seems to be the predator. Though you’re right, it could be learned behaviour as she was vulnerable herself

Abitofalark · 12/12/2022 23:46

camdenn, If I may jump in, the aunt is the OP's mother's sister.

The uncle is the OP's mother's brother - so also the aunt's brother

The uncle had a wife and three children - the wife is not the aunt.

Craggytops · 14/12/2022 15:09

I hope you're okay @Silverbook. Must feel a real load on your mind. I hope you find peace with whatever decision you make x

Misslexi92 · 14/12/2022 22:34

I don't know where to start but I'm thirty years old and was abused all my life it started when I was young my mum abandoned me at three years old leaving me with my dad who sexually abused me attempted intercource breaking my hymen touching me inappropriately every day and at nine years old he raped me and continued on a daily basis getting me pregnant at eleven giving birth at twelve I was taken into care foster homes and children's homes I was groomed and forced on heroin and crack cocaine so they sold me to men against my will giving me no choice I was dependant on the drugs so they sold me in exchange for my fix so I wasn't poorly I'm thirty still working on the street to fund my addiction

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