To wonder if this is normal?

[Starwarslover]

My son has just turned 5. We have 3 year old twin girls.

My sons behaviour has been a concern to me for the last 3 years. Everyone has always explained this away as a reaction to getting siblings but now he has started school and I see his friends with their siblings I’m more concerned.

in short:

1. he can not play alone ever. This has been an issue since before the twins were born

2. I can’t leave him alone in a room with his sisters because he hurts them, hits their back or squeezes a hand or foot or pushes them. He is always punished for this but it has never made a difference. I often see him slyly hurting them and I would say this is my biggest concern. I also worry he will really hurt one of them and they will end up in hospital.

3. he throws and breaks his toys. Doesn’t care about being told off.

4. takes toys from his sisters constantly, snatches from them and pushes them.

5. both sets of our parents can’t look after him as he’s too intense with constantly requiring play/ attention and never listens when told to stop doing something

the biggest issue is that he is a delight at school, the TA is always telling me how good he is. I know if I raise any concerns they won’t be able to reconcile this child to the one they know. Other parents tell me how sweet he is at birthday parties

AIBU to wonder if this is normal and what on earth I can do to change things? My husband and I are at a complete loss at this behaviour

My sister was always like this with me, even into our teenage years and early 20s til I stopped contact and sought therapy.

Therapist only guess was she never got over me being born. 🤷‍♀️ I'm aware this offers no real advice but just make sure you never leave him alone with his sisters.

You say he only got like this after they were born so I'd be inclined to think its because of them if he is fine when away from them and does not hurt other children.

My friend's ds was like this with his dsis. When she was born particularly her dh went ott making him feel 'not left out' so much so he became superior in his mind to his dsis...
Doing lots of joint activities may help.

He's jealous of the girls

@Notimeforaname im sorry to hear you suffered like that. I will make sure the girls are well protected.

i know he’s jealous of them and we do give him lots of individual attention, extra curricular clubs without them etc but as soon as he is with them he reverts back. I thought he would have adjusted by now

If you can afford it, I'd suggest a child psychotherapist.

Agree with pp above, would look at getting him some outside help with this because it's so unpleasant...for all of you! Even somthing like play therapy if you can afford it might help.
You sound like you're doing the very best you can op!

I've seen the lifelong ramifications of having a sibling like this, and it isn't pretty. I would be getting him into therapy immediately.

Sounds like he is trying to get attention.. any attention is good attention I imagine if you are the elder brother of twin girls

My sister used to hit me and tell people she didn't have a sibling and I was the midwife's baby. She also gave me soap to eat and told me it was chocolate.

Is he ever, at a calm connected time, allowed to express how difficult it is to get not only a sibling, but twin siblings (without any attempts to convince him otherwise?). It's important to normalise this and get it out on the open, express empathy. Not for the behaviour, but for the cause.

Behaviour wise, stop punishing him (it's not working, probably causing shame) and do not let him have any unsupervised contact with the girls. Make them a gated room or play space for moments you can't be there. Block any attempts to hit etc.

It does sound like it's an attention thing, and maybe how you're responding to his behaviour. At school he knows right from wrong, and knows there's consequences to his behaviour. Does he know at home that there's consequences to his behaviour? What happens when he pinches, throws toys? Is he told off? Is he punished in any way so that he understands it was wrong and enough to make him not do it again?

extra curricular clubs without them
Also without you, so he’s sent to do other stuff. reinforcing to him that he isn’t your number 1 any longer.

I'd be worrying about this too OP. So you would not be unreasonable to seek some professional advice.

My brother was just like this. Even through all my childhood it was as if he hated me. He was jeolous and also has adhd. Now we are grown up he's pretty nice, and would do anything for me. Lives a long way away, so maybe that makes it easier. My mum used to have to put a barrier across the centre of the room to keep him away from me.

I'm pretty well adjusted, and so is he

@StrikeandRobin no they are all clubs where the parent stays and watches so one of us takes him and stays and tells the other how brilliantly he did etx when we get home. He gets a lot of praise for his achievements.

i hadn’t considered seeing anyone professionally tbh but I will look into it, I don’t want this to last forever and it doesn’t seem to be resolving itself. When in public he is generally really nice to the girls, at softplay he will help them to get to the bigger slides etc, it’s more of an issue at home, we try to get out as much as we can

@HelllBaby if he hits or throws a toy then he either loses a toy or goes to his room for a timeout. He cries and doesn’t like the punishment but it doesn’t seem to have any bearing on whether he does it again.

@lssg I hadn’t thought of specifically talking to him about his issues with his sisters. I do ask him why he hits etc but he just says things like ‘because I want to’. He’s not the best at communicating if asked about his day at school and what he did he usually just says ‘I don’t know’

@username8888 im pleased there was a happy ending to this story and I hope it will be the same
for us. I’m very close with my siblings so I find the whole concept quite alien