To not want to move

Mistletoemisery · 2022-12-10T22:31:52+00:00

Moved out of London to the suburbs 2 years ago. My parents live really close now which is great. DH wants to move again. Says he’s never felt settled here and hates the feeling of living in the London commuter belt. Because of the proximity to London we have a big mortgage and neither of us like our jobs. He argues that if we moved way out - Manchester, Leeds etc we’d be able to get a smaller mortgage and either work less, lower paid less demanding jobs or retire early. my difficulties with this are…. I have settled and made friends here; the kids are really settled and we love seeing loads of their grandparents; I think our issues with not loving work will probably follow us wherever we go (mine definitely stem from anxiety); we’d be moving far away from family. he accepts that I really don’t want to move but wants me to consider it. What do you do when one of you wants to move and the other really doesn’t?

stonebrambleboy · 10/12/2022 22:51

I've been there, honestly if you and the kids are settled then don't move.
He's asked you to consider it, so do that and then stay put.

Travis1 · 10/12/2022 22:59

Pro/con list?

Original poster

Mistletoemisery · 10/12/2022 23:04

Travis1 · 10/12/2022 22:59

Pro/con list?

Gone through pros and cons with him, I think the difficulty is that we give different ‘weight’ to different things. E.g being close to family is really important to me but less so for him whereas living somewhere with less traffic is something he really wants but I couldn’t care less about it.

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Lovetok · 10/12/2022 23:08

DH has said the same to me so many times. I could’ve written your post. When I point out that we’d have no childcare whatsoever if we moved (my family regularly have the DC overnight) then he backs down. And I absolutely will not move away from my elderly mum.
He often tells me how unhappy he is though. But I think he’s depressed and I’m trying to get him to get help for that.
Tricky situation OP.

Travis1 · 10/12/2022 23:11

Mistletoemisery · 10/12/2022 23:04

Gone through pros and cons with him, I think the difficulty is that we give different ‘weight’ to different things. E.g being close to family is really important to me but less so for him whereas living somewhere with less traffic is something he really wants but I couldn’t care less about it.

Show quote history

Do you use family for childcare? What’s your husbands contingency plan if something happened and you needed support and were miles away from anyone? How does the traffic affect day to day life? Is he losing hours to
traffic jams everyday?

Original poster

Mistletoemisery · 10/12/2022 23:12

Thanks @Lovetok nice to hear others have similar issues. I have suggested to him that our problems will most likely follow us. He always said he wasn’t settled in our last place in London too. He’s now saying that he’d feel unsettled anywhere that’s near London: I suggested gently that it might not be to do with location but he’s convinced that a move away from the south east will solve everything. I’m less convinced.

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Dittosaw · 10/12/2022 23:14

Well firstly he would need to strongly research where he would move to and why, what jobs are available and draw up a five year plan. He would need to spend time there go out at night meet a few people etc.

Imagining what somewhere is like is very different to living there.

My aunt moved to be with her husband, he left her shortly after (before benefits were a thing) so she had to work two jobs and never got time away from the kids as he didn’t bother with them. So she had never truly felt happy in this place, she it was just a place where she had to work very hard and look after her kids, she didn’t have any time to build a life for herself. Consequently, when the kids got older she moved to somewhere where she felt happier, met someone and married again. She is still very close to the kids.

The reason for that anecdote is that I see parallels with your husband - the hard work, no time to build a life and friends. Are decisions made 50/50 in your family. Does he resent your parents and feel outnumbered?

Original poster

Mistletoemisery · 10/12/2022 23:17

Travis1 · 10/12/2022 23:11

Do you use family for childcare? What’s your husbands contingency plan if something happened and you needed support and were miles away from anyone? How does the traffic affect day to day life? Is he losing hours to
traffic jams everyday?

