To think I'm a shitty parent?

[aqi]

DS turned four in October.

I'm currently doing a demanding degree that requires me to work full time on placement for 50% of the year, usually in blocks of eight weeks. 12.5 day and night shifts.

I juggle childcare between me, my parents, ExDP and ExDP's parents. He goes to a childminder 8-5. So often he can be here there and everywhere.

He recently witnessed me have a seizure and was very upset. I have been unwell since so he's been with ExDP and my parents more than usual.

The childminder messaged me today and said he is worried about him. He's very emotional and frustrated, she had to leave the Christmas fair last week due to him having a meltdown. She has also said he has become really upset when getting picked up by ExDP's parents, kicking, screaming/crying and saying he hates them. He mentions wanting to be with me and wanting to look after me.

She has looked after him since he was 10 months old.

He's fine when he's with me apart from the usual four year old behaviour, never anything like that.

I have been unwell so he was with my parents last night and ExDP's parents picked him up from the childminder today.

I'm home from hospital now and uni is online tomorrow, so I could have him stay at home with me and spend the day with him. But he'd be back with the childminder the rest of the week so I don't want to disturb the routine even further?

My mum says I'm being ridiculous by feeling so guilty but I don't think I am.

I'm fucking him up aren't I? I don't know what to do.

I should also mention he spends Thursday and Friday night at ExDP's (he lives with his parents).

Aww. Sorry I don’t have any particular advice but that sounds tough. The only thing I can think of is spend lots of time talking about your seizure with him. Allow him to feel his feelings and acknowledge it must have been really scary. Use words that he can apply to his feelings and even act them out, draw them etc. I am sure his reaction is normal. Best wishes for a speedy recovery!

I would keep him at home with you tomorrow if possible just to try and give him some reassurance and extra attention. Know this might not be easy on top of uni work!

No you are not.
You are working to provide your dc with a secure future.
In your place,I would see him for the day and spend quality time with him,really concentrate on him all day,reassure him and explain as best you can to a four year old what you are working towards ,if possible give him a time frame and let him know when he will definitely see you next.
It's not easy but you will come through this and life will be more routine for him which children love.
Good luck 🌈💐

Definitely keep him at home tomorrow.
He needs some mummy love x

He is only very young. I would keep him at home and spend some time with him. I think it would be good for both of you.

If you have uni online tomorrow is your time with him going to be quality time? If not then I'd keep him in routine and maybe try and pick him up early and do a nice activity with him, go for dinner and then just focus on him.

You sound like a great parent whose trying to juggle lots. It's natural to feel guilty.

Honestly? It doesn't sound like a great situation for him. A fundamental need of small children is stability and it sounds like your son doesn't know if he is coming or going. He is also clearly confused and worried about what happened to you. I'm not saying that you are a shit parent, I am sure you are doing your best but I think it would be silly to pretend that this situation is ideal for him and that everything is fine when your son is clearly showing you that it isn't.

Not a shit parent but that’s a lot of different childcare providers, combined with the added situation of parents being split.
with your degree how long is the break between those 8 weeks and how much longer left?

Sounds really tough.

Are you able to put a calendar up for him to he can see each day what's happening, where he's going and with whom? And then spend time talking through it with him at the start of the week letting him decide what toy to bring with him, etc. Ideally there would be fixed days to create a routine too, but that's not always possible.

Also make sure you're getting the rest you need, your health is more important than anything.

You are absolutely not a terrible parent.

im in a similar position. 4.5 year old, full time degree with the same 50/50 split of 12.5 hour shifts and uni, single parent and child is passed around a lot between his dad, my parents and my sister.

I’ve been ill the last few weeks and I’m barely surviving and feel so guilty that I’m never around and when I am, I am worked into an ill and exhausted mess.

I know it is for the best and he is proud of me, but god it’s so hard!

Seeing you have a seizure must have been very difficult for him and it will take him time to process this. He needs lots of tlc and opportunities to play through his experiences, because this is how dc process.

Personally I'd be trying to give him as much extra time with you as he can, and a clear visual timetable of when he will be with who.

I'm going to guess you might be studying nursing - if so, then I know from experience how difficult this is with young dc. If this is right, I would speak to your tutor and placement team to negotiate a placement that has regular hours (and, if you have accrued enough hours to qualify, potentially a slightly reduced timetable).

I agree. Maybe put off the studying till he is older and you are in better health.

Your mum is right. You are doing brilliantly by studying and trying to make a better future for your child and yourself. He is acting up due to lack of routine but he will conform in time.
hope you feel better - how scary for you!

You sound so busy OP and juggling so much.
It does sound like he really needs to reconnect with you. These early years are vital for connection and stability with primary caregivers. Not saying you have messed up/trying to make you feel worse but in the gentlest way I do think you do need to reassess what his life is like and how things could improve. He is crying out for connection with you.
First start with some real decent 1:1 quality time together. Then think about long term. Good luck

I think he wants and needs more time with you. He's obviously really worried and doesn't feel safe or secure. Have you just started the degree or are you near the end? If you're just starting then I'd shelve it and wait until he's older. If you're near the end then I'd try to keep going for the last few months with lots of reassurance for him. Do you facetime him while he is staying in other places? Could you give him something of yours to look after for you? Could you get him a buildabear and record your voice in it so he can always hear your voice? I don't think there are any easy answers tbh.

He's being passed from pillar to post and, at 4, that's a lot for him to deal with.
I'm guessing the seizure must have been scary for him and he's desparately seeking reassurance.
It doesn't make you a shitty parent. It just means that you child is probably struggling because he's got so many different people looking after him.

I agree that the OP is doing great but he's not acting up, he's terrified she's going to die. And if he learns that all he can do is comply (what an awful word) then that is likely to all come out at some point in MH problems.

It does indeed sound like he's being passed from pillar to post here. 😟

It’s not about being a shit parent - you’re obviously not. But it’s not a great situation for a four year old to be in, there just isn’t enough stability. You need to think of this is workable for him in the long run.

My 3yo recently witnessed me have a period of ill health and became very clingy as she was worried about me. I’d keep him home. After I gave my LO extra attention and reassurance she soon went back to normal.

I am sorry to say I think that is far too much chopping and changing for a small boy, and his current behaviour is an indication that he is not coping. I fully appreciate you are working to provide you child with a stable future but at what cost?

In his short life, he been looked after by a very caring child minder from a baby, had mum and dad split up, had mum working on a very challenging career that means multiple people are involved in his care, seen mum be scarily unwell and now isn’t able to see you at all. Most of this is through no fault of yours, but that’s how it is. You are not a shitty parent, but you do need to recognise something needs to change. He must be your priority.

You and he are under enormous pressure at exactly the time of life he most needs you. I would get him back to you at the earliest possible moment and keep him there. I would also consider how much easier it would be to finish your training once he is at school all day. This may sound harsh, but you had a child and he needs you more than all the other things taking you away from him. He is obviously unhappy staying with dad at PIL, because he wants to be with you.

Is there anyway you can ask for a leave of absence or break from the course, given you have been unwell and in hospital? Or any way ex ( assuming he is not nasty) can move back in platonically, so the two of you share child care and provide him with the stability he needs?

I have enormous sympathy for your situation, but think your little boy needs more here.