Domestic abuse - report or not ?

[bagpuss90]

I attend a keep fit class -one of the women who attends comes with her friend . She’s mentioned her partner is very controlling -doesn’t know she comes to the class . She’s turned up with black eyes (thinly disguised with make up) she seems quite nervous and jumpy -hardly surprising. A couple of the women think we should report her partner. I don’t think we should - for one she’s an adult with full capacity and more importantly I worry it could make things worse . I think we can only be there to support her. Id welcome any advice . I’m worried about her and feel desperately sorry for her. There aren’t any kids involved as far as I’m aware .

I voted YABU but I’m really torn tbh.

someone needs to advocate for her. The fact she’s telling people he’s controlling is perhaps a cry for help?

Also without his name and an address any report would be quite vague

saturnisturning
Oh god it’s hard -you could well be right

It's upto the woman to report it not you.

If she didn’t pursue it with the police and he found out she was coming to class -I worry it could make a dreadful situation worse

I wouldn’t

I think that, given she attends the class with a friend, you should leave well alone.

The friend will know more about the situation and if she felt reporting the abuse would work, I'm sure she would have done it.

Minimalme
Her friend does seem lovely and supportive

No, absolutely not. Imagine if the police turned up, she was not ready to leave and he went ballistic at her and accused her of telling the police after they left? She will of course say she didnt and then he'll accuse her of lying and it could put her in immediate and significant danger. Its not fair to spring such a scenario on her without warning her as there could be a huge and very nasty fall out afterwards. If you want to do something to help her, leave her /give her some phone numbers to ring of groups who specifically work with women to aid them to leave safely. This usually involves a big element of preparation and making sure a safety net is in place before they do so. The worst that can happen by offering her help is that she may get angry at you but at least in this scenario noone will get seriously injured/hurt.

Why can’t you actually tell the police/social services/women’s aid what you know and say you don’t know what to do? Say you don’t know if reporting will help. They’re the experts and will tell you if it was a good idea or not. More importantly, they will take responsibility for what happens, if anything, next. Otherwise you are going to keep thinking about what if, especially if she shows up looking even worse. You cannot do nothing.

Horrible as the situation is, I don't think you can report anything. I called the police on my neighbour once (block of flats) because I woke up and heard him shouting along with banging and crashing, her screaming and crying and the kids also screaming "no dad, don't" or words to that effect. They turned up and noone answered the door but I felt I had to do something in the moment because there was clearly a violent incident going on and children involved.

If you feel you know her well enough you could talk to her about charities, like Women's Aid, that can help her if she wants to leave but, sadly, as with my old neighbour, if she doesn't want to do anything about it, she won't.

Absolutely not, you could put her in real dange and make her even more isolated. Let her keep her secret and slowly build trust and support her to leave on her terms, safely.