To ask if I’m being mean re gifts

[Isittooearlyforadram]

Went NC with parents and sister about eight years ago after years of nastiness, cruelty and bullying that I won’t go into here.I haven’t seen my niece and nephew since and would not know them if I passed them in the street - they’re now teenagers like ours are. I did try to keep up a relationship at first as it seemed a shame for the cousins to lose touch but my sister was very clear this was not going to happen and ignored or rejected all party invitations, offers to have them round to play, etc.

initially I would send Xmas gifts to niece and nephew - just a small token Amazon voucher or cash - but three years ago I decided to stop as it just seemed pointless. They are very, very privileged kids with a massive family on bil side and my parents and sister and bil spend a fortune on them at Xmas. I figured they’re certainly not going to miss a £25 Amazon voucher. Xmas is tight for us every year, I don’t earn a lot and neither does DH. So £50 less on presents helps. I doubt very much niece and nephew even noticed I stopped. We are unlikely to ever see them again as sister now lives on another continent.

Anyway my sister hasn’t stopped sending vouchers. Just received this year’s. It’s made me feel really mean - I do wonder if she continues to do it to make some kind of point rather than out of generosity. Thinking about her and my parents makes me feel really anxious and panicky as they were just so awful and now I don’t know what to do, should I start sending vouchers again?

Well you are judging your nephew and niece by their family money. Not them as people. Just send something smaller and keep communication open with them. I have similar issues but it’s not the fault of the Dc. Although one never says thank you. We are not quite the same as it’s me with the money! You should not judge children by the acts of their parents though.

I’m not judging them at all, I guess it’s more just that I don’t see the point of sending gifts to children who I don’t know and who don’t know me and who I’m unlikely to ever see again.

It’s so stupid but any kind of contact from my sister just turns me into an anxious mess.

It is a bit mean yes as it suggests you dont think about or care about them at all, even though it's not their.fault. you dont have to.spend as much as £50 but maybe just something to show you have thought about them

I agree with you tbh, if there's a no relationship there sending presents seems pointless.

They are all teenagers now. If yours want to establish contact they can do that via social media and see what happens. Don't bother with the presents, you're right it's a waste of money on your part. Nice of your sister to send yours something, but a thank you from yours will be enough in the circumstances I think. So stick to your rule.

I wouldn’t send anything, what’s the point? You say yourself you are never going to see them again. They don’t no you so I doubt they care, they probably don’t even no what presents their mum sends to other people.

It is judging them to say they won’t notice your present and then justify this by saying the parents are rich so it doesn’t matter what you do. Now you say you will never see them. If you want to stay apart from children, that’s up to you, but don’t blame them. Just send a book!

I wouldn't send them anything.

You're estranged, there's no relationship there at all, what's the point in spending £50 on a token box ticking exercise?

If they get in touch in future and want a relationship then you can start sending gifts again.

I would, however, make my kids say thank you for the gift they received or send it back.

Stop.

Your sister is maintaining the observable highground here .. For a reason.

You made a decision, it was right for you at the time. Has anything other than a vague feeling of guilt changed?