To wonder if I’m the toxic one

[Nomorechocolateorange]

Just feeling really sad about family situation today.

imagine two women. The first one has a fantastic relationship with her mum. They do everything together - holidays, spa days, lunches. Her mum is her biggest supporter and is always there for her. She is a wonderful grandmother to her two children and sees them all the time and totally spoils them. This woman thinks she has the best mother in the world and will defend her to the hilt if anyone says otherwise.

The second woman has always been hated by her mum who has said and done some of the nastiest, most hurtful things imaginable during her life until she went NC a few years ago. When this woman was caught up in a seriously physically and emotionally abusive relationship her mother refused to help her and when she finally managed to get out of it her mother told her there must be something about her that caused her abuser to behave that way and that her sister would never have found herself in that situation. Throughout her childhood her mother told her she hated her and when she got pregnant told her she couldn’t imagine a baby in there but a disgusting tumour growing. And on and on into adulthood. This woman’s mother does not acknowledge her grandchildren even on birthdays since going NC.

It probably won’t surprise you that I’m the second woman and the first woman is my sister.

I don’t know what’s set me off today but it just occurred to me that I would always have described my family as toxic. But once I went NC and took myself out of the picture they’re actually a really happy, loving family with my dad and so I can’t help wondering if, if it’s me that makes the whole thing toxic, then I am the toxic one?

I honestly don’t think I deserved the way my mum treated me this way and just struggling with everything this morning.

My first thought is that the 'toxic one' never, ever asks the question or even has the thought of whether they're the toxic one, so on that basis, it's not you x

They do if they want a pity party

This. It’s bloody bizarre isn’t it? I’m a bit of a true foster carer book junkie (Cathy glass etc) and I can’t get my head around cases like these. I’m sure a lot of people on here have read ‘a child called it’ (if I remember it correctly), and it’s about a boy who was so badly abused that it was stated by the judge as the worst case of child abuse that had ever been recorded in that state. Yet his siblings were treated like kings. Trust me op. It isn’t you x

Thanks everyone for your kind replies - Lurpak, I'm going to ignore what you've written. I'm going to read up on some of the stuff recommended and follow those instagram accounts. Just having a difficult day with it all today but replies have really helped. x

School bitches also seem to be very happy in their friendships, but it doesn't exclude the fact they are often toxic bullies. Your mum is vile. What she said about your baby, it's just beyond my imagination. You've done the right thing going NC. Have you considered counselling? Sometimes you need it to move on.

OP I've had a similar experience.

I know some days it can really get to you, even years after. That is how important being a mother is. Some people are just not fit to be mothers.

I just want to let you know you're not on your own. What you are feeling is normal. Getting over it isn't easy. But make it your mission to break the cycle. This is something you can take pride in.

Gosh how terribly sad. Given that your mother seems to have made up her mind she didn't love you even before you were born, I doubt you are the toxic one.

Lurpack what??? If her mum said those things then there isn’t too much room for doubt.

re being a bad fit:- let’s say a highly sensitive child is brought up harshly, left to sort out their problems and constantly criticised- they will really struggle; whereas an extrovert might thrive and brush off criticism. They might reject the parent who has not met their needs who then rejects them back and the cycle perpetuates. The extrovert won’t feel the same way about their childhood. Neither can help who they are and how they behave.

Of course you are, as this post wasn’t done in good faith.

You don’t want to be told you are the toxic one, you’re merely posting to get sympathetic replies to fuel your victim complex (as many self proclaimed black sheep do)

@Lurpackintheback

I think you need help, if you think your comments are the slightest bit reasonable or decent.

Unless, of course, you're Nomorechocolateorange's 'mother'.

Key there is ‘if’

two other people have said the OP isn’t correct in her recollection of those events and comments, some sensitive children do exaggerate or misremember, my DH is one, he is convinced a certain incident happened as a child, but there is a home video showing that very moment and to anyone that’s not him can see it’s not nearly as bad as he remembers it, he perceives it to be a lot worse.

