To not want to be touched or hugged at work.

habibihabibi · 2022-12-09T11:04:47+00:00

Newish, not British ,manager constantly invades personal space and arm rubs and even hugs some co-workers. I cannot stand it personally and really winced when she laid her hand on my shoulder while I was working. Other people in the firm feel the same. What do I say if it happens again?

Calphurnia88 · 09/12/2022 11:17

Not sure why her nationality is relevant but her behaviour is inappropriate and unprofessional.

Do you have a HR team? In your situation I would be asking them to raise this with her.

phoenixrosehere · 09/12/2022 11:22

Privately and politely tell her that you don’t like to be touched.

I have told a colleague up front that I’m not a hugger when she was about to hug me. She was a bit startled but she accepted it. This was just after Covid restrictions were loosened but I had only worked with the woman maybe a handful of times and didn’t know her well at all. I hug a small number of people because I’m comfortable with them (DH, sons..). I spent years allowing people to hug me because that was expected, not because I really wanted to and didn’t realise that until Covid. I finally felt more open to state my boundaries.

FlowersareEverything · 09/12/2022 11:27

just say politely please don’t touch me, I don’t like to be touched. It’s really as simple as that.

Original poster

habibihabibi · 09/12/2022 11:29

I think she doesn't really understand the UK work culture. I have never, in many years of employment been hugged or touched.

OP posts:

TroysMammy · 09/12/2022 11:34

People who know me know I don't do touching. However I know the ones who do hugging so if it is necessary and they need a hug then I can force myself to hug them but only if I've known them for more than 10 years 😀.

Fairislefandango · 09/12/2022 11:41

Not sure why her nationality is relevant

It's not irrelevant at all imo. Attitudes to this kind of thing vary wildly in different countries. I once saw a load of staff at a hospital in France all do the 3 cheek kisses when arriving/leaving at what I assume was shift changeover time.

Yes, the OP's manager needs to learn not to invade colleagues' personal space, because it's intrusive and considered unprofessional in the UK. But the fact that she's from elsewhere might mean it's more the norm for her, rather than that she is insensitive or deliberately intrusive.

Brefugee · 09/12/2022 11:48

take an exaggerated step backwards, so it is very obvious that you don't want to be touched, and tell them that you don't want to be touched?

It's what i do.

Thelnebriati · 09/12/2022 11:50

Next time try to pre-empt her, put your hand up to block hers and say 'I don't like being touched, thanks.' then carry on with what you were doing, no fuss and no drama.

JoWawa · 09/12/2022 11:52

YANBU but different cultures have different expectations. When I worked in Argentina in the 80s, feamle staff gave everyone a peck on the cheek when they arrived at work.

NooNakedJacuzziness · 09/12/2022 12:01

Try this next time

TheCatterall · 09/12/2022 12:07

I’d say something before it happens? just get it sorted. Tell her that you love working with her but personally you don’t like physical contact with colleagues as it makes you feel uncomfortable and that U.K. working culture is more reserved and we aren’t a touchy feely bunch.

PickyTea · 09/12/2022 12:37

TheCatterall · 09/12/2022 12:07

I’d say something before it happens? just get it sorted. Tell her that you love working with her but personally you don’t like physical contact with colleagues as it makes you feel uncomfortable and that U.K. working culture is more reserved and we aren’t a touchy feely bunch.

Please don’t do this, you’ll be dragged in front of HR in no time for the cultural comment, racial version of mansplaining.

PickyTea · 09/12/2022 12:38

Just say to her you don’t enjoy being touched, really simple.

Although I will say I’ve worked in more touchy places in the UK than not, I’ve always worked in large multinationals though where people aren’t as precious on the most part

Calphurnia88 · 09/12/2022 16:07

Fairislefandango · 09/12/2022 11:41

Not sure why her nationality is relevant

It's not irrelevant at all imo. Attitudes to this kind of thing vary wildly in different countries. I once saw a load of staff at a hospital in France all do the 3 cheek kisses when arriving/leaving at what I assume was shift changeover time.

Yes, the OP's manager needs to learn not to invade colleagues' personal space, because it's intrusive and considered unprofessional in the UK. But the fact that she's from elsewhere might mean it's more the norm for her, rather than that she is insensitive or deliberately intrusive.

Fair enough.

All the more reason (IMO) for @habibihabibi to hand this over to HR, as they are better positioned to handle this. Especially if there are a number of people who are being made to feel uncomfortable.

TheLostNights · 09/12/2022 16:10

I used to have a manager do this. She would just come running up and barrell into me for a hug. Gross.
Hate hugging.