Lone parenting

[hopeahead]

Posted here for traffic.
I'm just wondering if anyone can relate...
I have three children, no family, no support network.
Seven years ago ex walked away and decided he didn't want children anymore (at the time children were 9,6 and 3 - he wanted children I didn't) we got divorced which he seemed to find the process enjoyable.
I'm seven years in and everyday I count down the days till my children will leave home. I day dream about freedom and not having to revolve my life around them
I get fed up of people saying get yourself out there when the reality of the situation doesn't allow for that. I am one person with the responsibility of three children there is not enough of me to go round.
A good day for me is if I get left alone long enough to be able to watch one (one pathetic 45 mins) tv program straight through.
I work full time and all my money goes to providing.
Ex has never paid a penny in CM (according to my last discussion with CMS (some time ago now when they rang and said they were pursuing legal action) he feels that he doesn't have to contribute to his children because he doesn't see them 🤦🏻‍♀️)
I take my role as a mother seriously and put everything into bringing up these kids. But my god I can not wait for this to be over.
I am extremely resentful that I live in a world where children can get tossed aside and are left to suffer through no fault of their own and there are no consequences towards the people that do that.
I do my best not to compare my life to others and teach my children the same. It's probably this time of year that I find most difficult when everywhere you look you're having this happy family picture shoved down our throats and it makes my children feel bad about themselves.
Just wondering if anyone can relate or can give me words of wisdom from a shared experience!?

The happy family picture isn’t real though, my parents divorced in the 70’s before I’d started school, so I never had that.
So you’ve got two in high school now, and one in primary, so you’re getting there.
My oldest two have left home now and I hardly ever see them, and I miss them. Don’t wish your/their lives away too much.

Yes I can relate to this and understand. You're doing a great job. It's unfair and there's no recognition in society. Lone parents do so much, it's so hard, and only other lps really get it, especially ones with no family support. Christmas is hard on divorced people. Your ex has walked away from his responsibilities with seemingly no consequences. But, your kids will know it's you who stepped up. One day things will feel better. Also, I hope you get a massive payout from CMS- can you chase them up? Anyway, you are not alone

Thanks for responding.
I think that's exactly how I feel, completely alone.
All now are in senior school, but you have this cloud of dread that they're going to turn out ok.
On one hand I can't wait for them to move on and our time together is quality time (I have a really good relationship with all of them) but on the other hand I worry that I'm not doing enough to bridge that gap of being mum and dad.
It's just all feel really hard right now.

I dont have any words of wisdom but I do think you sound like a fucking amazing mother.
Your children are lucky to have you.

I have one but similar situation.

Do chase cms again..

My ds is now 15 . I can actually go out and enjoy myself. No need for babysitters.

I think all parents find the teen years a challenge.

Sounds like you are doing an amazing job but it has been a long road.

Yep, been there, doing that….also 3 children, also an ex who doesn’t contribute (although he sees them like clockwork). My eldest is now 18 and is talking about moving out - he is able to commute to uni from home so didn’t go but is obviously making friends and his life is changing….I have a dream for my old age to live abroad and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at property online, looked at job sites and quietly lived the dream. This was not the life I wanted and there is deeply ingrained anger and bitterness at how things have turned out. The system lets down women like us from a financial perspective and socially, it is next to near impossible to have a decent life because of the demands placed on you as a single parent. I have no support as I’m an only child and my parents are long gone. I work hard and earn OK but every penny is accounted for and in the current climate I am struggling.

Nothing but empathy, OP. As PP said, you’re not alone.

I count the days until mine go to uni / leave too. I never get a night off and work pt. It's tough.

I’m sorry your ex did this to you. I would call the CSA again even to get the minimum £7pw

your children are a gift and a blessing I hope they don’t feel your resentment

Yes almost identical to me, I’m a lone parent to 4 (including 2 with asd) no ex involvement at all and he doesn’t pay any maintenance at all either, no family help because “you chose to have them” so they refuse to help me at all, never have any time to myself ever, I am sick of people telling me it gets easier, I am 6 years in and no it doesn’t; my children’s sen means they get harder not easier as they get older (one isn’t in school as unable to attend) other single parents say they find it easier on their own which makes me feel bad for not feeling the same

Until you are in this situation you have no idea. It is relentless, you are just expected to keep up, there is no clocking off.
How easy is it to meet someone when you are solely responsible for your children and everything else in your life ? People are fond of making the stupidest comments on a daily basis with regards to how l live, but the plus side is your resilience and tolerance levels grow to an insane amount, Covid and cost of living has zero impact on my life.l already weathered so many other storms it's like l have become immune, l am fearless, if nothing else.
It does get easier OP ,hang on in there, l used to listen to Les Brown, T. D Jakes,.Tony Robinson, on youtube, some of the best speakers in the world, they helped me change my mindset/perspective.
Self care is critical, physically, mentally and emotionally. There is light at the end of that tunnell, you just have to try to make it brighter.
I am really proud of my two sons, and myself,.when my husband died suddenly l was petrified as to how l would manage, but as with so many lone parents with zero support you find a way.
Good luck to you and l hope life brings you nothing but kindness.

