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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Early signs of ASD - Can any parents help please?

40 replies

TigerTea3 · 09/12/2022 14:12

My DS is 3 and a summer born.

He's currently at nursery and doing well. He's exceptionally bright. He recognised numbers before the age of 1. He knows numbers into the hundreds of thousands, he knows most of his times tables up to 12 in rote fashion, he has a grasp of fractions, knows decimal numbers and can do relatively simple adding/subtraction sums. 100 + 200 = for example. He identifies patterns in numbers pretty quickly and has a very deep, keen interest in anything to do with numbers. He's also taught himself to count in various foreign languages through watching you tube videos. This also extends to languages with different alphabets. He's beginning to tell the time with o'clock and half past times.

He can also ready pretty fluently. He was reading at 2. He reads picture books such as the gruffalo with very little help. I taught him phonics from a young age as he took a genuine interest so this is less surprising. Comprehension is there too - he knows what he's reading, reads with expression in his voice and can predict what happens next etc. He also writes simples sentences with words spelt phonetically. He can write his full name (has been doing since very young) and other familiar names/words like Mummy, Daddy etc.

His memory is really sharp. He can recall events that happened months prior, he has memorised mine and my DH's phone numbers, he knows our full address. If he interacts with someone he hasn't seen in months, he will make reference to things that they did last time they saw each other.

He's such a bright, happy child. He's funny, he tells jokes and plays pretend, I'd say a 'normal' (although I hate to use that word) child. We will role play drs and vets, he enjoys construction toys and we build Duplo and Lego together. He enjoys singing and dancing, he plays football and swims. He's my only child and so I have nothing else to base off of but he doesn't give us any problems at all. He took to potty training immediately, we're not very strict with routine for naps and such anymore and he's always been very flexible - well, as much as toddlers can be. He's very well behaved and his teachers say he's a pleasure. They also say they've never taught a child like him with regards to his abilities.

Here's where my concerns come in. He's the youngest in his year group. The nursery haven't expressed any outright concerns re. his development to us but they have said that he prefers to play alone or with the adult staff. He has friends and does engage with them, he says hello, makes eye contact and joins in if he feels like it but he's noticeably less chatty with his peers than he is with other adults. He will chew your ear off if you're an adult and in a room full of children he gravitates to older children. I put a lot of this down to him being a lockdown child and socialising much less than what would have been typical in the years previous but without having anything to 'compare with' if you will, I don't really know how much of this is usual.

I don't know, does this ring any bells for anyone with their experience of ASD? If it is the case and DS does have additional needs, I want to ensure he has access to full support. My family and friends all insist he's just extremely clever but I sometimes have doubts. If he wasn't able to do the things he can do academically, I don't think I'd have ever thought twice about it but it's the number obsession particularly that causes me concern.

Are there any warning signs I should look out for as he grows? Thanks

OP posts:
TigerTea3 · 09/12/2022 20:42

mynameiscalypso · 09/12/2022 20:11

I recognise some of what you say in my DS, also a summer born three year old albeit my DS is not very articulate. He has a similar obsession with numbers though and is way ahead of his peers. He also tends to prefer adults to children and doesn't really engage with his friends at nursery much. The nursery haven't raised it as a concern so much as wanting to support his development from a social perspective. He's just quite quiet and self-contained though and is much happier sitting in the corner doing some maths than anything else really. I'm trying to get the balance right between accepting who he is and making sure that he's confident enough.

This does all sound similar. Of course I absolutely accept my DS for who he is, he's brilliant and I love him to bits. I just want to make sure support is there for him if he needs it.

OP posts:
Confrontayshunme · 09/12/2022 20:51

Instead of worrying about a diagnosis, why not get some play dates with other children and coach him through how to play with them? At 3, if he is very able, he will need to play more simply and be flexible (ie listen to how they want to play and take it on board). That will be all they will implement for him at nursery if he is academically fine so you can get a headstart. In the meantime get him assessed privately or see a paediatrician if you can.

Choconut · 09/12/2022 20:51

It wouldn't surprise me if it did turn out that he was autistic, he sounds fab just like my ds (but even cleverer! and mine got mostly 9's at GCSE). It wasn't really obvious socially that ds was autistic until he was 9/10 years old which is when he got diagnosed.

