Move, split or split move or don't move

[Joannagorilla]

Sorry for the awful title.
I ended my relationship on Monday after two years of us living two individuals who happen to live under one roof and share two children, and 16 years of mixed times before that. I don't think he expects me to follow through as he thinks growing up with two parents who dislike eachother, one always resentful and snippy at the other is normal, due to his upbringing.
We were in the process of moving, another attempt at a 'fresh start' but our buyers have pulled out so we are back at the viewings stage. Our house is not likely to sell quickly as it's really only cash buyers who can proceed.
I am torn between the following week options.
1.) wait to sell house and pay him his share back (20K), then buy a smaller property. Risk being that he thinks we'll get back together and I may relent out of laziness and fear of confrontation.
2.) ask family member to buy him out so I can remain in the property. This may not be possible as family are very much 'stay together for the children'
3.) wait to sell and then both buy flats out of the proceeds for stability.

I'm not sure if the bank will let me carry on paying the mortgage on my own. I could defo afford it but I have poor credit due to trying to buy experiences to make awful relationship better (not an excuse). He has no savings (not even enough for a months rent) and so the money from the house is the only way he is likely to be able to buy even a studio flat.
I really don't want to continue living together as he gets ideas that all is fine and I really really want to stick it out this time. He won't leave as 'he pays the mortgage too' and there is no family I can stay with. We have pets too so hard to move into rented. I'm also mindful that although we bicker and aren't happy, there isn't abuse and so it's very difficult to justify any urgent action.

3

How is the house actually owned? Is it clear that he just has a £20k investment in it?

@ArcticSkewer it's my family's home that we were able to buy. Therefore my share was much larger. Unfortunately it's in both our names.

So in reality he owns 50% of the house?

Or it's a % thing?
Just thinking about the practicalities once he realises you are selling up and he isn't invited.
It may cost a lot more than £20k to buy him out in that case.

If you bought it, it's no longer your families home. It's the home owned by you and your husband.
Did you buy as joint tenants or as tenants in common with a defined percentage owned by each person?
Joint tenants means it's likely to be owned 50/50 even if you put more money in unless you ring fenced deposits.

Sorry, just seen that you haven't specified married. The above still stands in relation to house ownership though. Ownership depends on the contract.

Why is it only suitable for cash buyers? Is it unusual construction?

If so I'd look to sell, keep your resolve to remain seperate and buy a flat each with the proceeds.

Why would you buy another property jointly with someone you've split from? Take that option out immediately.

I'd formalise the split. Sell he house and divide the money. If you're married, you may need to pay much more than £20k.

Thanks all, it seems like option 3 is the only realistic one. He did say that if we ever spilt he would let me take what I put into it, however got really huffy when I wanted to be tenants in common. So sad I let myself be swayed.

If you’re married, Legal advice will be the 50/50 route.
You would be very lucky to get away with anything less if you’re married!
Take your own legal advice before you do or try anything.
It would be option 3 for me.

Are you married?

You'll need to plot a financial path that works first. Find out what mortgage you can get on your own.

Don't buy a place together if you are sure you don't want to stay together.

We're not married

I'm the eldest of 4 siblings and say from experience growing up with parents who stayed together for 'the kids' has impacted on all 4 of us. Our understanding of what relationships and marriage should be was all wrong. All 4 of us wish they had spilt whilst we were young enough to adjust but now as adults we're the ones left to make the hard decisions about who we see at Christmas, who we invite to our celebrations because throughout their years of being unhappy but staying together for us, they grew to detest one another, making our lives as adults where it involves them difficult. My advice split while your kids have time to adjust and grow into the new family dynamics. Sorry this is a long reply I could give you loads more reasons not to stay together "for the kids"

@Lifesabiatch no we're definitely not planning to. It's just hard when I'm going to have to move out of a lovely three bed house to a two bed flat miles from school. That's going to be an adjustment too.

There won't be an easy way to make the adjustments to the new living arrangements but life with 2 happy parents in smaller houses/flats far outweighs living with 2 miserable parents bickering regularly.

One of you need to make the first step, if he can't afford to rent he should contact the LA, Citezens Advice, Shelter or similar for support. If he won't do that then you should.

I've just been such an idiot. My family even strongly suggested buying the house in my name, they said do not let him go on the deeds as he hasn't saved or put anything into it. I suppose I thought that we had two kids together and so were tied together anyway.

Don't beat yourself up with Hindsight. Use it to push forward and make the happy life you & your kids deserve. This will sound harsh and I apologise but don't let materialist things stop you from doing it, ie leaving your lovely 3 bed house for a 2 bed flat. Your kids will thank you one day.

In the end our parents relationship was so toxic and my mum was the one to leave the misery with the clothes on her back. 30 years of building a home and she left it all. I admire and love her for it. The fact my dad allowed that to happen causes me to resent him to an extent.

Step one I’d ask your family if they will help buy him out and check out the situation with the mortgage. Really spell out to your family how unhappy you are and what the situation is like for the kids. I’d see where to go from there, it seems worth at least trying to keep the house. Once you know about the mortgage situation you can make a back up plan for a smaller place if keeping the house doesn’t go to plan. Maybe he would accept £20k now and £xx when the youngest child is 18 if it came to it but I’d go in to negotiations acting like “of course your share is £20k, that’s what we agreed”.

on the emotional front, I think you need to tell yourself it’s over, it’s just the practicalities to deal with. Make a list of reasons why it’ll never work and a list of things to look forward to in future without him.

Buy him out. Make him an offer with family help and negotiate your way through if you can.

And then work out how to co parent without lowering your boundaries.

It is very easy to convert a joint tenancy to a tenancy in common. Your partner/ex does not need to agree.

More info here.

www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership/change-from-joint-tenants-to-tenants-in-common

Having said that I have no idea what the implications are of that for how much his ´share' of the house should be.