To think you can never have enough to please a teen?

[Lex345]

More of a rant, I guess. DS is 16. He is going through an "everything costs a fortune" phase. He gets an allowance and also a bursary from college. No job although I have been trying to get him to get one. He applied for one, got an interview but was unsuccessful.

I explained to him Christmas would be low key this year, but asked for a sensible list from him and my younger 2. Younger 2 have been sensible. DS' list was more than 5 times as expensive and to put simply, I just can't afford it and had to tell him that. So I already feel pretty shitty at this point, but I've managed to get some of what he wanted at least, plus a few little stocking fillers as I always do for all 3. Also had another conversation this week as he wants to do something next year that would require £15k to do it. I dont have it. I wont have it then.)

DS has a girlfriend and its fairly intense. She is a nice girl and he seems happy, but they spend a lot of time together, which I guess is normal (but its to the point where he doesn't go out with friends). Anyway, DS announced they wanted to go to a music event. It was mainly just in passing, I asked how he was planning to get there and back and I googled it to check age restrictions/where it was etc. DS has been in a foul mood all day and all of a sudden wasn't seeing girlfriend today. We have asked a few times, but just got grunts he is fine.

A bit later it occurred to me that maybe DS was wanting me to buy tickets for said event. I asked is that what he wanted and he said yes. But only 1 as girlfriends friend is buying hers. No mention of day he is going and to me, a bit strange tickets aren't being bought all together if its a group thing but anyway-it transpires tickets are way above and beyond what I even have in my bank until I get paid. I just don't have it. Its hundreds of pounds. I was expecting it to be under £100.

DS has then gone in a strop, at which point DH has tried to have a conversation with him and at one point DS literally told him to shut up 😳 and although DS now seems to have accepted I can't pay for this ticket, he is in a foul mood and I feel like the worst mum in the world.

(Little bit of context, my salary has halved in the past 2 years and I am the sole earner. We are keeping our heads above water. Just. At 16, I had no financial support at all, a full time.job and college, and lived in my own house due to lots of problems at home. I feel like I have worked hard to make sure my children don't have the same worries I did, even if I can't spend hundreds and hundreds of pounds on whim.)

I'm sorry for the long post. Have had a hard time the past couple of years and this Christmas just starting to feel like we are getting back on track. I now feel like crap and a failure :(

Teenagers are unreasonable and don't seem to be able to see the bigger picture often. You are 100% not a failure and sound like a great parent.

A good parent teaches their child that money doesn't grow on trees and that sometimes the answer will be "can't afford it". Because sometimes it will.

At 16 you aren't responsible for his social diary...
Ime
.

Just ignore him and don’t pander to his demands. If he wants more than you can provide he’s welcome to get a job and pay for it all.

Better that than someone I kmow who indulges her now adult kid's every expensive whim and wonders why they are greedy, lazy and entitled and openly expecting her to work past 75 to support them

And it doesn’t have to be ‘I can’t afford it. I often say no to my kids although they
don’t ask for much tbf. ‘I don’t want to spend my money on that’ is an acceptable response .

Your son needs to grow up. I was working 12 hours a week at 15yrs.

If you keep paying for stuff (even under £100 is a lot for one day/evening out), he won't learn the value of money and hard work.

And just laugh if he mentions the £15 k activity again. Do not let a 16 year old make you feel bad about how much you spend on gifts for him! He’s being an entitled brat !

I feel your pain. Sounds like he needs a part- time job, he’ll grow up a bit then and realise what money is worth a bit more.

He sounds spoiled. Did you subconsciously overcompensate for growing up without yourself by giving him whatever he wanted until your financial circumstances changed two years ago? Please don’t feel guilty. You’ve done nothing wrong and he needs to learn he can’t expect to be handed everything he wants in life. Was there consequences to him telling your DH to shut up?

Empathy from me too.

I’ve got a slightly older one who is very entitled. Finds it hard when we say no but doesn’t want to pay out herself.
She has one friend who is lovely but parents fund a very lavish lifestyle - mine seems to think we should facilitate the same for her. We often hear about how friend X has so much and how wonderful her parents are…
we don’t hear so much from her about the other friends who are from less privileged backgrounds.