I would note down everything and anything you notice that is quirky or unusual and keep adding to the list as he gets older. It's unlikely he'll get any specific support at this age due to a diagnosis so I'd watch and wait for now.

TigerTea3 · 09/12/2022 20:52

gaf · 09/12/2022 20:40

Just to add my children also don’t have a learning disability or developmental delay. Infact one of my DC was early in all milestones, talked in full sentences before the age of 2 and had memorised all the car names and badges. We used to go round the supermarket and he used to point out all the numbers in the aisles whilst sitting in the trolley as a toddler.

Yes this sounds like my son. He notices the prices in the supermarket. Numbers on the menu in a cafe. Car registration plates. Numbers in parking spaces etc. His favourite toys are number related - calculator, toy clock, stopwatch. Number stickers are a firm favourite too.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 09/12/2022 20:54

@TigerTea3 I absolutely understand where your coming from. A diagnosis - which is something I've wondered about - would only be useful in so much as it would allow me to support me DS in the best possible way. The conclusion that I've come to based on what I've read and from talking to a psychiatrist friend is that my DS probably has some ASD-like behaviours but wouldn't meet the diagnostic criteria. Ultimately, it doesn't really change how I'm going to try and parent him I think. But they're still so young that so much can and will change.

Choconut · 09/12/2022 20:56

I expect he gravitates to adults as they will allow him to talk at them and will listen to him talking about his favourite subject or subjects! Typical ASD. Older kids also tend to be more tolerant of this. I used to put it down to being an only child, there is so much you can put down to one thing or another when they are young!

Scattery · 09/12/2022 21:01

Hi OP,

You might as well have described my son at age 3, down to being August-born.

My son is now 14. He only got an autism dx at age 9 and that was because of one brilliant teacher who really helped push. Otherwise DS would have flown just under the radar: not enough needs for formal support... but boy oh boy the OTHER KIDS knew he was different, so he struggled socially.

He eats pretty much anything (a few texture issues but hardly anything to speak of), doesn't need a strict routine/can be quite flexible really. He loved numbers and letters. Wordplay still cracks him up (autocorrects were a huge hit for ages). He used to line up magnetic letters and we'd read them out in a big line of gobbledygook and he'd be on the floor with laughter. His memory was and still is amazing - he remembers stuff from age 2, still. He remembers the layout of a flat we used to live in. I think the reason he could do all this at an early age is because he 100% focused his brain on that stuff rather than learning how to be social. I took him to playgroups but he was more interested in sitting with the adults or playing on his own. He was perfectly well-behaved with other kids, he'd share toys without even prompting, but he was also the biggest doormat, and I'd have to watch carefully to make sure he wasn't being taken advantage of. This lasted way into primary school because he'd ascribe the best intentions to everyone "oh, it was just a mistake, he didn't mean to hurt me". (This has since changed as he's become jaded and now it's very much the opposite...)

You may very well fall into a very gray area between "he's so smart, he doesn't need help" and "why is he so weird??! he should tone it down. no wonder he struggles making friends, all of this is his fault, train him to be more normal"

I found that a formal diagnosis helped me push back and advocate better for him.

You're going to get people (well-meaning, or just busybodies) who insist "nothing's wrong" with him. They're right. There isn't anything wrong with him, but a dx is some slight protection, because schools have to at least try to make reasonable adjustments.

You're going to need to protect his mental health. I'm big on helping him learn about neurodiversity and how it benefits everyone. Google "Autistic not weird" for a good starting point. Also, I went through 3 primary schools before I settled him, plus a period of home ed, and was lucky to find a mainstream secondary that fully supports smart-but-weird kids like him. Probably helps that he's predicted 8s and 9s in all his GCSEs. He's also fallen in with a few kids and groups who accept him socially, so we're lucky on that front too, but it isn't always smooth sailing. At times he's been suicidal. He will lapse into self-harm occasionally.

Something I wish I could go back and tell myself: however "normal" you coach your son to be, it will NEVER BE ENOUGH for society.

