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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Absent father?

23 replies

SpinningFloppa · 08/12/2022 08:31

should a father that’s been absent for 2 years get to walk straight back in or would you expect contact to build up slowly first by messages? Aibu to expect things to go slowly? If it hadn’t been 2 years fair enough but I think 2 years is too long to just walk back in again like nothing

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/12/2022 08:33

I think it’s up to the child as to how they want to play it.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 08/12/2022 08:38

KangarooKenny · 08/12/2022 08:33

I think it’s up to the child as to how they want to play it.

Depends on the age though surely? But yes children also feel the same.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 08/12/2022 08:41

I think that if you were to give the ages of the children and how much they saw of him before the break, rather than it be a drip feed thread, that might help people formulate an opinion.

SinnerBoy · 08/12/2022 08:42

No, if he buggered off for two years, he needs to take it slowly.

Bigbadfish · 08/12/2022 08:45

I would direct them to the nearest court and explain they can see the child after a CAO had been created.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 08/12/2022 08:48

KangarooKenny · 08/12/2022 08:41

I think that if you were to give the ages of the children and how much they saw of him before the break, rather than it be a drip feed thread, that might help people formulate an opinion.

I’m trying to get general ideas, he has never been consistent at all since we split and has disappeared for up to a year at a time, just 2 years has been the longest, but trying to get general ideas as I don’t think any parent gets to just walk back in after 2 years.

OP posts:
Crazykefir · 08/12/2022 08:53

All circumstances are different however if he's not a risk to the child the courts would tend to promote access.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 08/12/2022 08:56

Crazykefir · 08/12/2022 08:53

All circumstances are different however if he's not a risk to the child the courts would tend to promote access.

No one is denying it he chose to disappear for 2 years so I’ve said it needs to be built up slowly again due to past behaviour where he has saw them again after a year and then disappeared again after seeing them for only 2 months. So rather than rushing in again only to find he has disappeared yet again it needs to go slower this time.

OP posts:
Naunet · 08/12/2022 08:57

I think men who flitter in and out of their kids lives do a lot of damage to them. I would expect a slow buildup and the children should be encouraged to set their own boundaries and expect better from him rather than feeling like they should be grateful for his attention and like they need to dance to his tune.

Crazykefir · 08/12/2022 09:02

Ok so what does going slower look like?

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 08/12/2022 09:05

Messaging the children showing consistency until the children feel comfortable to meet up. Be consistent to show that you are not just going to disappear again.

OP posts:
lockdownmummax · 08/12/2022 09:08

I'd say he has to build it up,
being a parent doesn't give you the right to treat your children like rubbish, dissepearing for 2 years is not on? where was his care for the children during those 2 years,
I'd agree he has to build it up slowly and build trust, it also depends what she children are if they are young and still quite dependant I wouldn't trust leaving the kids with him

my biological father was like this, came and gone as he pleased, missed my birthdays sometimes I would cry on my birthday for not getting a happy birthday from him, my mum was always flexible with him when he came back in the picture and tbh I wish she wasn't, I'm 23 years old and it still does me a lot of damage but On the other hand it's him that suffers now as he try's to have a relationship with me and I don't entertain him because I know what type of parent he is
I have my own children now and couldn't imagine not seeing them for 2 years I miss my we toddler if she's away for an overnight

Tannedandfake · 08/12/2022 09:09

How old are the children?

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 08/12/2022 10:24

The children are age between 11 and 5 the 5 year old doesn’t remember him so one of the other reasons for wanting to go slowly here, last saw him when she was 3, he has already messed with the other ones heads enough.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 08/12/2022 10:27

My ex did this. Twice. We went through court and he was given supervised contact building up to unsupervised over a fairly long period. We are now on the third period of two years of no contact and I have a no contact order.

From a personal point or view the damage this did to my son was irreparable. He's had to have a lot of talking therapy and support. He is deeply deeply wounded.

I would tread very carefully with this, particularly if he is likely to lose interest again. I would point him in the direction of the nearest court 🤷🏻‍♀️

gemloving · 08/12/2022 10:29

@KangarooKenny I would not let my 3 year old make that decision but that's for me. It really does depend on age which has not been disclosed.