Show quote history

Yes we use my parents for childcare but he’s said if we live somewhere cheaper then I could work less which would negate the need for childcare (I’d be totally up for less time at work and more time with the kids!) Traffic really doesn’t impact us (other than DH constant moaning about it!) he walks to the station and I can walk to work and we walk for the school drop offs. There is a lot of traffic round here and it can mean your walking the kids along busy roads but we aren’t stuck in traffic jams for hours on a commute…

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Original poster

Mistletoemisery · 10/12/2022 23:20

Dittosaw · 10/12/2022 23:14

Well firstly he would need to strongly research where he would move to and why, what jobs are available and draw up a five year plan. He would need to spend time there go out at night meet a few people etc.

Imagining what somewhere is like is very different to living there.

My aunt moved to be with her husband, he left her shortly after (before benefits were a thing) so she had to work two jobs and never got time away from the kids as he didn’t bother with them. So she had never truly felt happy in this place, she it was just a place where she had to work very hard and look after her kids, she didn’t have any time to build a life for herself. Consequently, when the kids got older she moved to somewhere where she felt happier, met someone and married again. She is still very close to the kids.

The reason for that anecdote is that I see parallels with your husband - the hard work, no time to build a life and friends. Are decisions made 50/50 in your family. Does he resent your parents and feel outnumbered?

@Dittosaw you are right - I think he is ‘imaging’ a better life without researching so I will suggest he puts a bit of research into it but I’m a bit scared to suggest that incase he finds somewhere he really gets set on!!!! We do tend to decide things 50/50 which is why we are going and front on this as we can’t agree. He likes having my parents nearby and has a good relationship with them so I do t think that is a problem.

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Original poster

Mistletoemisery · 10/12/2022 23:21

Sorry terrible typos in that! I meant say ‘toing and froing’

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JonahAndTheSnail · 10/12/2022 23:24

I think I would arrange a long weekend trip to Leeds or Manchester sometime so he can get a glimpse of the reality. There may be less traffic, but the bus and train services are pretty basic in many of the affordable suburbs (Sunday services are particularly limiting). Personally I wouldn't want to live in London and commit to paying a hefty mortgage for the entirety of my working life. However, whilst you have (presumably youngish) children at home and family and friends around you I feel like you take the good with the bad.

Spaghetti201 · 10/12/2022 23:28

My friends husband was like this, they are on their 4th move (one of them was even abroad). Eventually he went to therapy and worked through his feelings of “not belonging” anywhere. I know it’s a bit of a cliche but does your husband have childhood issues?

Original poster

Mistletoemisery · 10/12/2022 23:33

@Spaghetti201 id be up for a move abroad - that’d be an adventure at least! I just don’t want to move miles away from friends and family to find that he still feels unsettled and I still have anxiety: new front door same old shit. Your friend did well to do it 4 times before she said enough enough!

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Enko · 10/12/2022 23:42

would you be up for marriage counselling? it sounds to me like you are talking cross each other in the eagerness to get your point heard. So like you say he wants x I want y in marriage counselling you would get someone to support you to find out what do " you want as a couple" what is important to " us" and once that is sorted perhaps dh will work out its not a move he needs its something else?

Kennykenkencat · 19/01/2023 15:13

Friends had this discussion 20 years ago.

Except they were going back north because that was closer to family.

They looked at the house prices and decided that it was cheaper to stay.

Yes houses are cheaper in certain places but realistically if you are going to live somewhere you don’t want to be, you are going to want better than you have now and in a really nice neighbourhood and when you start to look at those type of houses you can’t afford to move.

I grew up in the North. The so called much cheaper area and when I arrived in London I found the price of property was cheaper in London than in my town in the north.
I have also lived for 12 years in an area where I didn’t want to be.

I had a nervous breakdown and ended up unable to work I was so depressed.
In the end we moved back to London worse off than we had ever been and I was over joyed to be out of that place.

Once we had settled down we found it so much cheaper back in London than the “cheaper” place we had lived.

Just because you have a lesser mortgage, doesn’t mean to say you are going to save money on other things.

When we lived in the cheaper area things like travel costs, council tax, water bills and insurance were much dearer than London house and a lot of the other bills stayed the same
Wr ended up saving £250/month just by living in London.