What do I do? Saw something on dh phone

[saturnsring]

I was using dh phone to find an email (not fishing - we use each others phones often and know each others password).

I saw on his previous list of opened tabs that his App Store was open on a dating app. When I dug deeper I could see the app or anything like it hadn't been downloaded but he still must have searched for it for it to be there surely?

I don't know what to think. Our sex life isn't great. He has ED issues and takes viagra. Things between us are quite scheduled and vanilla, not at all spontaneous but I thought that was down to his issues. If he's searching for this stuff what the hell is going on? Do I confront him?

We have a young baby and haven't been getting on brilliantly lately. Both tired and stressed. I don't know what to think.

It wasn't in his browser it was one of the tabs that has been recently opened and not cleared. Same as if you've seen on messages, email, FaceTime recently. I've never in my life seen anything like this in my tabs or his that has come from an ad. I appreciate it is a possibility but my gut feeling is that he searched for it and that's why it's there.

I get this all the time. If you are playing a game, watch an advert for a reward and click on the ad by mistake it can open Safari and then the App Store as well. Usually happens if I miss the x to close the advert cos of my fat fingers.

I get spam ads popping up on tabs all the time on iPhone

I really wouldn’t even be particularly concerned about this, especially since he’s never shown huge interest in making it a part of your sex life. Loads of people have fantasies which they wouldn’t actually want to play out. I’m sure DH would raise an eyebrow at some of my Literotica history, as it would come as a surprise; but it’s not stuff that I have any particular interest in outside of fantasy.

You need to address the disconnect between you, the lack of communication, and why you’ve just muddled along despite presumably both acknowledging the relationship isn’t great. Do you have childcare available so that you could spend more time alone together? Has relationship counselling ever been raised as something you’d both be willing to try?

I'm not sure why people are trying to sway you away from what seems obvious to me!

You need to listen to your gut instinct here. I wouldn't be going in all guns blazing but I'd be having a conversation with him about it because why on earth wouldn't you? Only he can explain it - or not - and only you know how likely it is that he would do this

It could well be idle curiosity. You sound like you're not exactly desperate to hang on to the marriage though so could you be looking for a potential way out yourself?

I'm absolutely not looking for a way out of the marriage but if I'm honest I'm tired of trying to communicate only for him to clam up about our sex life. I'm incredibly tired and stressed at the moment (dealing with baby and older dc) and I know I maybe haven't been a brilliant wife. But I don't think I deserve this. I have tried.

I could handle idle curiosity if our sex life wasnt so irregular but it's like he doesn't want to discuss it with me but is happy to look elsewhere - if that is indeed why he's been looking.

It's impossible to know the truth of it, but I will say quite often I've accidently pressed something, a pop up or whatever on a website, and it will take you straight to the app store to download the app. The screen would look the same as if you'd searched it and then gone on the page. Happened to me dozens of times. So it really is plausible that's what happened. Especially if it's an anonymous hook-ups (possible dodgy spam app) and not one of the major ones.

I got an email this morning thanking me for signing up to POF. I've never searched it or any other dating website. I'm happily married and in all honesty don't have time to even consider it. Probably spam. If my husband had happened across it I would expect him to have a grown up conversation with me about it.

What could have happened is he accidently clicked on a ad and it opened the apps homepage on the app store, I've even had it when I've clicked on advert just as it's changing from something I want to look at to something I don't.

I’ve often accidentally clicked on an ad that’s brought up the App Store. It’s very annoying and it does happen!

But he wasn't looking.

The worst case scenario here is that he thought about anonymous hookups, searched for the app, then snapped himself out of it before even downloading it. This isn't something that's a concern in an otherwise healthy relationship.

The things you need to talk about should be separated from the phone thing. And FWIW he absolutely owes you proper communication, and that's what you should be angry about - not what he searched for, but that he won't talk to you properly. That's what you should focus on.

Yep I've accidentally clicked on ads on Safari before and they then open up the app on the App Store, this is a very plausible explanation OP

I’ve just gone into my App Store and clicked on apps. The top app listed as an iPhone essential is tinder, I have never downloaded or searched for a dating app. There is every chance he’s accidentally clicked on it.

@gannett I am angry about it but I don't know how else to communicate with him, or get him to communicate with me. We've had a few candid chats in the past when he has basically admitted to having low libido and feeling embarrassed about his ED. I have been respectful of that and tried not to push it but it doesn't ring true when other things come to light. I can't force him to be honest and open with me.

You're right about the phone situation though i guess. The important thing is he didn't download it or act on it even if he did search.

Op you need to speak to him honestly. It doesn’t sound like he’s done anything but perhaps is considering it. Set aside time when it’s just the two of you and have an honest chat. Don’t go in all guns blazing as he will shut down. Good luck.

Thank you it's really bugging me and he can tell I'm off with him. I just don't know how to bring it up.

Ime ask him or it will fester. My dh used to have a particular user name on his hobby sites. Once saw the same name but with a capital first letter. All sorts came up. Immediately felt sick until I realised the error was my fault. Had asked him to be sure as the sick feeling was so real. Tell him what you saw. His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

Can you come at it from 'I'm worried about something' rather then 'explain this you bastard'. It's playing on your mind so you need to ask him - then just take it slowly from there.

If you haven't tried couples counselling maybe that would help. The purpose is to aid honest communication and it sounds like you're at the stage where you (as a couple, and mostly because of his reticence) need professional help for that. It's not an easy situation knowing the answer is communication, but your partner won't do that, and I'm sorry.

ED and low libido for sex with a partner doesn't usually mean absence of sexual desire though. As I understand it's often a mental thing to do with anxiety about performing, which there obviously isn't with masturbation.

Maybe he can't with his wife but he can somewhere else !

I think you should trust your gut. Your suggestion that this is to do with finding someone to share his kink sounds feasible to me.
He struggles to have sex with you and its easy to imagine him thinking that it's the absense of husband kink in your sex life that's the issue.
I fully understand why you're angry at the thought. All this time you've been putting up with poor sex for the greater good of your relationship, because of his problems, and he doesn't appear to have the decency to reciprocate.
You do need to confront him or your resentment will grow.

His kink not husband

Angry about what? As many have pointed out he's possibly not even searched for it.

Maybe if you'd just had a massive argument, he thought he'd have a look. Doesn't mean he'd download it and set up a profile - that's a different ballgame.
Why do you use each other's phones and have the passwords? Sounds like there's big trust issues between you.