To have woke him up

[CPmadness]

Me and DH been on the rocks for a while- finished counselling in the summer and was fairly positive outcome - just to give you some background .

DH has been on late shifts this week (was off Tuesday and Wednesday) and has his last late shift tonight before 3 weeks off from tomorrow

Due to the timing of his shifts I've been 100% dealing with the kids, school runs , dinners , bedtimes, and my own 30hr week job too

This morning I wanted to exercise in our garage which is below the room he was sleeping in

I was up with DC since 6am , I checked door bell cam and saw that he got home at 2325- calculated that reasonably he would be in bed by 0100 so thought that 0900 would be an okay time for me to use the garage

DC come in with me as they like to 'exercise ' alongside me.

Got out of the garage 40 mins later and he was up and went mental saying can I not use that room when hes asleep above blah blah

Then started having a go at DD about the missing remote. I stuck up for her and it ended with shouting

I took kids out as planned today and got texts from him saying it's his decision when he wakes up not mine and I'm ignorant and selfish

Got home and he left for work without saying bye which led to me spending an hour comforting DD as she was upset about it

AIbU to have exercised at 0900 subsequently waking him up?

got texts from him saying it's his decision when he wakes up not mine

I'd be tempted to reply "in that case what's the problem?" but that wouldn't help de-escalate.

Well he sounds delightful!

As a pp said, I'm sure it wasn't your decision to wake up at 6am but you didn't shout and throw a tantrum at your dc for it.

I'm presuming he'll take over getting up with the dc when he's off and you have to go into work

You need a chat to work out timings of exercise etc and you need to make sure you get equal leisure and rest time.

Those saying OP should have given him 9 hours - how many parents of young kids would get 9 hours sleep as standard?

So will he be getting up for the DC in his 3 weeks off?

I'd like to think so but from experience it is unlikely . He goes to bed later than me when hes off and usually has a drink. 95% of the time I'm up with the DC before him. And he has the cheek to complain hes tired.
I get up with the DC when I work when hes off and 9/10 have sorted breakfast and got them dressed before he gets up. Might only be 30 mins later but it takes its toll

No, he's a dick. Selfish twat.

Will he be looking after the Dc for the next three weeks?? I hope so.

Op, then you need to set out your expectations. He should be getting up each day if you're are working. Why does he think it's fair not to?

But that's going by the OPs guess that her husband went to bed 90 mins after getting home from work? How many people go to bed that soon after work? I know I don't. There's always this weird thing on MN where people who work late or night shifts are expected to come home, eat dinner and within 1 hour go to bed. It's bizarre.

I never understand these threads, he got home at 23:25 why would he be in bed 2 hours later? Do you get home at 5 and go to bed at 6:30 ? I would expect he would go to bed around 5am so completely understandable he was annoyed to be woken 4 hours later. But you should discuss this, you have to all live together. My dad did nights and we were not allowed to make a sound until 2pm which I think is reasonable. He then got up and went to work much as we would get up at 7am to go to school. Mutual respect is required.

I think YABU. You knew it would probably wake him up but it seems you decided he'd had enough sleep time by then so tough luck on him. All sounds very passive aggressive rather than sitting down and having an adult conversation with him about not pulling his weight (in your opinion).

YABU. Especially if he's back at work tonight. That'd be the same as you working 10-4 and him starting doing weights at midnight.

You knew using the garage would disturb him but rather than just waiting until he was awake, you just decided on an arbitrary time you thought he should be up and got started? You knew he was still asleep presumably and that you were likely to wake him!

Sorry I'm with your DH.

You've just been to counselling so should likely know you should be communicating better. If you think he should be up earlier because you need more support then talk to him about it and agree a time. Don't just decide for him.

Regardless of whether you were in the wrong for waking him up or not, it wasn't DD's fault and for him to ignore her and upset her is just a twatty move. This would be my biggest issue in this situation, kids should not bear the brunt of parents' disputes.

I agree with this and on reflection, whilst my motives were not malicious, they were done without consideration.

However I don't bully the kids for waking me up every single day of my life whether I'm at work or not or on a day or night shift. Granted I'm not over the moon most mornings until I've had a coffee 😹 but he was mean

He sounds most unpleasant.

Your poor daughter.

No man would ever get away treating my child like that.

Completely unnecessary.

Gosh, I think you’re a hero. The way you describe yourself. How much you do to and the consideration you have, you’re fabulous. I don’t understand his issue. Tell him like you told us. He won’t fail to see how wonderful you are. It’s astonishing.you’re so so selfless. Go you . 💐

This explains it. Your dad did fuck all parenting so you believe this to be the standard. It really isnt.

Hilarious

He needs to sort out ear plugs etc. The whole family shouldn't have to put their lives on hold so he can get his beauty sleep.

Very similar in my house when I was growing up dad would do a month of nights
i didn’t see that as doing fuck all parenting to me it was my dad doing what he had to to finically support the family but each to there own
I've done late shifts and can’t finish in the early hours then go straight to bed needed a couple of hours to wind down before going to bed

Just wondering if you have children and work shifts?

My husband and I both work shifts with a little one - if we're on lates we go to bed fairly soon after we get in because we know we're going to have to be up with the little one. On the odd occasion we stay up later we accept we probably won't get as much sleep.

OP I don't think you did anything wrong, you assumed he'd had 8 hours. You were taking the children out, if he hadn't he could have gone back to bed after you'd left.

My DH does shifts like your DH and tbh I wouldn't have exercised at that time unless I knew he was up or already awake because sometimes he doesn't sleep well.

I also used to work shifts so know how badly it can affect your sleep.

I think you were a inconsiderate to exercise knowing he was still in bed. But saying that, it wasn't like you were exercising at 6am and he was being a twat to take out his irritation on your DD. So slightly on the fence here.

But one of the reasons I stopped shifts was because it was affecting my health and well being so I do sympathise with him and remember well how cross and irritated poor sleep can make you.

He is the one who is ignorant and selfish. It is not his decision when to wake up with he is married and is a father and has responsibilities. That he expects you to get up when you have to, but he gets to choose, shows how selfish he is. I would put it to him that way. He is no longer a bachelor with no responsibilities. He is living like he is and has the mentality that he can wake and sleep like he is.