Page 2 | Would this irritate you?

HopingSomeoneIsAwake · 2022-12-12T17:41:57+00:00

If you messaged someone saying ‘I’m a bit busy today, I will message you later on when I’m finished’ and then the other person kept on messaging you even after you don’t reply (because you’re busy) would this irritate you? In my context it’s someone I’m casually getting to know/dating at the moment but every time they do it I just feel suffocated and it makes them come across as being very needy IMO. Is it normal to feel this way or am I just over-reacting?

maddy68 · 12/12/2022 21:55

Yes my friends does this drives me mental

GreenManalishi · 12/12/2022 23:13

@C1N1C your third option is much the same as the first, needy and controlling is just the more hinest version of lost puppy marking his territory. Women are not territory to mark, any man that is in fear of turning his back for five minutes lest another man come in and steal his possession is to be well avoided.

MimiArm · 12/12/2022 23:19

This reminds me of my MIL. She will ring me repeatedly if I don't answer. If I text to say I'm
busy and can't talk, she ignores what I've written and continues to ring over and over and over again. Drives me f'ing mad.

Run whilst you can.

C1N1C · 13/12/2022 07:06

GreenManalishi · 12/12/2022 23:13

@C1N1C your third option is much the same as the first, needy and controlling is just the more hinest version of lost puppy marking his territory. Women are not territory to mark, any man that is in fear of turning his back for five minutes lest another man come in and steal his possession is to be well avoided.

True, the way I worded that wasn't great. The distinction I was trying to make was more a controlling/dominating vs a helpless/in need of lots of attention thing.

Like I said though, based on OPs description, I think he's just trying to show his interest. There's just a fine line between grand gestures and impressively romantic... and what is always referred to on here as love-bombing. I actually don't think he's crossing that line, he just hasn't quite got the balance right. Some ladies I know would quite happily WhatsApp your fingers into oblivion because they can't get enough messages from someone they love... others are a "I'm working, message me outside of business hours" and it is a hard line. He's just trying to find it :)

GreenManalishi · 13/12/2022 07:19

I’m a bit busy today, I will message you later on when I’m finished’

he doesnt need to find the line. She has provided clearly. He either doesn't have the intelligence or social skills to respect it, or he is disregarding it for another reason .

Either way, no good. Unless he's an eleven year old boy who's just got his first phone.

GerbilsForever24 · 13/12/2022 14:04

@C1N1C well, personally, a man in needs of lots of attention is a big fat ICK for me so whether he's doing it because he's an insecure puppy or because he's a controlling fuck is irrelevant.

She's said she's busy, so random questions about her dinner etc isn't okay. A random chat that she can respond to at her leisure is totally different to specific questions where she can either not answer and appear rude or indifferent or respond to, even though she's specifically said she doesn't have time.

C1N1C · 13/12/2022 15:56

@GerGerbilsForever24

Well we had a lady in here not long ago that categorically said she wouldn't message a guy until he messaged first. If her message was the last one, she wouldn't follow up with a second message. Another lady in here not long ago also told her partner not to get anything for her birthday, following orders he dutifully didn't, and she was not a happy bunny. Both of the above prove that some like to be chased, and expect the other to instinctively know what to do.
Yes, the OP has stated her terms, which he should respect, but in this case I think he is erring on too much than too little to be safe. Had this been someone else, we could very well be seeing a "I said I was busy but he stopped messaging completely, is he not interested?!" post... minefield :)

FictionalCharacter · 13/12/2022 16:09

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 12/12/2022 17:49

They’re already practising being in control.

”She’s busy, but I want to speak to her and my say is final.”

Yep. And he needs to have priority over whatever she’s busy with.

GerbilsForever24 · 13/12/2022 16:15

C1N1C · 13/12/2022 15:56

@GerGerbilsForever24

Well we had a lady in here not long ago that categorically said she wouldn't message a guy until he messaged first. If her message was the last one, she wouldn't follow up with a second message. Another lady in here not long ago also told her partner not to get anything for her birthday, following orders he dutifully didn't, and she was not a happy bunny. Both of the above prove that some like to be chased, and expect the other to instinctively know what to do.
Yes, the OP has stated her terms, which he should respect, but in this case I think he is erring on too much than too little to be safe. Had this been someone else, we could very well be seeing a "I said I was busy but he stopped messaging completely, is he not interested?!" post... minefield :)

In your first example, a woman says she won't message unless he messaged first. That's her line. And she lives by it. In your second, the woman was bing a bit silly by the sounds of it.

