Teachers - I need advice!

[Teacherneedshelp]

Posting a bit for traffic here and name changed in case outing.

How do you cope with children you really don’t like? I teach a child in a one-to-one situation and she is rude and sullen. I try to be breezy, but tonight’s conversation went like this:

Me: How did your lesson at school go?
Her: Well, my teacher doesn’t understand why you and I don’t know what standard I’m at.
Me…your teacher thinks I don’t know what standard you’re at?
Her…well no…
Me… your teacher doesn’t think YOU know what standard you’re at?
Her…I guess….

I WANTED to say ‘ the reason I don’t know where you’re at is because any attempt at asking you questions to assess your understanding renders you utterly mute and you stare out of the window’. But that seemed too confrontational.

I said ‘well hopefully in your lessons at school it will become clear’. She thrust some chocolates at me and stomped out of the room (last lesson of term)

I do not want to teach this child. I have asked her parents to find her another tutor but they want her to stay with me. Please, fellow teachers, help me be bright and breezy when faced with sullen teenager! Any tips/stock phrases?

I’d be honest with the parents and her. Say there’s a personality clash and you can’t reach her as she doesn’t respond to you. She sounds awful!

I wish I could. Unfortunately I’m stuck with her. I’m planning to ask her dad to sit in during the lessons which might help, but I still need to work on my breeziness!

I did tutoring briefly on the side.

I had 1 student who couldn't give a damn about the subject or their progress in it either with me or at school, neither would their parents apply any pressure for them to do the additional work required to address some key areas of weakness. I decided that from then on I would explicitly ask whether the student wanted tutoring ask a vetting question and be clear with parents that if they didn't then it would be a waste of their money on which basis I would give notice to quit.

Be honest with the parents

You are not stuck with her at all. All you would have to do is say unfortunately you can't offer your services anymore.

Why are you stuck with her? Just say you aren’t doing it.

I’m employed by a company so I don’t have autonomy in these situations. There would be a financial loss.

I'm a teacher but have honestly never not liked a child. There is always something to like if you get to know them. I appreciate that must be harder if you are only seeing them 1:1 for an hour of tutoring. In your position, I would try harder to build a relationship first. It doesn't sound as if she enjoys the sessions either. Can you just chat for a bit, find out what she's interested in, feign interest in TikTok or something? Be honest - I have to teach this to you today. It might be boring but it's important. Go in with a plan of what you have to do, will do if she's receptive etc

Sullen often means shy, embarrassed, don't know how to connect.

Your conversation was stilted but I'm not entirely sure that particular one was all her fault tbh.

Wouldn't the better follow up question have been 'why does she think I don't know what standard you're at?' Or 'of course I know what standard you're at' or 'well I don't know because you don't know and can't tell me'

I’ve tried asking her about other stuff going on in her life (mostly school related, concerts, sports days etc) but I get grunts or even once, in response to ‘how did the concert go’, she replied ‘what do mean?’, in a tone that suggested I’d asked something utterly outrageous. Maybe I should try TikTok….

@donttellmehesalive i know what you mean, but I was so taken aback by what she said (and the fact that she was smirking while she said it) that I knew I had to tread carefully.

Maths teacher here.... whether you like a child is neither here nor there.

You don't say how old this child is, or what subject you tutor. I find that in maths, children (from year 7 to year 13) are often very hesitant when asked questions on a one-to-one basis because it is a very black and white subject and most people don't want to get things wrong, especially in front of someone they don't really know. From the conversation you describe, she is not very good at communicating, rather than being unlikeable.

My best advice would be set her up to succeed. Ask lots of questions you know she can answer, then slip in the odd one that is a (tiny) bit more challenging. Heap on the praise.... build up her confidence! If she requires tutoring in your subject, she has probably spent a long time feeling rubbish about it and children express low self esteem in all sorts of unlikely ways.

I’m not a teacher but am the daughter, sister and granddaughter of teachers if that counts for anything!

I don’t think you SHOULD be breezy. She’s being incredibly rude - why should you continuously allow that to pass?

I think you should be clearer with the parents that she will not engage with you at all and that it’s seriously detrimental to her ability to progress.

With rude-child, you should be straightforward and professional but stop trying to win her round. If she is constantly rude to you and gets nothing but smiles and small talk as a consequence, you are reinforcing her negative behaviour.

That’s a good point - it might be a communication issue. It’s not a self esteem thing though I don’t think. At least not in the subject I teach - she’s very talented and comes to me for extra work to stretch her in ways she doesn’t get in school. And I know she doesn’t like being put on the spot question-wise but that’s how we’ve ended up with me not being able to give her a grade or standard!

@DoloresOnTheDottedLine thank you - I do agree! Unfortunately teaching these days seems to be focused on winning the children round, and if we can’t, it’s our fault! I’ve taught for 20 years and never had such problems before so I don’t think it’s that I’m a terrible teacher. But this one has me flummoxed!

If you've explained to the parents why you don't think it is working and they still want to send her to you, I'd grit my teeth and think of the money!