Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not sympathise with my abusive father

13 replies

Stickystitch · 12/12/2022 09:39

My father, in his 60s, is constantly complaining about how miserable he is. He and my mum retired to what I think is a very bleak, antisocial rural town on the coast where there is nothing to do and you need to drive 20 minutes at least to get anywhere. Previously they lived in a nice town on the outskirts of London, and my dad worked in the city. Since moving, they've piled on weight, have no friends, and mainly spend all day watching TV. I knew this move was a mistake, but they never listen to me.

Growing up, my dad bullied me and my brother, but particularly me. Would lose his temper with me over nothing, used to smack me or threaten to knock me out right up to the age of about 16/17. I was severely depressed, self harmed, and had an eating disorder throughout my teens - my parents didn't seem to notice or care. I had no support. If I spent a long time in bed or in my room (depressed and to avoid abuse) they'd acuse me of being on drugs or being up to no good.

Aibu for not having a lot of sympathy for him? I know their happiness is not my responsibility, but I struggle with what to say to him to brush him off when he's telling me how unhappy he is. The temptation to say what I really think is very strong but would cause a huge argument!

OP posts:
FrostyLadyBoutique · 12/12/2022 09:43

“That’s a shame, Dad.” Change subject.

I’m sorry you had such a shitty childhood. 😞

Astrak · 12/12/2022 09:43

What goes around, comes around. There are charities who will help them, if needed.

ThatshallotBaby · 12/12/2022 09:46

So sorry you had a nasty dad. Try and distance yourself, you are right his happiness is not your responsibility.
I hope you have healed from your childhood. You owe them nothing. Flowers

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 12/12/2022 09:47

I have to play a similar game with mine.

I have long practised any number of "Oh dear, fancy that" kind of comments. It's all I can do not to shout, but both DSis and I have agreed to take it in turns to be the one that communicates. Share the pain. You just have to do what ever you can actually manage and then forget the FOG. It was built into you for a reason. You really can manage a peer to peer relationship with parents, but it can take practice.

Preraph · 12/12/2022 09:47

It says a lot about you as a person that you are even slightly concerned about them despite the way you were treated, as the saying goes, "they've made their bed now they have to lie in it"...this is your time now, to move on and seek some well earned happiness, you owe them nothing. I wish you the very best.

summergone · 12/12/2022 09:51

So sorry you had such a shit childhood and what a kind caring person you are to be remotely bothered by their dull life . They are not your responsibility , they have made their choices .

billy1966 · 12/12/2022 09:51

Why are you in contact at all is the real question?

Give blah answers if you must and severely limit contact with them.

Who cares how they end up, you definitely shouldn't.

Live your best life and mind yourself.

ILikeBigSaladsAndICannotLie · 12/12/2022 09:52

Absolutely echo PP comments. You reap what you sow, and all that. You had to find your own strength without him/them, they can’t really complain now.

zlister · 12/12/2022 09:54

Why are you even in contact? I really don't get this. Of course you're not unreasonable but also why cling onto w relationship with someone who abused you? Ditch him and only speak to your mum - if she's nice

Dodecaheidyin · 12/12/2022 10:12

You're not being unreasonable at all, you owe him nothing, certainly not any sympathy.

Things you could say -

"Oh dear"
"Poor you"
"Have you any thoughts about how you could change your situation?". His response to that one will be telling. If nothing changes every time you have contact you could ask it from time to time and see if he actually does consider it or if he's just using you as a vessel to dump his misery into. If that's the case, I'd be seriously considering lessening the time you have available for him. Or at the very least changing the subject every time he starts to whine.

Is he the same with your brother?

I feel for you, I had a similar man in my life, it can be such a drain Flowers

Stickystitch · 12/12/2022 11:15

I'm only still in touch with my dad to keep the peace. I have scaled back contact with my parents since they moved away, it has been a blessing for me to be honest. I call my mum once a week, as she's been unwell this year, and visit them maybe twice a year. I never talk to my dad usually, apart from the occasional message.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 12/12/2022 11:21

So is it your Mum you keep in touch for? I think that you should go with the suggestion of asking what his plans are to change things. Or just a "yeah it must be bad" then is Mum there? Certainly don't sympathise.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 12/12/2022 11:26

Write the word Karma on your hand. Rub it whenever df complains. .

New posts on this thread. Refresh page