Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To go to the reception anyway

22 replies

justsayso · 08/12/2022 13:07

I've adjusted some details on this as it's outing.
We've (DH & I) been invited to a wedding reception some distance away and have organised hotel and travel in order to attend. I've paid for this as it's my friend who is getting married.
DH agreed at the time and I've also paid some money towards an extra event for us to go to on the same day, not much, £50, on top of the hotel cost.
DH is now saying that we may not be able to go as he feels he needs to stay to oversee a job that's dependent on him being there over the weekend.
I've suggested I go alone as it's my friends celebration and it will be an opportunity to see lots of other friends I care about, I don't get much chance to see people from my social circle as I moved far North to live with DH and spend a lot of time supporting him in his business.
DH was angry this morning when I suggested I go alone and said it was a 'terrible' thing to say. I can't understand this stance, I'd be happy for him to go in my place if the situation was reversed, and it doesn't take two of us to complete the job.
Plus if something was to go wrong it would be DH who would be sorting it out not me.

For background I've been really looking forward to wearing some nice clothes and having a knees up as most of the time I look like a walking hedgerow, and this is likely the only chance I'll get for some time.

So wise MN AIBU to bloody well go anyway and have a lovely time?

OP posts:

toomuchlaundry · 08/12/2022 13:10

Why does he think you shouldn’t go? Does he ever go out with friends on his own?

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 08/12/2022 13:11

I think its very odd he thinks its okay to say if he can't go you can't go

I have health issues and there's been plenty of times where I have had to back out of an event but I always encourage my DH to go without me

BendingSpoons · 08/12/2022 13:11

You DEFINITELY should go. He has no right to stop you. He either comes with you or, if he really feels he can't leave the job, he waves you off to have fun. It's your friends after all. If he kicks up a fuss, then he is being quite controlling IMO.

CRbear · 08/12/2022 13:13

That’s crazy! It’s a huge waste if you don’t go, and really disappointing for your friend who will be out of pocket for both your meals!

mynameiscalypso · 08/12/2022 13:15

Eh? Of course you should go. I tend to generally see my friends without my DH because I like being able to chat to them properly and have a laugh with them in a way that's not the same if DH is there. DH has no issue with this at all.

Original poster

justsayso · 08/12/2022 13:16

I was a bit blown away myself this morning when he came out with it.
He does go out on occasion with his one friend and I actively encourage him to go without me for some time away, I think it's important. I'm going to have to talk to him this evening but I want to be able to say my piece without getting so mad I can't speak, which may happen!
It's really selfish and controlling actually.

OP posts:

DillyDallyPop · 08/12/2022 13:17

Is he controlling in other ways too?

TokyoSushi · 08/12/2022 13:17

What an odd response, of course you should go! Do you have any DC? Is it that he doesn't want to have to look after them?

RandomMess · 08/12/2022 13:17

So you should sit at home with nothing to do and nowhere to go whilst he's at work and he's cancelled his commitment to going?

PortiasBiscuit · 08/12/2022 13:27

Of course you should go, tell him to stop being selfish and stupid.

Lampshadered · 08/12/2022 13:31

Of course you should go!

MRSDoos · 08/12/2022 13:33

Go! This is very weird behaviour, my DH would have no issue with me going. Is this a one off or is he controlling?

AriettyHomily · 08/12/2022 13:34

Does he try and control you in other ways? I would not out up with that.

FlounderingFruitcake · 08/12/2022 13:37

What an odd response from him! Of course you still go to your friends wedding, it should be an absolute no brainer.

browneyes35 · 08/12/2022 13:40

His response makes it sound like he was trying to sabotage your night. Why on earth would he expect you to be home, too just because he has to work? That's someone that doesn't want you to be happy.

ToDoListAddict · 08/12/2022 13:40

You should definitely go!
Very strange reaction from your DH - I had to leave my DH home when I attended my cousins wedding as we had a very poorly pet and someone had to stay home with them and my husband had no objections to me attending without him.

Christmasnero · 08/12/2022 13:42

It’s not clear if it’s his business or your business as a married couple? You say his but that you’re supporting him and doing lots of work for it?
i suppose trying to consider (assuming he’s not normally an arse or controlling and abusive) his side, does he feel like it’s a combined business and he’s setting it up and working hard to support the family, and now you’re happy to go out and have a good weekend off and he’s going to be the one stuck working, but then you both reap the benefits of his hard work? Not that that would make it ok what he’s saying, but that’s the only thing I can think of to make it a bit more rational.

i suppose if i was working really hard at my business for the benefit of my family, and I now had to miss out on something fun id been looking forward to, and then DH was like no problem, that’s a shame for you, I’ll have a great time though without you, I may feel a bit resentful, even though it’s not logical for us both to stay back.

Original poster

justsayso · 08/12/2022 14:13

@Christmasnero i think that might be it, he's probably feeling sore and resentful but really, it's a bit selfish of him. If it were me I'd still want him to go even if I was jealous!
It's his business. We don't have kids.
If he plays the pass ag or silent treatment card this evening/on my return I'll have to think hard about our future as the landscape will change.
The business takes a lot of work and as I want that lifestyle, I'm happy to put my time into it gratis. But I also need to have time to myself and shouldn't be punished for it!
It is a shame if he can't come and I will miss him but I still don't see why we should both go. It's really important to me to maintain friendships - you get out what you put in. Especially important now I live further away.

OP posts:

SnowlayRoundabout · 08/12/2022 14:18

If it's his business, why did he accept a job commitment that clashed with this anyway? Is there any reason why it could not be a few days later? After all, if he already had another work commitment this customer would have had to wait.

Sceptre86 · 08/12/2022 14:20

Don't phrase it as a question when you talk about it. Something along the lines of how you'd love it if he could be there but understand how work sometimes has to take precedence. Anyway you'll send him photos and look forward to filling him in on how it all went once you get home. See how he respond.

I wouldn't go down the whole ltb route unless he truly is controlling and this is just another example of that. My dh initially used to want to do everything together and if for whatever reason if our diaries clashed he would cancel stuff. I knew it was coming from a good place but I found it stifling and told him so. Now we have kids we split up and do things separately often because it saves time. I think it partly comes from my dh is a people person and comes from a small family (so always wanted more company) whereas I'm a loner(by choice) and come from a big family so always craved time on my own to get some peace.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 08/12/2022 16:20

justsayso · 08/12/2022 14:13

Its his business or its a joint business?

Because it sounds a lot like you are both working for the business but he is the only one getting paid and considers it entirely his.

Lcb123 · 08/12/2022 16:24

I wouldn't have even thought to 'suggest' going alone. I would just go alone and have fun. He's working anyway, so he wouldn't see you

Flip