Help! Moving 100+ miles from my family!

[Boymomma22]

To cut a long story short, my partner has been miserable in his job for a long while but supporting me and my 6 month old, has only highlighted the problem for him.

He is originally from down south (approx. 120miles from where we are now) and has always said how he would one day like to return. I have said it would be a nice place for our kids to grow up, much safer with decent schools and job opportunities for myself. However, I also said that I wasn’t ready just yet. Having just had a baby, I want my support network around me, my grandad isn’t going to be with us too much longer and I’m looking forward to seeing my niece (1.5 years old) grow up closely to my son. However, my partner had been so fixated on his unhappiness at work, he found 2 ‘dream’ jobs to apply for; one where we are currently and another down south. I encouraged him to apply for both jobs as he had become so fixated, miserable and I want him to be happy. He didn’t get the job where we are now but did get the one down south; so it would appear that we are moving much sooner than I anticipated.

My partners new role is a rare opportunity for him, which I can’t stand in the way of. I do not want him to resent me for the rest of his life. However, despite agreeing to move eventually I am struggling with the concept of moving in a matter of months when I had my return to work planned out, my sons nursery chosen and my parents looking after him once a week. I feel like everything is now so uncertain and I’m still dealing with PTSD from a traumatic birth. I am dreading telling my parents as I know they will be incredibly upset and think I’m taking their grandson away from them. I’ve told my sister and she burst into tears, begging me not to go and how she was looking forward to our kids growing up together. I suggested to my sister that we make more effort and she basically said it won’t happen as life gets in the way.

My partner and I can’t move just yet due to needing to sell our house etc but I already feel completely riddled with guilt and worried Im going to affect my families relationship with my little one. There’s a part of me that’s excited about going somewhere new, nicer and safer, especially for bringing up my little boy but it’s overshadowed by the guilt; I know my family will not be happy for us.

Ultimately I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable for allowing my partner to be happy in his job by moving 120 from my family?

Oh that's a lot of feelings to work through. If you're family are a generally good support, I'd be disinclined to move 2.5 hours away while I was suffering from poor mental health. Would his family be around to help? Have you looked at job opportunities down there for you? Leaving your family will never be easy, no matter how long you wait - there will always be a reason not to - so do you REALLY want to move away?

It’s a tricky one!! I moved 165 miles away from my family, 8 years ago also with a little one. And for similar reasons. Originally, my husband had moved to my home city, but 2 years in, he wasn’t happy. He had previously had a well paid job in London (he is from Kent) but in Bristol (my home city ) the job was much lower paid, smaller company and also not the same opportunity as there was in London as his profession is fairly niche. Cost of living in Bristol was at the time (and still is) not much different to the south east either. I decided I would be happy to move to the south east and give it a go, the same way he had done by coming to Bristol. But we both agreed, if after a similar time frame I wasn’t happy, we would go back to Bristol - he would look at retraining in another role. Or something. But that I needed the most ‘support’ from my family with our little one. Where he wasn’t moving back for family support.
After house hunting in Kent and not finding anything we both loved, we widened the search to areas commutable to his job (his old company took him back) we eventually settled on a town in Essex.
It was hard for the first six months. I felt home sick and I missed family and friends. But then We Worked hard to build a life here , I made new friends, joined clubs, a year in I went back to work, little one at nursery and then school- and then it wasn’t a case of it being easy enough to go back to Bristol. As our child’s life was now here.
luckily I didn’t ever want to go home anyway. 2 years in and I was fully settled. And now it’s 8.5 years and I definitely wouldn’t go back.
its a 3 hour drive door to door for me to go back. Or a train into London, tube and another train, which takes roughly same time all in all.
the one thing for me that was non negotiable was that I got to go back often! At first I would drive alone every 6 weeks and stay with family or friend and have a break. As DC got older, I would take them with me. Every few months DH would also come. As time went on, I reduced these trips. I go home 2 - 3 times a year, and family come up here 2-3 times a year. It’s not as often as I would have seen family had I still been at home, but it feels often enough that they have a close relationship with me and DC.

as your baby is so young, could you maybe do the same? Agree to try it ( but have a timeframe and a plan if you’re not happy?)

Also where is it you would be moving?