But OP has told him she doesn't have time. She can't respond to random messages and she'll talk to him later. I mean, it's 100% clear. If it turns out that actually, OP would then be upset that he hasn't sent her 10 messages asking her about there lunch, then he would have the right to say, "you're a crazy woman who gives mixed messages and I'm outta here."

If his messages were generic and easily ypicke dup at a different time, that would be different and may fit with your theory that he has to try to read the room. But that's not the case here. The sorts of messages he is sending are the type that require a relatively immediate answer. To respond with what she had for lunch 2 days later would just be weird.

C1N1C · 13/12/2022 16:25

@GerbilsForever24

I think we're still reading into it to much. She had said she's busy, but it's not like he's calling her or showing up in her office with a barbershop quartet. All he's doing is messaging, essentially saying he's thinking about her. It's lunch time, he's thinking about her, he asks about lunch. He's in a meeting, he's curious about her, he asks what her meeting is about... etc

So she reads it sneakily in a meeting and can't reply, no harm done. She reads it as she's leaving the office and realise only half the messages now apply, no harm done. We have the equivalent of him buying too much food as he doesn't know what she wants and her eating a few bites. OK, she has said she's not hungry, but if it's free and unobtrusive, why get worked up? He'll learn in time that if he sends 10 and gets one back, to ease off.

GerbilsForever24 · 13/12/2022 16:28

But why aren't you listening? Are you this man? She has told him she does not want these sorts of messages. They are messages that seem to require a response and she is not in a position to answer. He is sending them repeatedly even though she's asked him not to? And you are justifying it and saying it's just a misunderstanding. So it's okay for him to keep doing things that she doesn't like because of a "misunderstanding" but she must keep putting up with this?

Original poster

HopingSomeoneIsAwake · 13/12/2022 17:52

Thank you for the responses I have a bit of an update, I spoke to them about it and said because of how suffocated I feel it’s made me want to take a step back from them… they responded to that by becoming extremely defensive and making personal attacks against me… I definitely dodged a bullet there! 😅

OP posts:

GreenManalishi · 13/12/2022 18:28

they responded to that by becoming extremely defensive and making personal attacks against me

@HopingSomeoneIsAwake well done! Honestly, your gut feeling is your best friend on this shit, if it feels off, it's off, that's all you need to know. Your opinion on someones behaviour is enough, you don't need it explaining or justifying. If you feel weird about the way someone is behaving that is absolutely enough to move away from them.

@C1N1C erring on too much rather than too little? Some like to be chased? Do me a favour. You are so way off the mark it's unreal, and you've got the same ability to read a room as the problematic man that OP's instinct was right about. It's really really easy. All you need to do is listen. Pass it on.

Original poster

HopingSomeoneIsAwake · 13/12/2022 18:32

GreenManalishi · 13/12/2022 18:28

they responded to that by becoming extremely defensive and making personal attacks against me

@HopingSomeoneIsAwake well done! Honestly, your gut feeling is your best friend on this shit, if it feels off, it's off, that's all you need to know. Your opinion on someones behaviour is enough, you don't need it explaining or justifying. If you feel weird about the way someone is behaving that is absolutely enough to move away from them.

@C1N1C erring on too much rather than too little? Some like to be chased? Do me a favour. You are so way off the mark it's unreal, and you've got the same ability to read a room as the problematic man that OP's instinct was right about. It's really really easy. All you need to do is listen. Pass it on.

I completely agree and the final nail in the coffin was when they said that their behaviour is normal and I’m being ridiculous and overreacting and wouldn’t take no for an answer… just confirmed some of the negative feelings I had brewing about them already to be honest!

OP posts:

FermisLeftFoot · 13/12/2022 19:03

Yikes! Obviously someone with no boundaries and who won’t take no for an answer! Their reaction when you said how you felt says it all really. Bullet dodged.

Also - that behaviour and their reaction is NOT normal! But you know that. Glad you’ve ended things.