to not have assumed I was invited to work Xmas party

[fina22]

My employer throws a big Xmas party at a hotel in a big city every year historically, but this is the first year I would have gone to this venue as it wasn’t held there during pandemic (so the last time they went to this venue was 2019). People car share and stay over in the hotel.

Last year we went to a local venue and everyone was emailed with an invite in October and told exactly when, where it was, what the dress code was, and who was booking taxis.

This year I was expecting the same kind of invite. It got to early November and a manager emailed everyone in the office (about 20 staff), minus the people who never go to socials, to let us know what hotel to book but no date etc. I heard through the grapevine what date it was going to be but it was all a bit vague so I decided to wait for the invite to confirm what was happening. This manager had already booked her room at this point.

The invite never came and it’s messed with my head as I found out last week that the director has been asking certain people whether they’re coming and has told them all the details (time, dress code, plus ones, etc) but I have heard absolutely nothing more about it. To be honest it’s hurt my feelings so I decided I won’t bother, I feel like if they wanted me there they would have invited me. Another colleague (who to be fair never goes to parties) had a rant to me that ‘they’ve invited the people they want there’.

Yesterday my manager told me I need to let the director (my boss) know I’m not going as they’ve bought me a ticket and they might want me to pay for it if I’m not going. No idea if they’ve also bought DP a ticket. What the heck?

AIBU to be bent out of shape about this? While I was waiting for an invite it feels like certain people have arranged everything on the quiet. Maybe they’re trying to keep numbers down to save costs? Bad communication? I have no idea why I wouldn’t be invited as I normally go to things, so bit worried about that too. My boss has spoken to the new hire to invite her.

Should I have just assumed I was invited, as my boss seems to have expected me to? Maybe this is my fault but the whole situation feels awkward.

It’s odd that when you got the email from your manager telling you to book a hotel, you didn’t say ‘What date?’

Why haven’t you chased an invite?

Very weird. They should email everyone, even those that don’t normally go. Excluding people is very wrong imo but as they exclude people I wouldn’t assume I was invited in your shoes. I also wouldn’t be paying for a ticket, that’s on them for not sending the invite.

Maybe there has been a mis communication somewhere? Like, your name was accidentally missed off the email, or someone was supposed to invite you but they forgot /assumed someone else had.

If they have intentionally not invited you, I'm pretty sure this counts as workplace bullying/harassment. I had to do a training course through about discrimination in the workplace, and they used work socials as examples. It's a grey area, but even if it's just a group of colleagues down the pub, it's seen as bullying and possibly discrimination to not open the invite to the team.

You were clearly invited, you just didn’t want to go

If you wanted to go you'd have asked for the details.

It’s very odd not to realise you’d just been left of the email list OP. Are you m normally this paranoid?

How can they say they've invited you if they haven't told you:

1. Date and time;
2. Venue;
3. Dress code.

Saying "There's a party on xx date" and leaving it at that is not an invitation.

See also multiple wedding threads thru the years.

All the best op

If you had heard it being talked about why didn’t you ask what the details are?

Also is it the norm that partners come to your work Christmas parties? I would think it’s odd that you are wondering if your DH is invited but then I have never worked somewhere that partners are invited too (thank goodness!)

So weirded presuming you’d need to be invited

surely work dos are open to everyone?

sound like you’re being petty to prove a point

a normal reaction is to as for details - unless it’s invite only which is bad form for any workplace xmas event

That's not really how invites work, is it?!

It sounds like poor communication.

When you got the notice about the hotel, it should have been clear to you something must have gone wrong with the main mailing list. In any case, nothing would have been easier than to follow up with a question about missing details. YABVVU and I really don't understand your stance. Speaking as somebody who's not usually the centre of social activities.

There are some people that they haven’t bought a ticket for, and given that the boss has spoken to most people but not me about it then I assumed I’d not been invited either. I’d feel awkward asking for an invite in this situation

This is really odd. It's a work do, all staff should be invited.

All staff should be sent the same email (regardless if they 'usually attend'). Date, time and place given and a date for rsvp. All staff who rsvp should then be given a ticket. Anything else is discrimination.

I'd be considering if I wanted to continue working for this company.

I am very confused by this situation...

Your boss throws some kind of work related party every year, doesn't invite everyone, doesn't send out invites with notice and expects people to pay if they don't come even when not formally invited?

This is a bizarre situation, if your boss is throwing a party everyone should be invited, how awful to assume certain people wouldn't come so not even bother to invite them.

And for those that are invited but without any advance warning, clearly your boss doesn't respect your time.

Honestly OP, this was really unnecessary angst and grief. When you were emailed the hotel details why on earth didn’t reply back to your boss that you didn’t get the invite/details could they send them to you.

You had multiple opportunities to ask someone. But instead you’ve assumed you weren’t invited?! Unless there is a massive drip feed coming, that is ridiculous and very bizarre on your part.

Why did they exclude anyone that don’t do socials? What a weird set up to not invite everyone. You’d be surprised that some that don’t usually go yo do’s will go to a Christmas one.
Go yo your manager and bring it up. ‘I wasn’t invited and neither was X colleague, is there a reason for this?’
Sounds like they’ve dropped the ball and made a stupid decision.

This is all just strangely passive.

It's a work Xmas do, if you haven't had the details then you ask surely??

Open copy email to boss/manager and MD

" DH and I were not invited to the Christmas do. Now I've been told that because I didn;t respond to an invitation I didnt receive, I might be charged for the hospitality we won't recieve.

Clearly someone has made a mistake, I just want to clarify it wasnt me, and I will NOT be paying.

Then you haven’t been invited so there’s no issue with not going.

If the boss then does say ‘I bought you a ticket why aren’t you coming?’ you can politely explain there seems to have been a miscommunication and you didn’t get an invite.