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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hungover - how long??

20 replies

LovingLifesHurdles · 10/12/2022 13:28

If you're a parent with young kids, how long do you expect your other half to cover for you the day after a big night out? Do you expect to be child free all day? Sleep until lunch or whatever time you fancy?

I get SO fed up with DH not getting up, moping around, cancelling plans and generally feeling sorry for himself all day. Perhaps I'm being unreasonable though because although I drink when out with friends I don't drink enough to get a serious hangover and I'm never in bed past 10, and I wouldn't dream of cancelling plans with DC because of it. FWIW I usually try to dissuade DH from making plans for the next day because I know what's going to happen but he always insists it will be fine.

YABU being hungover means it's fine to opt out of any (self) planned activities and parenting for the day.

YANBU if you have kids you have to get your act together, get up at some point in the morning and stick to any plans you made.

OP posts:

SnoozyLucy7 · 10/12/2022 13:36

Once you have kids, you can’t really have both because it’s not sustainable. Now, even if DP partner or myself do end up with a hangover we just get up normally the next and carry on, otherwise it’s absolutely not fair on the kids and other partner, even if we feel utterly rubbish. I guess occasionally, with full agreement from your partner, everyone deserves a lie on, alcohol induced or not. But to do it all the time is unfair.

mac1974 · 10/12/2022 13:40

Hmmmm depends. To be honest my DH and I don't go out that much so if I know it's going to be a big night I write the next day off for him & he does the same if I go out. Next fri is his Xmas do and I have very low expectations that he will be up to much the next day especially as our youngest has footy at 9am! If it was a regular thing then that would be different & would piss me off.

Puppypads · 10/12/2022 13:47

OP my ex husband was like this. I learned to assume he was not available at all the day after a bender. We are now divorced. This is a major reason why.

VioletLemon · 10/12/2022 13:49

It depends on if you both do the same for the tired or hungover partner.

If my DH was consistently on the hang and mopey, lazy, changing plans it would be unacceptable and merit serious talk. Either talk about the way he parents and partners as it doesn't sound very equal. Is he a man child type? If so establish new, clear boundaries around what you accept. If its been enabled he's probably just gradually got worse. It needs to change or you're going to be feeling put upon for a long time.

Maybe discuss the impact his drinking is having on you as a family. If he can't cope with the hang he's drinking too much or alcohol isn't for him.

You're not being unreasonable to expect better.

Lkydfju · 10/12/2022 13:57

I go out with my friends about every 3 months and will agree with DH I can lie in the next day but that’s not any later than 10am and Sunday is my lie in day anyway.
If DH goes out I give him a lie in but certainly not all day without kids and I’d be fuming if he had to cancel plans with them

Lkydfju · 10/12/2022 13:58

I’ve always been someone who thinks that it’s better to get up and out with a hangover though rather than lie around feeling sorry for myself as i think that makes it worse

DrManhattan · 10/12/2022 13:59

I used to write off full weekends due to drinking. Cancelling plans, letting people down. I was rubbish and I have stopped drinking for a number of years now. Best thing I did. Some people drink to excess and when it starts to impact other people (your kids for example) it's not on. He should drink to his limit rather than make himself unable to function the next day.

takealettermsjones · 10/12/2022 14:01

You just get up and get on with it 😂

DH and I have sometimes let each other lie in after a party etc, but the key points are that those times don't happen very often at all and we are happy to reciprocate for each other.

How would your DH respond if you asked for a free morning (not necessarily hungover, just to return the favour to you)?

Matilda15 · 10/12/2022 14:04

I think it depends how often it happens and if it’s reciprocated.

I don’t mind DP writing off a few mornings a year after a night out as he does the same for me, if it was happening every few weeks and whole days being cancelled I wouldn’t be happy.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/12/2022 14:10

When you have kids the idea of writing off entire days is gone. It's not so much what time you should wake up the next day but more don't drink to the point where you'll be dysfunctional the following day. Apart from anything else looking after children with a hangover is a terrible experience for all. The issue is your husbands lack of respect for the family - expecting you to deal with things because he's feeling 'rough'. The only reason he can act like this is because he knows you'll be there to pick up the slack. You're not the fun police and don't get drawn into any arguments predicated on "why are you moaning at me having a good time! Can I never go out!" and so forth.