This does sound hard and it’s good to hear you get on well with each of your children. You are incredible and I hope one day soon you’ll find more time to yourself and be able to ease up a bit. Please continue to chase CMS - it’s outrageous you’re left to fund 3 children alone.

I am so sorry to read that your husband died that must feel so unfair this makes the shit faced fathers that waltz off on a jolly even more disgusting.

I do the same on a daily basis!!

Thanks all for replying. When I posted this morning I felt completely flat this evening I feel part of a gang!! 😃

I feel you!! I'm a single, lone parent to 4 children (2 teens and 2 early primary). Jesus Christ it's relentless. To other people, I can't even describe the stress and tiredness that overwhelms me at times (not that you can succumb to it when you're the only person raising the kids!).

This week was tough, one of the kids needed to go to the doctors but I had a really important meeting bang in the middle of "the only appointment" for that day. It's stuff like that where you miss having the support for. Or when one of the little kids had a leading role in the nativity, I feel bad that there's only me to see it. Shopping for and then wrapping presents is also extremely difficult. I had a half day off work last week but ended up with the worst migraine so didn't get much done.

I'm also feeling waiting for the little 2 to grow a bit older and more independent but I also know I'll miss them being small. I love being alone, I love the quiet but I do know once they've all left home that I'll miss the chaos and noise (at times!)

Yep, I'm feeling like a shit parent this evening. Am starting a new job tomorrow and I'm missing my 6 year olds first nativity. Grandparents are meant to be covering for me at the nativity but my 3 year old is ill and unlikely to be able to go to nursery tomorrow so I'm having to rely on them to fill in for me for both children.

Kids dad gets away with paying zero maintenance 😡

My mother was a lone parent. She sacrificed her whole life for her children, but now in her old age, she is well looked after and never alone. I would say she has a much better quality of life than other parents whose children aren't as close to their mum, and also being a lone parent means she is part of her adult children's lives in a more integrated way than a married couple would be.

It might be the case that you come out the other end with a wonderful supportive family and you will live your best years when you have retired.

@Plmoknijb123 this was lovely to read and nice to hear from the 'child' point of view.

in a slightly similar situation as a LP without family nearby and ex does next to nothing to help nor does he give us cash. I do have the one only, since birth we've had no support. So I can really empathise how tough you have it with three children! Sometimes I think the only way is through, there's not necessarily an easy way to deal with it but to try to do everything you can that will make your life a bit easier, e.g. don't hold back if you need a tumble dryer or anything in a similar vein that can help a little. Just focus on the small improvements that can help you do things a little easier one step at a time. Once your smallest goes to school, which is not too far off now, things will get that bit easier and when they're all age 7 and upwards (again not too far off) you will feel like you have a bit more of a life again. Kudos to you for doing an amazing job! I know how miserable and lonely and exhausting it can be. But you will be stronger for it in the long run!! And, go easy on yourself - if that means more days in front of the TV in pyjamas so be it! Don't run yourself ragged trying to be the perfect parent, tidy house, kiddy crafts every day etc are unnecessary - as a lone parent without support it just isn't possible, and being good enough is good enough. Give yourself lots of slack.

I'm sorry OP, I misread your original post, I realise the kids are a bit older now. I hope you are roping them into help you a bit!!! Hang in there and use video games as a great distraction and bribery tool (if you don't already). No shame in it! lol.

This is such a helpful thread. I realise it's about six months old but I'm in a very similar position to everyone here and found this thread on a particularly difficult day in negotiating the relentless onslaught of truly lone parenting.
Just wondered if anyone is still here and hoping that you have found some light during the journey through the tunnel :)

You're not alone OP. Can I join the gang too please?

11 years in and I too am struggling with the relentlessness and loneliness of lone parenting. I'm sorry that others are in the same situation.

I like the advice on here about self care, lowering standards, small changes to improve everyday life and changing mindset (though the last one will take a lot of work for me I think)

Hello @TimeSlipMushroom 👋

I'm 11 years in too!! My children are early teens now and their Dad lives abroad with no contact or maintenance. Sadly I also don't have parents or family involved. I completely agree with some of the posters who say that it all makes you mega resilient. I am indeed super strong but sometimes it's the simplest things that get to you. Today was one of those days when I almost had to cancel a medical diagnostic test for the fourth time as a friend pulled out of taking me there at the last minute. Thankfully after much stress another friend stepped in and fingers crossed I will get it done on Monday.

When things like this happen it makes me painfully aware of what a tightrope this whole existence is. No-one gets it unless they've been there. Sending hugs x

@Mumtolittleorange I feel for you. Medical tests are stressful enough without the complete inability to go to one. I remember dumping my toddler on a neighbour to save cancelling a smear test for the third time running for similar reason. (He was fine and ate chocolate buttons). I still remember the utter frustration of such a simple issue being so complicated. Times this by a thousand small issues and it's like fighting a war!