I hate to say it, he sounds very spoilt. The fact that you feel guilty because you can’t give him his every demand is telling. You need to approach things differently, and not allow yourself to feel bad. Getting everything he wants for no work will ruin him. He’s still getting some nice gift for Christmas from you, but his expectations are way too high. His lifestyle demands are too much given your family is struggling financially, and he’s old enough to get a part-time job to support them.

When I was 12 my mum had to return all of my Xmas presents as she struggling so badly. I understood and agreed that she could, because I didn’t want her to feel stressed about the money. My mum was a single mum, dad offered no financial or other support. I understood from a young age I couldn’t get anything I wanted by demanding it off my mum, I knew she didn’t have the means. I accepted it and it encouraged me to work hard in school in the hopes that I’d be able to have a better lifestyle one day. As a teen I would have never asked my mum for £100 for anything! The thought wouldn’t have crossed my mind, let alone going in a strop about it. I didn’t feel like she ‘owed’ it to me. Being a teen is not an excuse for being selfish, I see this behaviour excused on that basis far too often on MN.

Op, from your last comment it seems you had to work hard and be self sufficient from a young age to get what you wanted too. My son is only 4, but I find it very hard not to spoil him as deep down I want him to enjoy, and I want him to have it easy. But sometimes we have to pull ourselves back and think of what will be more beneficial in the long-term. I think it’s better that kids learn from a young age to solve their own problems, i.e. ‘I need money for this, I can do that by working’. The alternative is ‘I want this, my parents should give it to me because I’m their son, I’m angry that they won’t, it is all their fault’.

Thank you for the replies, mum guilt is the worst.

He is 100% acting spoiled. I am probably too soft on all 3 children because of my own childhood and probably more so with DS as my first born, but we have never been what I would call well off to be able to give in to every whim. He has never been very demanding with money before to be honest. DD/DS2 currently would never act like this on being told no. DD is 14 and has a job. DS2 is a bit young yet but is already talking of getting one.

I had to walk out before the shut up comment because I was getting upset at how DS was speaking to me, DH told.me afterwards and I was annoyed-DH said he has apologised at least- DH will have to deal with consequences here. DS has gone to bed to sulk.

It’s not really the point that you can’t afford it, they are not reasonable requests. I understand how you feel though, I think it’s inherent to want to please and make our children happy, particularly this generation. I’m having similar and being strong and simply saying no but when they are older they are welcome to buy whatever it is they want. Previously I would try and reason and explain and even apologise but I’m just saying no, I am not buying/doing that.

He needs a job if he wants expensive hobbies and festival tickets. Money doesn’t grow on tree’s and sooner he realises the better

My son is 15 and wants a canada goose coat costing £1000+ when he asked for it, the answer was a definitive no - there was no way I would pay that sort of money when I wouldn't spend £1000 on a coat for myself! He has a part time job and he has saved 2/3 of the money, he will get a bit of Christmas money and we will loan him the balance. The key word is loan and he will be expected to pay us back the loan.

Teenagers have ridiculous expectations and as parents we need to manage those expectations.
Your son needs to get himself a job to finance this lifestyle he wants.

@Fuzzywuzzyface That is such a great way to manage something like that. DS got his bursary in the past 2 weeks and theoretically could have paid 90% of this-although I wouldnt have advised him to-if he had saved at least a contribution it might not be so bad. I feel like this has been a knee jerk plan to go-the tickets will sell out quickly, so he cannot realistically save for this, but maybe he will in the future- and I suspect he has already spent most of his bursary-I don't know as he manages this himself (we pay his allowance into his bank too and have for a while to help him budget). He doesn't have any expenses for college-its walking distance (nearer than his secondary school was!) and we obviously cover all essentials.

My guess would be that he has bought his girlfriend a ticket and was hoping you’d cover his.

Sounds like a (boy) friend has bought the girlfriends ticket and put your sons nose out of joint. Perhaps he is insecure if she is still seeing her friends but he isnt and you parents are in the crossfire