Merryoldgoat · 10/12/2022 14:13

Well if I have a big night out I expect DH to manage kids all the next day and vice versa.

BUT it happens around 3/4 times a year and therefore not at all regular.

If it was more than once a month I’d be extremely unimpressed.

CarefreeMe · 10/12/2022 14:22

I think it depends how often they go out.

I haven’t been out in years and I’d know that if I went out I’d be pretty useless the next day.

If it’s very rare then I think it’s fine to write the next day off by having a lie in until mid day and just have a relaxing day with the kids at home (not getting out of parenting completely).

However, if it’s a regular thing then they need to be up and active the next day.

They are choosing to go out, get drunk and come back late.

I know that if I stay up late or have a couple drinks, I still have to be up in the morning and parent/do housework etc.
You make your choices knowing your responsibilities.

If this is a regular thing then you need to say it’s obviously fine to go out but he needs to be up at X time and do things around the house/with the kids.
It is then up to him to make good choices and not stay out too late or get too drunk.

Original poster

LovingLifesHurdles · 10/12/2022 14:26

Thanks for all your replies. I completely agree with those saying that it's not about going out, but about only drinking as much as you can handle. My DH likes to be the 'fun' one and basically drinks everyone under the table to the point he can't talk or walk anymore. Sometimes I literally have no clue how he makes it home. I genuinely think that by the time you are late 30s that kind of drinking shouldn't be happening on the regular, if ever really.

Also have no issues with a morning off a few times a year (everyone needs that at the very least!). But it's gone 2 and he is still lying on the floor refusing to do anything. And this will last for the rest of the day. I will be lucky to see any involvement or effort tomorrow. Additionally he's off on a pub crawl tomorrow....

To add, we both believe in having an active social life, independently and together. This isn't a once in a blue moon occasion where he feels like it's his only opportunity to let his hair down.

The worst of it actually is that for the full following week he is a nightmare to live with. Grumpy and depressed, lashing out, shouting about tidiness or other stupid things. Eventually he snaps out of it and we have to pretend nothing happened because when I try to talk about it he accuses me of being unsupportive, not understanding or patronising him.

This level of hungover happens maybe every 6 weeks or so, but in between there are the more usual hangovers with just needing a morning off.

Sorry what a big rant! This has been bothering me for while.

OP posts:

cleanfreak12345 · 10/12/2022 14:29

Getting pissed out of your face after a certain age is embarrassing

Lovetotravel123 · 10/12/2022 14:32

YANBU. No excuse. It’s his problem if he drinks and should contribute in the normal way.

Notreallyhappy · 10/12/2022 14:34

You should be up by 11 and in the land of the living.. but plan a light day.
If you have little loves the hangover one should be alive enough to care for them after lunch so you can escape somewhere.

Bywayofanupdate · 10/12/2022 14:34

We both just get up and carry on. My husband goes out a lot more than me so there's no way I'd put up with him moping around. So I don't do it either.

StrawberryWater · 10/12/2022 14:38

Couple of hours so until 10/11 o’clock.

I don’t like moping though nor do I cancel plans. If dh isn’t up and ready we carry on and he misses out, not me or ds.

I don’t drink. Thankfully dh doesn’t do it very often.

CarefreeMe · 10/12/2022 14:47

What time is he getting home?

Refusing to do anything at 2pm is ridiculous!

You know if you go out drinking heavily the night before then you’re going to feel rough the next day - it’s not rocket science.

And you choose to accept that and know it might be difficult but you have an early night the following day to make up for it.

If he can’t handle his hangovers the next day, then he needs to drink less or stop drinking earlier.

reachforthebloodymary · 10/12/2022 15:04

I think how often it happens is key

But, on saying that after not having drunk for a while, last weekend I had two glasses of wine and the hangover the next day ruled me out of moving, but we didnt have anything planned.

As PP are posting if I arrange to do something, I dont drink the previous night, last weekend has now proved that nothing for me is the best policy if I have something on the next day

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