Christmas & in-laws

[Justonecat]

Dreading Christmas! We usually celebrate by ourselves. My parents are both dead. My in-laws live on the continent, they’ve come here once for Christmas and we have celebrated at theirs twice, and now it’s time again. Please help me with your best tips for how to enjoy Christmas and avoid tension. I want my children and husband to have a good time, PIL are older and everyone needs quality time with each other, and I don’t want to stand in the way of that even if I don’t enjoy being around them. There are no major, specific things that they have done to cause upset in the past, we are just not on the same wavelength and as a result I get tense and stressed around them. I want to change, I want to be able to relax around them but so far I have never managed.

I don’t want to ruin Christmas for my children by being tense for three days straight. I can’t manage my feelings around them and think I need some kind of advice!

HOW DO YOU RELAX AROUND YOUR IN LAWS??

(Main issues, to avoid drip feeding:)

• I get super tense around them due to a backstory, they haven’t always been the most respectful towards me or my mother when she was still alive. They won’t change, they are in their 80s, so I have to, if we are to have a functioning relationship
• I feel criticised and judged by them (based on them very occasionally muttering ‘poor children’ and similar under their breath, because of the way I parent - no sweets when they were younger, that sort of thing)
• They have some fairly controversial political ideas which they enjoy discussing, but they won’t tolerate any debate or disagreement, it gets unpleasant and shouty if you voice a contrarian opinion, this is super hard to deal with
• They are very disinterested in their grandchildren and our general life over here, it annoys me
• They schedule everything down to the minute, and I find it stressful to be micro managed
• sister in law even less interested, she has asked me maybe three questions in 15 years, we only talk about her career, her children, and travels. It gets tedious to be the only one showing any interest. She absolutely hates me now, following some covid related drama from earlier this year

Go for walks a lot! Leave them with DH as much as possible

Is SIL coming too?

Christ, could maybe just about tolerate the PILs (maybe with a little, sweet ‘let’s not go there shall we?’ If they are doing the political stuff), as they are old but SIL can def sod off, please say she isn’t coming!

Realise you can’t change them, only your response to them.
Think about 5 years from now and looking backwards. How do you want to remember this Christmas?
I would plan things for DC, to create memories with them, and ask if anyone else wants to join in. If not, “great DC and I are doing this, see you later.”
Christmas became much less stressful when I realised it did not have to be all about them and their traditions, I could incorporate our traditions too.
We still did their big meal Christmas Eve and gifts, but every second Christmas, they were welcome to join my brothers and their families for Christmas lunch and day drinking in the sun.

Oh no you have my sympathies, I dread Christmas for similar reasons and similar family members.

i have some conversation starters stored for any time I need to quickly change the subject. I try to avoid ever being in a room alone with them, I talk to or through DC a lot so I seem friendly and happy but I’m not actually talking to or engaging seriously with the family members. Politically I say oh no I don’t think that, but I don’t discuss further, and I offer nothing new, just say oh no I would disagree, oh no I don’t think that, oh really, gosh, well we all have different opinions don’t we, and just rinse and repeat variations of those three sentences. I pretend not to hear a lot, particularly rude things or just conversations I don’t want to enter into, and I make sure I have a phone or something to hand that I can suddenly have an important message or be distracted by at any second I need to excuse myself or pretend I’m not paying attention to the conversation.
also I may wear my hair down and try disguise an AirPod with a podcast playing because I seem less tense then, but still very un engaged from the conversation.
when the conversation is acceptable I make a big show of being involved so no one can accuse me of being rude or disengaged during their visit.
i do steer conversation that includes the family members I like more so I can still engage with them.

go for walks, or be busy with housework in different rooms constantly.

honestly you have my sympathies it’s not easy.

Leave them to your husband to entertain, try not to be in the same room without him

be busy getting drinks, cooking etc, taking the kids for a walk

Thank you so much everyone. @Cluelessmouse I love the idea with the AirPods 😂

I’ve had covid and managed to recover just in time for our travels to the in-laws - what are the odds of this timing! Had I caught covid just a week later, I would have been excused from going. Not only do I have to go now, I’m going to feel wiped out for the entire weekend on top. Will try to use this to my advantage, maybe I will retire early with a book…

Luckily, I don't have any kids, but if I did they would probably complain that:
There's no lock on our bathroom door
There's no TV in our living room
We don't have traditional Xmas lunch (& I can't cook anyway)
And, yes, the house is probably too warm

But the point is that we all have our own quirks & eccentricities, which is what makes life interesting!