This is extremely common.

Lurpack here is a great example of why you just go NC with toxic family members. They will deny, minimise, twist and accuse you of being crazy WHATEVER you say. No matter how many witnesses, etc. You can’t win and you can’t change them; all you can do is walk away, not ever let them touch with you again and build a good life for yourself.

Even if they admit it all, they will say they “had” to or that it was your fault or that they were abused and didn’t know any better etc.

I would suggest counselling and help to learn to set boundaries. All the best.

Throughout her childhood her mother told her she hated her and when she got pregnant told her she couldn’t imagine a baby in there but a disgusting tumour growing. And on and on into adulthood.

Good grief! That is absolutely disgusting! What language to use about their own child?! I am so sorry you have been made to feel this way. For your own health, you have done the right thing to go NC.

Easier said than done but you do need to move on and build a new life without them. Wishing you luck.

Well OP, I believe you and family members can be very good at not seeing what they don't want to see. In my experience a lot of people are guilty or understating their experience within a toxic family - so many times when things were brushed under the carpet and ignored - seeing the truth can be very difficult and in a lot of peoples experience very isolating. I would recommend counselling OP to work through your own experience.

Are you OP's mother or sister?

my DH is one, he is convinced a certain incident happened as a child, but there is a home video showing that very moment and to anyone that’s not him can see it’s not nearly as bad as he remembers it, he perceives it to be a lot worse

But to your dh the incident was as bad as he remembers it, as it was his experience with it. I'm sure he has a long history leading up to that point which is why it was worse for him than others feel it should be. I had an experience once, my mum and brother were laughing at me for how I washed some vegetables. To them I was being silly, but to me it was the pivotal moment that made me run away. The phrase the straw that broke the camels back comes to mind.

Put your past into a paper bag, and put it on the fire. That’s it, it’s gone, and the people who were in the bag don’t exist anymore.
Be free of it
💐

@Lurpackintheback your comments are foul.

People generally only want a pity party if they haven’t been given enough love and compassion in childhood, or if they’re raving narcissistic. OP doesn’t show signs of the later as they’re questioning and have the capacity for self-reflection.

Often people who judge the need for compassion are those who haven’t had enough in childhood, so you may well be projecting.

Lovely in an ideal world, but we’re actually humans with emotions that need to be processed! It’s really important to allow people a grieving process, to allow and accept that they will feel angry, sad, depressed etc about their past. When they’re allowed to feel those feelings, they will naturally progress to more positive feelings all by themselves. It’s a painful and beautiful process.

Lurpack Fuck off.

Look at the Royal Family.

Harry can quite genuinely say that he was devastated and alone after Diana’s death, and didn’t get the love or support he needed. That his wife was hounded and they fear for their life. It’s all true.

Prince Charles can be bewildered having tried his best and from a generation where you keep a stiff upper lip and don’t show emotion, and from a generation where racism and respect for elders was the norm. He can act hurt and Horrified at Harry’s truth bombs. He seems quite decent so he’s probably not wrong either.

But neither is understanding the other, both are angry and in the toxic shot show that has followed, each side is saying worse and worse things.

Best thing any of them could do is just never interact with each other. The gulf and the hurt is too great.

I feel this is why you should get some distance and perspective. It is not a relationship that can be healed.

My point was that Neither Harry or King Charles are toxic but it’s a bad fit of a relationship.

William seems to have a better relationship with his father.

So, this is how your mum can be toxic to you but not to your sister and others.

You are not the toxic one, you have been cast as the scapegoat and emotionally abused.

I don't think it's a coincidence you ended up in an abusive relationship.

But the OPs mother is clearly toxic? So I don't understand the comparison if I am honest. This isn't a bad fit of a relationship. This is a daughter who was resented before she was even born - and it never went beyond that by the sound of it.