Thank you for replying @Muddywaters1

I think I wanted to move away until it became a reality and now I’m in turmoil. I’ve always wanted to get out of where I am and live nearer the beach/more rural etc and I’d be getting this. His family would be around to support us and there are plenty of jobs within my career field. I just can’t see past the guilt of not being down the road for my family 😓

One thing I would say from your post though…. Understandable that family might be sad at the thought of you moving away. However… your sister crying and begging you not to go, saying it won’t be the same if you move, your parents (potentially) saying the same thing and that you’re taking the DGC away from them… it’s not about them. You have to do what’s right for YOU and your family. Don’t let others feelings sway your decision. Equally, if it’s not something you want to even try, be honest and tell your DH this. You seem to be putting your own feelings last here.
yes, it can work with family relationships. It’s not the same, in that you can’t just pop round and see family at short notice and you can’t see them as often as you usually do. But if you are in position to make regular trips, it does make it a lot easier! My DD is closer to my parents than she is to my DH parents who only live half hour away!

thank you @Callieviolet.

Funnily enough, we’d be moving to Bristol from Birmingham. My partner has said if it doesn’t work out down south we can always move back up, I’m just certain he’ll love his new job too much. He also works within a niche field and has been lucky to bag a this rare opportunity. He is due to start in January and we can’t move just yet so will be commuting and staying at his parents in the week while I’m with baby up north. It’s all just happening so suddenly and I wasn’t expecting it, especially when I’m just getting my head around being a first time mom.

I have stated that my non negotiables are that visit often with LO, thus working part time and we have a spare room for people to stay. I just know that my family won’t come and stay and they’ll be busy with each other and my parents aren’t getting any younger.

I feel like I’m having to choose between my partner and his happiness and my family, although I don’t really have much of a choice. Xx

How long have you been together? Any plans to marry?

How easy will you get a new job especially part time as its easier to negotiate when in a job. What if you can't find work? Are you aware that if you separated you may not be able to move back to family support.

It seems you will need to make all the compromises whereas most people accept that a new mum should have her support network. Realistically if you hated it, would you both move back??

oh wow! Well, Bristol is a beautiful city, though of course I’m biased. 🤣 I didn’t realise how beautiful it was until I moved away. And although I wouldn’t move back, it is a truly lovely place with a bit of everything. Which part of Bristol do you know roughly? (If not too outing.)
Birmingham isn’t ‘far’ to visit either. We had friends in Birmingham we would visit and get the train from Bristol. Driving wise it’s too bad a trip either. Xx

And yes I will admit, it isn’t easy when family aren’t well or there is a health emergency with family. My mum has had cancer twice - once in 2019 and then again in 2021. And now my dad has just been diagnosed with cancer too. They are in late sixties now, so not elderly but not getting any younger either obviously! We’ve also had a few times with my DD very unwell in hospital and a few times my MH has been very bad - and all these times I just wanted to be close to them.

If it was a choice between Birmingham and Bristol.....I'd be packing up and moving now!

I wouldn’t move away from my family with a baby, especially when you’re not even married.

He’s going to be off to work everyday leaving you alone with baby with nobody around you. This is a terrible idea and you should put your foot down.

I feel like I’m having to choose between my partner and his happiness and my family, although I don’t really have much of a choice. Xx

Be very careful how you voice that, if you do, to your OH. As written it makes a very clear distinction between him and the people you include in your family group, as did the my 6 month old in your OP.

I can only suggest that you both use this as an opportunity to discuss all sorts of things leaving you both fully informed of the other's thoughts.

Put her foot down about what? Her partner presumably has to work, it's an equally terrible idea to insists he stays in a job he hates, particularly if he's the main earner. Issuing ultimatums is rarely a good idea, the other party might not react in the way you were hoping. OP has admitted his family would be around to help so it isn't true that she will have nobody around her, she just won't be as near HER family.

It clearly needs a proper discussion @Boymomma22, there may be compromises available. Given that you aren't married, it would be reasonable for you to say that you will need some time to get your head around a move – could he stay at his parents a little bit longer? Could you look at moving half-way so he has a commute to work each day but you are only, say, 45 minutes from your parents?

@thing47 Put her foot down about moving so far away with a baby with someone she’s not even married to.

He doesn’t have to stay in the job, but if he wanted to stay with his family he would have to get a job where we lived. Plenty of opportunities in Birmingham.

meh I’m put off by the fact you’re not actually married. Why’s that? It’s a lot to expect of you to move from your family especially as there’s no legal commitment here.
I moved away from my family to be with my fiancé, now husband and tbh it’s been hard. I miss my mum a lot. I also never really found another job in his location that I really felt comfortable in and have ended up on a lot less money. I had a missed miscarriage and then sepsis after the birth of our child and not having my mum on hand to help in these situations was awful.