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 08/12/2022 10:52

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/12/2022 10:27

My ex did this. Twice. We went through court and he was given supervised contact building up to unsupervised over a fairly long period. We are now on the third period of two years of no contact and I have a no contact order.

From a personal point or view the damage this did to my son was irreparable. He's had to have a lot of talking therapy and support. He is deeply deeply wounded.

I would tread very carefully with this, particularly if he is likely to lose interest again. I would point him in the direction of the nearest court 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is the case for my children as well it’s been really damaging for them and it’s caused a lot of upset so it’s crazy to me that people think he should just be able to swan back in like nothing has happened without proving he is going to stick around first doesn’t matter the ins and outs there is no good reason to not see your children for 2 years through choice. 2 years is a long time in a child’s life it’s not 2 months.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 08/12/2022 10:58

@SpinningFloppa I totally agree, it's completely cruel and unacceptable. I really wouldn't try and manage this yourself. I would suggest to him that he makes an application to court. This means Cafcass will manage it and make recommendations. My Cafcass officer was wonderful and did her level best. The court will always try and ensure the children have a relationship with the absent parent. However, he may be ordered to do parenting courses too. None of this worked with my ex. There is an awful OW in the background who made it clear our son didn't feature in their future plans. They've now moved 700 miles away. I ache for the hurt this has caused my little boy. Don't allow this to happen to yours. I realise you're trying to do your best in difficult circumstances Flowers

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 08/12/2022 11:36

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/12/2022 10:58

@SpinningFloppa I totally agree, it's completely cruel and unacceptable. I really wouldn't try and manage this yourself. I would suggest to him that he makes an application to court. This means Cafcass will manage it and make recommendations. My Cafcass officer was wonderful and did her level best. The court will always try and ensure the children have a relationship with the absent parent. However, he may be ordered to do parenting courses too. None of this worked with my ex. There is an awful OW in the background who made it clear our son didn't feature in their future plans. They've now moved 700 miles away. I ache for the hurt this has caused my little boy. Don't allow this to happen to yours. I realise you're trying to do your best in difficult circumstances Flowers

Thank you that’s exactly it I’m just trying to do the best for my children not what’s best for an absent father who thinks he can pick them up and drop them again when he is bored.

OP posts:
cheninblanc · 08/12/2022 11:43

My ex has done this several times, the last time he did it he has never really come back, he now shows up on birthdays (although not the next one that's round the corner for my eldest child he hasn't mentioned) including his and Christmas. That's it, that's all he sees them. No support with school, no support for eldest at uni or with driving. Nothing. I know at times they struggle with it, I offer as much emotional support as I can.

They are mid to late teens though, my 2 tick the box for him at these visits and carry on with their lives. Sad situation all round tbh

Original poster
SpinningFloppa · 08/12/2022 11:49

cheninblanc · 08/12/2022 11:43

My ex has done this several times, the last time he did it he has never really come back, he now shows up on birthdays (although not the next one that's round the corner for my eldest child he hasn't mentioned) including his and Christmas. That's it, that's all he sees them. No support with school, no support for eldest at uni or with driving. Nothing. I know at times they struggle with it, I offer as much emotional support as I can.

They are mid to late teens though, my 2 tick the box for him at these visits and carry on with their lives. Sad situation all round tbh

That’s how it is for my ex it feels like he only comes in to check if they are ok then disappears again. I don’t believe he wants contact I believe he is bored and is wondering how they are then will disappear again because he has done it so many times over the years, so I am absolutely wary of letting him back in. I’m not saying he can’t have contact just that he needs to build it up slowly and be consistent with messaging them until they feel ready/ ask to see him which they haven’t yet. He has never been to their school, never had them over night, nothing. He is basically a stranger to my youngest.

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 08/12/2022 11:52

Yanbu
Tell him to take it to court. They would agree with supervised contact for a while before unsupervised started. The 11yo would have some say with a judge and messages only at first sounds cautious and reasonable.

cheninblanc · 10/12/2022 16:31

You are absolutely right to put controls in place to support and protect your children from him. Short visits only, and led by your children. I'm sorry your going through this, it is sad for everyone including extended family. Your putting your children first that is the right thing to do

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