To need some support through divorce

[StarGazingGirl]

Having a bad day. Following years of what I think may have been emotional abuse I am getting divorced, but still in the same home. He ignores me completely even in front of the DC (primary school age). He will sometimes reply to emails but takes forever, e.g. he hasn’t responded about a timetable for childcare over the christmas holidays that i sent 3 weeks ago. I have started court proceedings as it has been impossible to agree anything (mainly because he wonmt engage).

I’m finding it so hard. It’s impossible to plan things with and without the DC. The silence makes me want to scream (but I don’t) and I keep completely doubting myself that he was abusive and wondering if I deserve this. Surely one gets the silent treatment for a year unless they are awful? So maybe it was me?

I’m struggling today. Any words of wisdom?

Hopeful bump

It’s not you op. You know why you are going through with the divorce and being in this really awkward position of living together isn’t good for anyone. Have you tried asking him to leave? Surely he can see by staying there it’s more confusing for the children too. I don’t have any advice but didn’t want to leave you hanging. Just don’t ever doing yourself nobody would go through a divorce unless the needed to. 💐

I'm sorry OP. Have you discussed how you plan to live apart, or won't he even engage with that?

I promise you it will be okay. I've been through this and it does get better. In a few years you will look back and think 'wow I can't believe I managed to cope with that' but you will! One day at a time x

This sounds so hard, particularly living together. Is there anyone in RL you can turn to? Any family nearby? Also you could call Women’s Aid for advice?

It’s not you, and you don’t deserve this. You deserve and need support.

Sending you strength OP. I’m in a similar position although have a rental I’m getting ready to move into with the kids.
We’re completely unable to discuss childcare arrangements or money stuff.
we can’t discuss anything but then that’s partly why I’m doing this.
but I totally know what you mean about doubting and questioning yourself. I feel so sick about this massive thing I’m doing/have done and whether it’s the right thing for the children. But when he’s not here I feel such a lightness that I know we’ll be ok.
the finances of renting terrify me but he wouldn’t move out and I can’t carry on living together as he basically refuses to separate - refuses to give the kids and I time by ourselves and won’t take responsibility for them by himself. He just wants to be altogether all the time which is suffocating and hugely ironic given how disinterested he was before.

it sounds like you have been really brave and done amazingly to get to this point; it’s not you, it’s him. He is an arse and that’s why you’re doing this. 💐

You need to learn to talk

It takes two to talk

He won’t leave. He’s said he wants the house (without paying me anything) so that’s one of the reasons why I’ve had to go to court.

I’ve been advised not to leave because he’ll make it so difficult to sell the house if I do. I pay 80% of the mortgage/bills so would be difficult to afford to move out whilst I’m still on the hook for those…

He also hasn’t engaged about child custody so I don’t feel I can leave until that is sorted…

How? I feel like I’ve tried everything.

Thank you to those who have been through/are going through similar. It means a lot. I also have support from Women’s Aid and family but I’m still stuck and conscious I’ve been leaning on them so much over the last year.

Do the kids want to see him?
To ignore you in front of them is so awful, how could he. He's pathetic

Is your name on the mortgage?
If yes that might give you some flexibility for having nights out of the house.

My exh and I basically kept the children in the home but took turns (me 2 nights a week and him the rest) staying out at family's houses.
I think it's called birdnesting? Anyway it was a temporary solution but was much better than trying to all live under one roof. The silent treatment must be awful.

I took up weights at the gym which was a great help in providing a physical outlet for my frustration and rage. Plus had the added bonus it making me feel better about myself. If he's going to be there at the house you might as well make use of the freedom and it would be a nice escape.

I recommend AirPods or small ear buds as well and listen to podcasts/music/audio books while going about your day if the dc aren't there or in bed and he's ignoring you, it will help stop it feeling so silent and if you're anything like me it helps keep you out of your own head too much.

Hugs op I absolutely promise things will get better.

Keep going OP, keep your faith stronger than your doubts and fears, because so easy to cling to familiarity even when it's no good for us. Remember that the situation your in now is temporary and your future self will thank you for staying so brave and strong.
Others would have took the easier route by burying their heads in the sand so as not to rock the boat.
Do not let your husband's silence disturb you, if that's his way of dealing with it so be it.
One of the best things about living alone is your not subject to your partner's moods, issues etc.
No walking on eggshells, no accountability.
No woman walks out on a long term relationship lightly esp if children involved. Some relationships just come to a natural end,.doesn't mean it was a mistake, it felt right at the time. Respect yourself for knowing when to draw the line and having the courage to start afresh.