Family problem who's in the wrong?

[Halli2020]

Trying to work out who's in the wrong because as usual it's all me. I hope you mumsnetters can shed some light.

To briefly out line a few years ago I made contact with my dad who I hadn't seen for 17 years. I am 25,he has a 9 year old son with another woman now. We met up regularly and built up a relationship where we spoke most days and I met the rest of my family, all was well. One issue was that my mum and dad hate each other due to their divorce, my mum is a difficult person anyway and I have limited contact with her nowadays and my dad knows this. My "stepmum" has never been accepting of me because of my mum, so my dad and his wife decided not to tell my little brother about me, he doesn't know I exist which is a big issue as I can't understand why this "hate" for my mum is being taken out on me. I offered to go for a coffee with step mum to get to know each other but she doesn't want anything to do with me.

As time moved on, me and partner moved closer to my family as we built up a fairly close relationship. But nobody was sticking up for me and saying that what step mum was doing was actually affecting me, keeping me from building a relationship with my brother. My dad said one day she will come round to the idea and a couple of years later, brother still doesn't know I exist. Me and family had big argument over this as I said I've basically moved under the impression I will build relationship with my dad and brother, nothing was progressing. So we moved back to hometown as really living there was pointless.

Decided to cut ties as really affected my mental health, a year later I wrote to my dad and told him how I feel and how situation with step mum is unfair etc, got a shitty letter back saying that it was stipulated that they need to protect my younger brother (don't know what from) and I've "buggered things up". Dad mentioned he would like to rebuild relationship but not sure how I can now.

So I'd like some opinions please, about where I go from here. Family are all sticking together and it's just all of them against me.

Your step mum is an idiot who needs to sort her life out. I'm a step mother- DSD's mother has made questionable choices in the past and I just smile sweetly and move on. Just live your life.

Opinion? Get counselling and explore why you’re so keen to let his shit into your life that you even moved to be near him. When a man doesn’t bother with his child for 17 years, well into their adulthood (so rules out difficult of parental alienation and access to children) I reckon the chance of them not being a waste of space is close to zero.
I’m sorry he’s so shit, but you can’t make him a better person and your energy is better spent elsewhere.

Forget it. It was your 'fault' in the past because DSM is taking out her dislike of DM on you, your dad has said you buggered everything up - bet he didn't say how but I assume by wanting a relationship with your half brother - it's still your fault and that's how they'll frame it.

You've tried. They don't really want to know. Sorry.

The problem here is that your dad is a shitty dad. He has abandoned you multiple times. It is shit, and you shouldn't have had to put up with it, but it is reality. He won't change. Don't spend your life chasing the scraps of affection he's willing to offer, so long as they don't interrupt his real life. Focus on your own family, and consider therapy to help process your poor experiences.

She is a bitch who has major issues.

But yabu to expect anyone to "stick up for you" . You have to live your own life. Move where you want, for you. Not anyone else.

Its horrible to have this done to you op but if I were you I would move on . If you cannot accept that they dont want to/won't tell the child it's best you leave them to it. You cant force them to change their minds.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.

The “stepmother” isn’t covering herself in glory here, but it’s dad who didn’t bother for 17 years, and it would have been longer (forever?) if OP hadn’t reached out. This is still her dad’s choice - that’s where I’d focus. I wouldn’t trust what he says about his wife.

I meant to add, this is equally your fathers doing as well. Not just the step mother.

Oh, and obviously none of this is your fault. It is all your dad's fault, actually, rather than his partners. He was the one who had a responsibility to you that he has spectacularly failed at.

If you would like a relationship with your brother, wait until he is 18 and then try to contact him.

Everything Testina says.

“As time moved on, me and partner moved closer to my family as we built up a fairly close relationship. But nobody was sticking up for me and saying that what step mum was doing was actually affecting me, keeping me from building a relationship with my brother. My dad said one day she will come round to the idea and a couple of years later, brother still doesn't know I exist. Me and family had big argument over this as I said I've basically moved under the impression I will build relationship with my dad and brother, nothing was progressing”

So who were you actually getting close to?

@Testina I build a relationship with Aunties and cousins, they all told me I was being treated unfairly. But noone said anything, which I get isn't their business to get involved in. Should of mentioned that, sorry!

@Testina there was a court order, a lot of damage was done what my mum had said about him being violent etc. No evidence was proven, I don't really have an opinion on if things happened or they didn't. My mum has a severe mental health problem, but that was part of the reason he didn't contact for 17 years.

Your mum may well be difficult, but she raised you single handed from the age of 8. Your dad is a waste of space.

Why does somebody have to be "in the wrong"? Families are difficult and we all make mistakes at some point. You can choose whatever you want to do or not do, as long as you realise that there can never be a guarantee of a happy ever after.

Tbh, it sounds like you're the only one with a brain here.
I feel so sorry for your little brother, he's going to wonder why this has been kept from him for years, when he DOES find out - and of course, he will, one way or another.
If it was me, I'd think well, they all know where to find me.. & then leave it until (maybe) they do.. I'm sorry. x

@mamabear715 i worry about my brother too and how it'll affect him, but I suppose he will probably be told lies about me when he does eventually find out! I hope he reaches out to me one day, thankyou for your kind comment

Bullshit.
I’m sorry, but it is.
Your mum having severe mental health issues would make it all the more reason why a decent father would fight to continue contact.
The reason he didn’t see you was because he’s a useless sack of shit that couldn’t be arsed.
That’s not your fault, and it’s not because of anything to do with you. Just read a few threads on here and you’ll see how common these useless of oxygen thief “fathers” these men are.

