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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is DH or DD being unreasonable

41 replies

Safarigiraffe · 09/12/2022 13:30

Today is DD19 birthday recently she passed her driving test and husband bought her a car however DD gave all her maintenance loan towards the cost of the car.
DH told DD last night that car was her birthday present but would give her £50 birthday money - I think he should give her slightly more only because DD did give towards car her maintenance loan so who is being unreasonable here? DD is upset cos she’s saying she gave all her maintenance’s loan towards car

OP posts:
Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 15:18

DD18 phoned me up shouting at me on the phone, messaging me to get lost 😞 & I annoyed her which made me get so mad at her but as I was shouting at her on the phone at her disrespectful manner my phone cut out so eventually found her. She gets in the car shouting blue murder at me, I’m shouting back, she then grabs my phone and throws it to the back seat, I couldn’t stop as I was on the motorway driving so got home and shouted, said to her no more lifts anymore, so now I’m sitting here crying & very madly upset as well.

Is this the same daughter you posted about recently OP?

onlyjustme · 09/12/2022 15:26

Used her MAINTENANCE LOAN for a car???
As in University maintenance loan?
At an interest rate of a million percent?
That might never be fully paid off?
Assuming she gets a job paying a decent salary, every month for the a very long time she will be paying that back at 9% on her earnings above a certain level. £30 to £100 per month possibly more. For years!!! The car will be long dead!!!
Would have been far better to take out a car loan and NOT take out the maintenance loan if it wasn't actually needed. [Just tuition fee loan]
(Misses point entirely...)

Testina · 09/12/2022 15:28

So many questions…

  • what did you get her?
  • did you not talk to him first?
  • did she know the car was her birthday present?
  • how much was her contribution to the total
  • how does £50 compare to general gift giving in your family?
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 09/12/2022 15:28

Sorry but giving someone a car is just that. You give them the whole car.

Contributing towards a car is different, but still very generous.

Did DD chose her car? Was the money paid by DH a set amount that she was aware of? So he said he's give her £1000 towards a car of her choice or was it she is getting this car but must pay X amount towards it?

It doesn't sound like it was well explained and is leaving her out of pocket without her agreeing to it.

The £50 is also very generous but perhaps she was expecting her contribution back?

It all depends on what was actually agreed and how it was communicated.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 09/12/2022 15:29

Why does it matter what OP got her? How is that relevant to the thread?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2022 15:31

Goodgrief82 · 09/12/2022 15:18

DD18 phoned me up shouting at me on the phone, messaging me to get lost 😞 & I annoyed her which made me get so mad at her but as I was shouting at her on the phone at her disrespectful manner my phone cut out so eventually found her. She gets in the car shouting blue murder at me, I’m shouting back, she then grabs my phone and throws it to the back seat, I couldn’t stop as I was on the motorway driving so got home and shouted, said to her no more lifts anymore, so now I’m sitting here crying & very madly upset as well.

Is this the same daughter you posted about recently OP?

Fucking hell, is this really your daughter? She sounds like an absolute spoilt nightmare if so.

TidyDancer · 09/12/2022 15:32

What was she expecting as a present? I think £50 is fine. The car shouldn't come into this (unless there's some other backstory).

Justleaveitblankthen · 09/12/2022 15:36

What did you get her OP?
What did she want to use her gift money for?
She's 19. It's perfectly reasonable present money from one (or both) parentsHmm
What do wider family give her? I'll bet it's the same, or less..
She sounds spoiled. I would be embarrassed for my DC to react like this.

xmasx · 09/12/2022 15:37

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 09/12/2022 15:29

Why does it matter what OP got her? How is that relevant to the thread?

Because it speaks to the reasonableness of OP telling DH to give DD more money. If OP gave DD £50 and no car contribution but DH gave DD £50 plus a car contribution then she's being completely unreasonable expecting DH to give more because DD is whinging (for example). If it's normal that DH buys DD even birthday presents (2, 4, 6 etc) but OP does off birthdays (1, 3, 5 etc) and they usually spend £500 but this year the gift total came to £200 then it would be reasonable for OP to suggest DH should give her more (for example). It's necessary context.

sheepdogdelight · 09/12/2022 15:41

Most parents (unless separated) surely buy their DC joint presents?

I can't think of a single family I know where parents buy separate presents or take it in turns to buy them in alternate years....

pigonalipstick · 09/12/2022 15:52

Surely the bigger issue is what she's now going to live off, if she's no maintenance loan left for next term?

LlynTegid · 09/12/2022 15:52

OP, think of the people who struggle to afford a bus fare or a meal.

Testina · 09/12/2022 15:53

What did her slightly older brother get for his 19th? Did that set an expectation for her?

Waystation · 09/12/2022 16:04

JemimaTiggywinkles · 09/12/2022 15:02

I think you've handled this badly. You didn't tell DD that the money towards the car was her birthday present until the day before her birthday and well after the car was paid for. If she normally gets a few hundred pound for her birthday, she might have been relying on that money so she has something to spend over Christmas. £50 is perfectly reasonable for an adult's birthday, but she is most likely upset that you've moved the goalposts rather than the actual amount.

This

twinklestarin · 09/12/2022 16:29

she sounds rotten

xmasx · 09/12/2022 16:44

Waystation · 09/12/2022 16:04

This

Show quote history

I'm not sure if this is true though. From the OP it's unclear whether he told her the night before her birthday whether the car was her gift or whether she already knew that but found out that she was only getting £50 more. There's a big difference between "that thing you already own is retrospectively being made your birthday present (plus £50)" and "seeing as we contributed to the car for your birthday, we're going to give you £50 tomorrow but no more presents".

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