To find care work too emotionally hard

[Rolaskatox]

I've been doing it in various capacities for just over 2 years, but the main thing I struggle with is becoming attached to the residents and them passing away.
We had a lovely gentleman who quickly declined, became skeletal and had the motted hands similarly to what the Queen had had before her death, so I knew he didn't have long.
I'm bank staff so not there all the time, but I went into his room the other day and all his stuff was cleared out so i knew he'd gone, still feel upset about it.
I know it's the circle of life and these people are in the main in their 90s, so at least they've had a very long life. I'm considering leaving the industry as I'm finding the frequent deaths too distressing, does anybody else manage to cope with this or ended up leaving too?

I can understand it completely. But what you do is wonderful for those people. You helped give them a good end of life when there was no one else around who could. Don't think that you're sad they're gone, think of how good you made their life while they were alive. And their death has enabledgone you to do give that care to someone else in need.
But it must be so sad. Take care of yourself.

Care work is incredibly hard.
The emotional side is harder than the physical work sometimes... but also part of the reward.
You have to hold on to the thought of what you are doing for your residents, caring for them, socialising, brightening their days, making a home for them where they are safe and looked after as individuals.
It gets to you... really gets to you.. but only if you care and do the job properly... as you obviously are.
Can you speak to your line manager to see if there is any support available for you to talk things through.
People like you are gold...

Do you have any support or supervision from management structures to talk about these things?

Care work is incredibly demanding for a whole number of reasons, and it is vital that staff are well supported to deal with all aspects of their jobs. Unfortunately, society in general does not value this work as much as it should do, and many care staff can struggle without proper support.

Also, if you are religious, or even if yor'rr not, does the care home have a Chaplin or other religious visitors? These people are usually very skilled at talking through issues/feelings/emotions that arise from death, perhaps you could chat to them at the end or beginning of the shift?

Thanks for doing this work, it is a very important job.

Hi,

I work in social care, but we mainly work with younger people with a range of different support needs. Occasionally people will die, but the company I work for is nearly 50 years old and the young people we started supporting all that time ago have got older with us (it’s not a frequent occurrence). Mostly the work involves helping people live their lives to their fullest… some people have written books and all sorts! If you’ve ever read ‘Made Possible: Stories of success by people with learning disabilities’ the company I work for appears in there (other companies too… it’s an inspiring positive read)

Maybe you need a change, but it could be that the change is a different type of social care.

Thanks a lot for the kind words. People seem to just get on with it, which isn't wrong, everyone deals with it differently. I will enquire about support from management, no chaplain sadly.
Thank you, I feel proud to do the job

That sounds a really interesting book, thank you!

@Rolaskatox - I’m a nurse and have worked in a wide range of clinical specialties including oncology and as a palliative care nurse. Currently I am working in the care home sector. The trouble is that the sector really needs people like you who clearly are indeed caring and empathic - but the flip side is you are struggling to cope with it. I really hope you can get support and remain in the profession as every day I am dealing with problems which come from “carers” who are just in it for the money.

For those saying “it doesn’t pay well” - it does if you do agency and agree to last minute shifts. Around £20 an hour plus for some agency carers who have no connection with the residents, do the bare minimum and then walk away with £200+ for an 11 hour shift. They know they can get away with doing very little as there will always be another shift to fill somewhere.

so the sector really does need people like you. 🌺

I have lost count of how many people I have sat with, while on end of life. Many who I have looked after for years.

The hardest one, was a sudden death, needed to do resuscitation with another carer. Had some counselling, with a manager who came in during the night it happened.

I was a nurse for 6 years and felt the same every time. I have a lot of empathy and like you do felt that others just got on with it. I think that iv ended up with some sort of PTSD.

I really think that you need to talk to someone about it. Maybe work colleagues feel the same but don't show it as everyone thinks everyone else is just getting on with it.

Maybe work can help. It may be worth asking as feeling like this you may end up emotionally burnt out.

I did various types of care and support work when I was younger and, to be honest, never really found a foolproof method of dealing with the emotional weight of things. While there were deaths which deeply upset me, what I probably found saddest during my time in work were the lives of some of the people we were working with, especially when in mental health and substance abuse.
It wasn't the reason I left, but I certainly wouldn't blame anyone if it was. You're doing an extremely valuable job, OP, but it shouldn't be to your own detriment. Good luck with whatever you decide.

My mum is in care, and I dearly hope she has someone like you with her when I can't be.
The sad and cruel thing is that those of you who do what is most important don't get properly valued, not just in pay (though that too!) but in support.
But I'm so grateful. Please know that.

The care industry needs people like you. You are having a positive impact while these people are at end of life. Your empathy will be visible to these elderly patients. I have a family member in care who sounds like you, she eventually was able to tell herself how she would rather be there and have that positive impact that not be there and someone leave a negative impact when the residents needed them most. This is what gets her through and has almost toughened her so that she doesn't get too down when she loses a resident anymore x

You should be proud. You’re making a difference.

I worked in the care sector for many years. I loved it, and met such interesting people. The down side was the uncaring behaviour of some of my colleagues. I think that talking to a supportive senior colleague could be useful. It's a heavy burden to carry otherwise. I hope you find some meaningful help.

I work in mental health and have worked with three people who died (two suicides, one natural causes that nobody could have predicted). I'm still struggling with the aftermath of one in particular (I believe it was preventable. I guess the coroner will decide if it was). I changed to a different client group so I wasn't constantly managing suicide risk. Could you do something similar? Maybe move to learning disabilities or children? At least until you feel ready to be back in older adults?

What a fabulous carer you sound OP. It would be a real shame if your residents and colleagues lost you. Does it give you any comfort to remember that very old people in their final years are mostly very calm and philosophical about death? It is generally not something they want to avpid iyswim. My Mum in a care home is so deeply grateful for everything done for her and being there is making her feel safe, secure and happy. She speaks about death quite a lot. She has experienced so much loss - just because she has outlived all her friends and relatives - that death is almost a part of her life now. I think most elderly people are not sad themselves at the prospect of dying. Thanks for the great work you do 💐.

Thanks everyone this does help a lot :)

Yeah nursing is the same emotional burn out with not much respect or payment. Shifts change last minute and unsocial patterns.