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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why do parents get so much blame/credit?

44 replies

Stressedmum2017 · 09/12/2022 15:15

Just something I've been pondering about recently...

I have a best friend who has 2 daughters a year apart so 8 and 9. I've known them all their lives and our families are very close. One of the girls is so lovely, polite, helpful but not in a brown nosey way, it's genuinely who she is. Not perfect and has had her moments like all children but in general a really sweet kid. The other girl is quite frankly not nice to be around. She is incredibly rude with the worst attitude and mouth on her. Depending on which adults she is around as she will chop and change her personality to present differently to different adults. Very sly, sneaky and manipulative it actually worries me for a kid that's not even 10 to be like that. She's not neurodivergent or anything my own child is ASD and ADHD I've never seen any signs of anything like that, she can be very charming when it suits.

Both girls have had exactly the same upbringing, friend is very careful to treat them the same.
So I wonder which girl is a result of their upbringing and which one is not? Just going off the children is my friend a good parent or a bad parent?

My own 3 children of course have different personalities but not perhaps not quite to that extent.

Similarly my mum is 1 of 9. All my auntie and uncles despite having the same upbringing have completely different personalities and have led completely different lifestyles, some incredibly successful, highly educated, well off, families of their own, others down and out drug addicts, been to prison etc and then everything in between. Some vote green party some, vote tory.

People who have had severely abusive backgrounds in poverty can turn out to be the most kind hearted, successful people despite their background. But people will look at them and assume 'wow they must have come from a really good home'. And vice versa, people from loving, supportive homes can turn in to psychopathic monsters.

So I wonder why as a society is always the parents fault/credit? I guess Im asking are people their own people more than we realise?

OP posts:

Dittosaw · 09/12/2022 17:35

Some very good points on here. We are at different stages of life and relationship with each child.

Each child has a different personality and needs, some of which we are better able to fulfill than others.

Birth order makes a difference.

As does early experiences.

As does stage of life, illness etc.

Try watching TRIPLETS on Netflix. Basically, three triplets were separated at birth, one given to a working class family, one to a middle class family and one to an upper class family. They did tests on them and none of them knew about the others. They met by accident. It seemed at first they all had exactly the same personality however as it went on, it became apparent that parenting was also involved.

The child of the strict disciplinarian fared badly while the child of the living extrovert did well.

phoenixrosehere · 09/12/2022 17:38

OnTheBackOfMyFoot · 09/12/2022 16:14

To be fair no two kids have the same upbringing. One is the eldest and the other the youngest. One might be more academic/arty/sociable and the other less. They have different personalities and need different things from their parents. The best way to parent one child won't work for another. It's also just a fact that some kids are easier to parent than others. I also think it can be easier to parent a child who has a similiar temperement to you as a parent because it's easier for you to intuitively understand them.

The vast majority of parents are doing their best to parent the kids they have. Parents who have naturally 'easier' kids sometimes kid themselves that it's all down to amazing parenting (rather than good parenting and a chilled child).

Agree and my parents definitely would too.

If you asked my dad who was the most difficult, he would say my sister and my mum would say me.

I was too nonchalant in my mother’s opinion while despite getting good grades, never in trouble and mainly in my room. I was the polar opposite of what she was in school. She was a popular girl and I was a regular who had a diverse group of friends, happily content with socialising around school (was in many different clubs, girl guides and did dance lessons outside of school for six years) and going to a friend’s home from time to time vs being out all the times in the evening with friends. She thought I was abnormal and felt I must be up to something because I wasn’t a “typical” teenager in her eyes. I just didn’t see the point of leaving the comfort of my home when I’ve already been out most of the day nor felt that secondary was going to be the highlight of my life.

My dad loved this because he didn’t have to worry about me and knew I was safe.

My sister was more like mum which led to mum allowing her to get away with things. She was also mouthy so often butted heads with dad and mum would come running to her rescue even when she was in the wrong.

RudolphTheGreat · 09/12/2022 17:41

You know what they say, when you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. Autistic people don't all present in the same way and the switching personalities sounds like masking to fit in.

binglebangle567 · 09/12/2022 17:50

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binglebangle567 · 09/12/2022 17:54

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FuckMyLife2022 · 09/12/2022 17:54

Treating your children “the same” is doing them a huge disservice. They’re not the same. Not even my identical twin brothers are “the same”.

Barbadossunset · 09/12/2022 18:04

As a pp said, it’s a lot easier to be an easy going, tolerant parent when you’ve easy going, cooperative children.

ohioriver · 09/12/2022 18:10

Being sneaky, sky and manipulative isn't a feature of ASD or ADHD.

The child has adhd or ASD. It's offensive to say she is adhd or ASD. She is more than any conditions she may have.

Your attitude to that child stinks and is ableist.

mondaytosunday · 09/12/2022 18:16

Nature vs nurture - nature wins out. You can do a lot of harm I'd abusive but a persons personality is theirs. You could be the loveliest parents and have a not very nice child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2022 18:38

Both girls have had exactly the same upbringing

Firstly, no they didn't.

Secondly, nature nurture is very complex. Some children are naturally more plastic and change more with environment. Some parents are more flexible and can parent the children they get, who will be different from each other. Some events happen at very specific times and affect children very differently.

Parenting is important, but the idea that there is one 'good' style which works for every child is wrong.

Andante57 · 09/12/2022 18:53

Parenting is important, but the idea that there is one 'good' style which works for every child is wrong.

How are parents supposed to know exactly which parenting style will suit each child?

stargirl1701 · 09/12/2022 20:06

By knowing them. You learn which strategies suit each of your children.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/12/2022 20:08

ohioriver · 09/12/2022 18:10

Being sneaky, sky and manipulative isn't a feature of ASD or ADHD.

The child has adhd or ASD. It's offensive to say she is adhd or ASD. She is more than any conditions she may have.

Your attitude to that child stinks and is ableist.

People with ASD and ADHD don’t have their own personalities/foibles now? I’m confused

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2022 20:20

Andante57 · 09/12/2022 18:53

Parenting is important, but the idea that there is one 'good' style which works for every child is wrong.

How are parents supposed to know exactly which parenting style will suit each child?

Well DD tried to run as soon as she could stand, destroyed everything, loud and active. However loves new things, great eater etc.

A parent who likes crafts at home, routine and quiet play would have been buggered. I ran her like a puppy and gave her new things to do. She's happy.

Traits are actually observable from close to birth. You just have to look.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2022 20:22

People with ASD and ADHD don’t have their own personalities/foibles now? I’m confused

Their personality traits aren't because of the ND though. And I'd argue that ASD is unlikely to be highly correlated with 'sly and manipulative'. Just because of how the ND works.

Cuppasoupmonster · 09/12/2022 20:23

Their personality traits aren't because of the ND though. And I'd argue that ASD is unlikely to be highly correlated with 'sly and manipulative'. Just because of how the ND works.

I thought their personality traits were because of the ND, because it’s a neurotype and an inherent part of them? None of this makes sense to me anymore

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2022 20:29

It depends what personality traits.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/12/2022 20:29

Weird stuff like job satisfaction are somewhat heritable.

XelaM · 09/12/2022 20:42

Have you seen the TV documentary Life with Murder? It's about the Jennifer Jenkins case - the 18-year-old who was shot dead and her brother was convicted of her murder. The parents were so so lovely and the aunt was saying "how can two children be brought up exactly the same by loving parents and turn out so different?" The brother was just fucking evil despite having the most wonderful supportive family. So who knows why that happened 🤷‍♀️My heart broke for the father in particular.

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