I have seen him deliberately excluded from parties, from social gatherings, from friendships, and my god, my heart, when you find out your beautiful son's the only one not invited, and he comes home, and you distract him by talking about the Fibonacci sequence which he understands perfectly, but he cannot understand why fucking neurotypical Johnny leaves him out and is mean.

Maybe this is too long now. Good luck. He sounds absolutely amazing but I know how utterly intense it can be.

stillvicarinatutu · 09/12/2022 21:07

My son (now 31) has Aspergers and was very similar in some respects.

Very advanced in some ways but the gap did widen and he was diagnosed at 7. He was always just that little bit different. Looking back the signs were there . Write down anything you notice and just keep a track of things -
My boy showed marked difference in things like sports, following instructions, rules, (he was once described as the policeman of the classroom 😂). That said - he is an amazing adult , yes he had "special talents " which have served him well career wise . He's lovely . My advice would be worry less, stay in the ball, dont ignore any concerns, and be there for him whatever. It turns out ok .

stillvicarinatutu · 09/12/2022 21:09

(I bought my son a smarties calculator for his first birthday! I should have known then 😂).

SirVixofVixHall · 09/12/2022 21:18

OP I will PM you .

SHNBV · 09/12/2022 21:21

I'm an autism specialist, an autistic and both sides of my family contain many autistic individuals. Your son is going to spend many more years needing to know how to interact well with adults than he is with large groups of children.

From what you've said he doesn't sound disordered or as though he needs any help.My experience has taught me that those who are labelled as 'special' and are given interventions tend to do far worse in life than autistic individuals whose parents don't focus on labelling them and instead focus on them as a person. Its normal (whether NT or not) to need support with developing social skills and managing their weaknesses.

As an autistic, I've found the negatives of having a diagnosis far outweigh the beneifts.

stickydoughnuts · 09/12/2022 21:23

www.amazon.co.uk/Brilliant-IQ-Gift-Challenge/dp/0857478346

highly recommend this book; there is a crossover between genius and autism in terms of character traits but that does not automatically mean your son has autism. I think genius is, in an academic sense, a special need though as it’s outside the realms of average. You need to get on board with his school to make sure they are providing for him.

maskersanonymous · 09/12/2022 21:28

SHNBV

"As an autistic, I've found the negatives of having a diagnosis far outweigh the benefits."

I feel the opposite very strongly. I am very similar to the OP's son and it was a huge relief to know I was on the spectrum and enabled me to understand myself better. I also have at least one child with ASD (one we are watching) and their life has improved considerably since diagnosis, as have the lives of other family members who have been diagnosed, often in later life.

Unfortunately, I wasn't diagnosed until my later 40's and my mental, and subsequently physical, health have suffered because of this.

Ozgirl75 · 09/12/2022 22:00

I think sometimes, very bright kids can find it hard to fit in with other children when they’re young. I have a 12 year old who isn’t autistic, but he does exhibit some of the characteristics- he has “obsessions” where he learns everything about a subject and then infodumps on you - not a conversation, just telling you everything about (eg) aeroplanes, space or Pokémon.
Luckily I do find other boys generally quite tolerant of this and we have also gently trained him that not everyone wants to listen to a long stream of info.
He also isn’t super bothered by friendships - he enjoys hanging out with friends but he also is very happy at home, or reading or with his family. He has lots of friends though and luckily the school he goes to has a large “nerd” component which he fits into easily.
This is the first year at school where he has had some difficulties in class with his teacher who was very rigid and found him difficult, other teachers have raved about him as he learns things quickly. He found the class boring this year and said he didn’t learn anything - and I don’t think he will have hidden this boredom well.
The thing to remember is, all children are different. Not all autistic children will be the same, and not all NT children will be either. As I say, my son has a few traits that occasionally raise a question mark with me, but he has no issues with meltdowns, sensory issues, food, sleep or socially so I think of them as personality quirks.

Firstimemum24 · 25/12/2024 21:31

TigerTea3 · 09/12/2022 20:42

This does all sound similar. Of course I absolutely accept my DS for who he is, he's brilliant and I love him to bits. I just want to make sure support is there for him if he needs it.

Hi OP any updates ? ❤️

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