Second best with in laws because we don't have children

[Cosmogirl]

Hi,

DH and I have been together for 8 years and will be married 3 in April this year. We are yet to start a family, although I'd like to fairly soon. Thing is, sometimes I think I/we as a couple are treated differently by in laws because we don't have kids.
DH's brother and his wife have been together less time than us but have one dc and another on the way. Sometimes I feel we are treated as second best to them because we don't have sprogs......But we are working hard, earning money, own our own house and we are trying to save money before we start a family. Am I just being jealous or has anyone else felt this way?

sorry i'm not in your position, i am eldest of 3 girls and only one to have moved out, got married and had kids....my kids are 3yo and 22mths and i have to say my sisters say they feel left out with my parents as they seem to interact more with me since i had the kids....i think its just parents being thrilled with being grandparents so much that they dont realise you may feel like your being pushed aside....i'm sure its not deliberate, and once you have kids younger than theirs it'll be you getting all the attention!! enjoy the peace from the in-laws while it lasts!!

I agree with glaskham- I think everyone comes second to the grandkids once they come along! I think grandparents just get tunnel vision for them just like parents do, my parents barely acknowledge me when I walk in with ds and my MIL as much as told dh there was no point going to visit her without ds! (I think she was joking a little)

again, I have kids and my brother doesn't. dp is an only child, so not in the same situation as you but I would agree with glaskham that grandparents are ALWAYS going to want to spend lots of time with the grandkids, and lavish attention on them, especially if they're the first grandchildren they have.

how do you feel they treat ytou second best?

We were together for 11 years, married for 9 before we had DS. DH's brothers are 6 and 7 years older, but had kids much younger, so we really suffered from this.
It always seemed that DHs parents didn't really bother about us, just about all the others.
Its not hugely better now we have DS, as the others have more going on, and I think the initial excitement of being a grandparent wears off after 6 gcs and 16 years.

Do you mean that you are treated second best relative to your BIL or that you're treated second best relative to the grandchildren?

Thanks for your replies ladies.
Fingerwoman- I don't know really - I suppose it is probably mostly in my head. I guess I sometimes feel we are not 'interesting' enough to them. It is all 'grandchild this' 'BIL, SIL that'. Until we have produced a grandchild I just don't think I'll be 100 per cent part of the family....that sounds bad - they do treat me very well, it's just a feeling I get. Maybe, like I said, it is more to do with my own feelings about wanting a child and being peeved that we have been pipped to the post not once but twice!

Spicemonster - I think it's as much BIL and SIL as grandchild. They just get talked about a lot more than us. I know that sounds completely

why not try for a family now? I think you're itching to wow them with a small baby

Lol pointy....I know I sound stupidly jealous....I guess part of me is. I just wish people didn't have to treat other differently based on whether they have reproduced or not! I am mega broody but just about to start a new job, so it's not the right time. We were thinking end of the year maybe.

ahh....now think- they probably do it trying to 'update you'....when she probably tells them 'mrs cosmo this, mr cosmo that'....dont beat yourself up about it- we feel all dh family are like that with his attention seeking brother, but its probably that they tell BIL mr askham this mr askam that!!'.....

Children just are far more interesting than
a) working hard (no matter what your job is)
b) earning money (unless you;re earning LOADS and giving lots to me)
c)owning a house (well, some people do find house-chat scintillating so maybe shouldn';t have included that one)
d) saving money (yaawwnn)

That's not to belittle what you do and who you are. But I think grandchildren are so popular because it stops you talking about all that stuff. And makes them feel young again

I think there are a number of things in play here

Your relationship is about 2 adults who don't really have any pressures in life apart from yourselves.

your ILs have small children which can lead to more pressure / demands

Children are a bonding issue for families .. they are a continuation of the line .. and something to be proud of

They are time consuming and funny and interesting in a way that you as adults, and in fact your BIL and SIL as adults just aren't .. they are reflective of the people who see them and belong to them (parents and grandparents)

You might feel out of the loop but that's because at the moment you are the youngest generation .. still kids .. your BIL and SIL have crossed that gap into the parental generation and their parents recognise this ... it is a different dynamic

I am sure your MIL and FIL are proud of you and interested in you .. but you are independent force at the moment

I think you are being jealous of something you want .. but you have plans to be there so you'll soon see what it's like on the other side of the coin

I guess you are right . Plus having a child does seem to bring families closer together and I think that is what has happened with BIL. On the other hand, we haven't had kids, so we've not given them that 'joy' and family bonding experience.... ie: we suck......they are great.

That is a little how it feels sometimes but maybe I am over reacting...

Cosmogirl - I wouldn't disagree with a word you've written. But having said that, I'm coming at it from the other side, where I feel that I'm only now of interest to my father and stepmother having given them a grand-daughter.

But the flipside of this, is that they're not really interested in me at all - I could have taken up a new career as prime minister for all they known these days - they're only interested in her, whether the next tooth has come through etc etc. So you don't win...

And yes, glaskham is spot on. I thought I was being bored to tears about my brothers' doings because they weren't interested in mine. But the same went on the other way round. Apparently.

Cross-posted Twiglett. Great post by the way - I think you just about hit the nail on the head. I do feel ashamed that I feel this way though....Feel like I'm being a spoilt child who wants all the attention and that just isn't me.

Enjoy the peace while it lasts as you won't be able to get rid of your in-laws once you start popping out grandchildren

omg think yourself lucky they will do your head in when you have kids so make the most of the lack of them if i were u

I don't think you should feel ashamed cosmogirl, the way you feel is completely understandable. And I should know because I'm the last in my family to have kids and have felt the same in the past

Twiglett's post is spot on IMO

Hope you get your DCs soon

Thanks ladies - you've been a great help. I don't feel quite so mad now