To ask for advice?

[EmilioSoup]

A dear friend’s 16 year old DD is going through chemo for a rare cancer. It is such as a shock, she’s always been so healthy and sporty. Needless to say, it is devastating.

I want to get her a gift, but am struggling and maybe over thinking. Or not. My friend says she was upset by somebody else giving her a hamper because she can’t eat or really enjoy the food. Also been advised against any cosmetics etc as she finds this distressing (understandably).

It’s not a Christmas gift, me and my friend (her mum) both have a ‘family only’ policy for Christmas. Just something to show my support and that I’m thinking of her.

I’m thinking of something that can feel comforting and nice to her, and am considering an electric throw? It’s very nice, a high end thick one made of faux fur, it looks really luxurious and maybe it will comfort her when she’s feeling poorly after chemo?

She’s also into film photography and I considered treating her to some nice film/equipment but she can’t really get out and about at the moment so I’m not sure.

I’ve already asked my friend what her DD would like and she only told me what not to get, understandably, she has a hell of a lot on her mind. Just thought I’d ask on here

Audible subscription?

Puzzles, books, something to do while she's actually having the chemo?

An oodie style type thing or a comfy hoodie? For when she’s having chemo?

I would go for something as close to normal as possible, albeit modified for any current limitations.

Getting her gifts focused around being sick are more likely to heighten distress in my experience. The message from blanket type gifts is "your life as you know it is over and you're just going to be in bed feeling shit now".

Get her a distraction that's true to who she is, not defined by a disease.

If she's being inundated with "I'm sorry you have cancer" gifts from frightened people trying to make themselves feel more in control that also might do more harm than good.

A token Christmas gift (if normally that's not done) and being consistent as treatment progresses and other people move on with their lives might be more helpful to her. Remembering she's still going through hell and being supportive later down the track when other people are finding it tiresome.

Seeing someone else, especially a young person, with a serious life-threatening disease is frightening and distressing. It can make you feel powerless and unsafe - giving a gift is a way of feeling in control again by "doing something" when you can't change things. But if she's already distressed by the gifts, will more help? Is it for her benefit then or yours?

Speaking as someone who had to try and pick up the pieces of the distress caused by other people trying to manage their fear and discomfort by inundating a sick person with gifts and cards that were far more about the sender's than the recipient's needs.

Normality might be better. A little Christmas gift related to her hobbies.