To leave DP with abusive DD

[Blossomgirl3]

My dp and I have held onto a long distance relationship for 5 years. It's a complex situation his end as his ex partner died just under 5 years ago, he moved into the exs home as they had arranged, and now their dd is now 18. I have always been in the background for obvious reasons. The dynamic at their home has always been heavily influenced by supporting the loss and grief process and making space for them. She is very demanding too and has been spoiled. At one point it was taxis everywhere and no spend limit. Now she has a live-in boyfriend. During lockdown she was violent regularly and continues to belittle and threaten her dad, when the bf came into the scene the violence stopped but this past week a huge incident happened when dd was violent towards bf at the home when drunk. I now learn dd regularly slaps bf. I knew she is always shouting and that they walk on egg shells. Lots besides, these are just the main events.

Thing is for me, I was supported greatly out of an abusive relationship so know first hand how the decline into accepting abuse works and how blind and helpless it feels on a day to day basis.

Now dd has them both and the decline is obvious this week as the acceptance of what happened (her abh to bf) is starting to assimilate - she was drunk, it's been ages etc. I'm on the end of the phone constantly to dp.

And I've reached a point where I feel unable to support him, I'm out of my depth after all these years. Dp is also drinking I can hear the sounds and that it's getting earlier and earlier in the day. I have my own home and two teenagers.

This could potentially go on for years. Our plans to live together when 'dd was old enough and capable' are just impossible to imagine now.

We have always been wonderful in the time we do get together but I'm losing him piece by piece.

I'm able to see this as the domestic abuse it is but because they're men and in it they can't see it. I'm worried and paralysed and can't relive this horror of an abusive relationship. I can't go up there guns blazing and each day I am a little less present here for my children.

AIBU to say it's too much and walk away. I have said I will 100% help in any way to leave but that I can't keep up the one-woman support while it's so blatantly dangerous and damaging.

Thank you so much for reading. Any thoughts welcome x

You need to put yourself and your kids first, OP.

It sounds so toxic and draining for you, as well as triggering. Easy for me to say, but I'd walk away from your DP.

YANBU. Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. You did so well to leave your abusive relationship, you don't need to be on the sidelines of another. This is for DP to sort.

I think you should cut ties & leave. You're right when you say it will be years, it would be forever.
Think of your own mental health & your own family. It sounds like you've all been through a lot & coping with this is too much.

Not sure what you're asking really.

Your dp and the daughter's partner need to support each other in making an intervention with his dd. The drinking (both of them) sounds extremely scary.

What you can do from a distance? I've no idea. But please don't spend so much time on the phone listening to his problems that you neglect your own life and your own children.

If you offer endless support you'll enable him to carry on living with the situation. It sounds like something drastic needs to happen.

Thank you for your kind and candid thoughts.

As you can imagine there's a lot of recalibration around a grieving child, now 18 and your comments are helpful because I'm clearly caught up deeper than I realise.

For sure - seeking support to put my own family first is rather telling.

Really appreciate the feedback x

Can you report the dd to the police anonymously and say that she is the domestic abuser?

Your dp also has agency. His dd was about 13 when her mum died. It sounds a though she needed more support than she received. The escalating violence was a cry for help and he should have got a teen / child psychologist involved instead of paying for endless taxis. Instead, it reads as though he buried his head in the sand and turned to drink. It doesn’t sound as if you are in a position to support him at all. So yes, please look after you and your family, without guilt.

You.know, there was a case in 2020 where law designed to protect, usually, women from coercive and abusive behaviour was used on an adult child? This sounds quite similar. And she could and probably should be dealt eith in law as well.
S 76 of the Serious Crime Act since 2015 Iirc. R v Hazell?

As with abused women, you can't do anything with these men. You can tell them, send them links to help and then put yourself and your kids first and keep safe. That's it.

mensadviceline.org.uk/

I don't think there's much you can do until they accept that they are being abused. Could you (or course, ideally they) contact the above DA line - they may be able to help you with ways to persuade your DP and the BF that this isn't acceptable.