This is nothing to do with his wife; and everything to do with him. Forget talking to his family - talk to a counsellor. Never be so desperate for a family that you accept a shit family.

He’s a really shit dad.

He left his child in the sole care someone who has a severe mental health problem and cut all contact with that child.

He left someone with a severe mental health problem with the full responsibility for raising his child.

I don’t know why you’re angry with your step mum. I don’t think you should believe a word out of your dads mouth.

I’ve read about some shitty parents on here over the years but he is really up there.

I'm sorry your dad is shit. Contact the brother when he's an adult and you can build a relationship with him then. Meantime, if you have a nice friendship with aunts and cousins then you can keep that up regardless of your father.

Are you really sure your mum lied? Your dad was at least unreliable, no good father would leave a young child with a mentally unstable mother.

You are being treated as the scapegoat here by your father and stepmother. Dreadfully unfair and typical dysfunctional family dynamics. It's not uncommon for bystanders to not step up even though they know what's going on. It's to protect themselves in such a fragile set up.

The reality here is that you've been let down by both your parents because of their own issues and failings. No one seems to have felt protective of you or sought to do what's best for your development and interests. Again not uncommon in dysfunctional families.

I think therapy would be your friend here. To help you unravel these unhealthy relationships and come to terms with the 'family' you never had. I can totally understand your longing to be a part of something but unfortunately not everyone has that, including myself. Chasing something that others are unwilling/unable to give is very painful and self defeating. You have to grieve and come to terms with that. 💐

As for your step brother. You may not be able to do anything about it now because of his age but it won't be long before you can reach out to him and tell him the truth. Hopefully he won't have been influenced by his mother, who sounds just awful, prejudiced and unempathetic towards you. She will need a good explanation about why she has kept her son and you apart.

Your father abandoned you. When he had a second chance he chose to keep you as a secret. He did not have to respect his wife’s wishes on this issue. Denying reality that he has a child should be a complete non-starter.

it’s really awful, but he isn’t likely to ever be the father that you deserve. You are going to have to come to terms with that.

you aren’t alone. Many of us have problematic parents. We love them even as they hurt us again and again. healing requires accepting that you can’t change them and finding the self-awareness to learn to protect yourself emotionally.

How old was your brother when all of this was happening?

It would have been quite confusing for a young child who had no idea you existed, you suddenly be told he’s got a long lost sister that his parents lied to him about.

He should have been told but I can see why it would have been difficult finding the right time.

You are mad at your ‘step mum’ but actually it was your dad who kept you a secret from your own brother for years and he was the one who didn’t have s relationship with you.

It sounds like you had to reach out to him the first time and now you’ve done it again - why is he not making more of an effort?

I do think moving closer to him was a mistake and then moving away again, it’s obvious that you are desperate for a family but sometimes our family doesn’t feel the same way.

Let your dad make more of an effort with you. Stop contacting him.
You can reach out to your brother when he gets older.

Get counselling and explore why you’re so keen to let his shit into your life that you even moved to be near him. When a man doesn’t bother with his child for 17 years, well into their adulthood (so rules out difficult of parental alienation and access to children) I reckon the chance of them not being a waste of space is close to zero.

This. The moment he started lying to his son any hint that his absence might have been excusable by your mum's actions evaporated. He's not interested in prioritising either of his children's wellbeing over an easy life.

Real parents don't act like this. I'm sorry you've had such a shit deal with yours but don't think for a minute that this is normal.

Keep a relationship with other family, if you wish. Even see him if you want but understand that he wont change. Whatever you do, do it on your terms and with your own wellbeing in mind. You can write to your brother when he's older.

Somewhere at the back of your stepmother's mind will be a niggle of concern that, one day, your father will do to their son, what he's done to you. She doesn't want to get to know you because you're a reminder that the man she chose to have a child with - fucked off out of the life of a child he already had for 17 years, and only built a relationship with them (you) when they initiated contact. She's aware, I daresay, that the chances of history repeating itself, and her son being the confused, hurt, needy and abandoned child... are high. Did she know about you, before getting with your father? Because it sounds like she was unaware of his already having a child prior to the one they share.

Why needy? Because, @Halli2020 - you're actively jumping through hoop after hoop, desperately trying to get this poor excuse of a father's attention. And blaming yourself, or doubting your right to be angry and hurt by his blatant lack of care for you. Of course your brother ought to know about you - for his sake, just as much yours! How do his parents think he's going to feel when he does find out (and he will find out, one day) that he has an older sister who was keen to know him, to be a sibling to him? Hurt, angry, and he may never fully trust either of them again.

For your sake though, I think that you really do need to drop the rope completely for a while. Maybe send a postcard to your father saying that the ball's in his court, for your own mental health/well-being, you need to step away for a while, but that you look forward to hearing from in a little while... but that's about all he deserves. Probably not even that. But at least that'll keep a line of communication open for you (just be prepared for him to never be heard of/from again). But for your sake, you need to prioritise the relationships with the people you already know love you, and accept you for being who you are. No familial relationship ought to be built on lies and a lack of acceptance. Especially not that between a parent and child.

@contrary13 thankyou for your kind comment!! My step mum has known about me since I was born and used to look after me when I was a baby, as she was a lodger at my mum and dad's house when she was 17 - so you can guess what happened there, and now they're married!