Christmas

[StanleyPaul12]

I have three siblings. Two live in New Zealand and rarely come home. The other in France. DF in southern England and DM in Ireland. I am in the midlands (when i refer to 'home', i mean where i live aka a mile or so from where siblings and i grew up). Over the years, my family has spread out but we still have a couple of cousins living closeby to me, who siblings and i also grew up with. For the past decade, iv gone to one of my cousins for Christmas (who loves hosting and always wants everyone to go to theirs) and DF has stayed with DH and I for the Christmas week sometimes longer and closer to a fortnight, depending on what day Christmas falls. It is great to see DF but its hard work. He expects to be pretty much waited on and is very opinionated whether its food we are eating, tv we are watching etc.

DM always comes home for Christmas too, and stays with a friend but comes to my cousins for Christmas day. Sibling in France comes back every few years and usually stays with me either alone or with his DW, and also comes to cousins on Christmas Day.

For the past few years, i have began to resent hosting DF. Its just expected by everyone in the family that he will stay with me. I have asked sibling in France if they would consider hosting DF this year, he said no due to having plans in France.

DM is choosing to stay in Ireland this year and has extended family she will spend the day with.

I feel terrible that if i dont host DF, he will be alone at xmas and not through choice. Do i suck it up or say that its not possible this year? Dh and i have never been to his side of the family for xmas because of this expectation for me to host DF. We might also like a Christmas to ourself. I am almost in my third trimester and finding pregnancy tough going. Im not sure if im being overly emotional but I just wish my other siblings would take some responsibility.

I think just over 2 weeks before Christmas is a little late in the day to tell him this. Everyone else, friends wise, will surely have made plans by now.

It's too late for this year but start telling everyone on your side now that you are spending next year with your in laws so won't be able to host your father. Tell him this too. Then you can leave it for them to sort out.

Part of the issue is, we havent even heard from DF. No idea when he plans to come or for how long. Its just been assumed for so many years now he can turn up and go when he likes. Its just too much for me at the moment. I think il need to phone and offer a night or two and thats it. I am so stressed, its just too much.

It's to late to cancel completely, I would have him Christmas Eve to the day after Boxing Day though and just say that's enough this year.
I would be telling siblings NOW though that next year it's their turn so they have a year to plan as you'll be busy.

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks you are right. I should have dealt with it before now. I could cry.

If he’s in Southern England and you’re in the Midlands just tell him this year you’re struggling with pregnancy etc and he’s invited Christmas Eve until Boxing Day. Two weeks is ridiculous to be staying with someone unless they’re travelling from Australia or something.

It’s not fair to resent siblings who literally live on the other side of the world because you don’t want to put a boundary in. What do you expect someone living in NZ to practically do? Ok, French sibling could perhaps offer but it’s a difficult time of year to travel, it’s not much notice…

Next year start making noises very early that now you have a child you want to do things differently.

Why not just say to him that you’re struggling and that it’s an invitation for a night or two only. And also let him know that because you’re in third trimester everyone will need to pitch in.

2 nights maximum and consider paying for a hotel /B&B nearby for just this year? They are paid to wait on him then! Or can he stay with the family members that love to host? Could you ask them?

January the 1st tell the siblings you have more than done your share of Christmases and now they have plenty of notice to organise the next one.

Otherwise can you stay close to him for a night or two in a hotel, pref somewhere with a spa and pregnancy treatments and go out for lunch locally to him? Then you have covered Christmas without doing very much at all.

I’d reduce the time he can stay this year to a few days. Start to set the scene now that going forward, with a new baby you’ll be looking to do things differently in future and that you’ll probably alternate seeing DH family/ seeing your family and having Christmas yourselves over the next years.

@Whatifiwereareindeer no, i dont expect NZ siblings to be able to help but catching the eurostar or a flight to Paris is not difficult. I should definitely have put up boundaries before now its just i seem to be the only one that cares.

@Venetiaparties i have looked into hotels for xmas over the last few days. Most nearby seem to be sold out for the Christmas lunch but the stays are also v expensive. We cant really afford it unfortunately before i go on mat leave or id 100% do that and say to DF that's this years plans please come along.

DH used to stay with cousin at xmas as they have a huge house but cousin stands up to DF more than i do and doesnt just jump ever time DF needs a drink etc and DF doesnt like that. Cousin also said in the past that DF could only stay for a couple of nights as they found the long stays too much.

I think i need to grow a backbone. Im only sorry that I'm still going to have to go through with it this year as i really but i accept its my own fault.

Sorry that meant to say DF used to stay with cousin, obviously my DH is welcome at home 😀

Just tell him he's most welcome to stay for 2-3 nights but you are pregnant and tired so won't be waiting on anyone. Just don't do it. Tell him his welcome to help himself to anything. No wonder he stays for 2 weeks if you act like his servant!

I’d call him tonight and tell him you’re struggling in your pregnancy and he is welcome to come over for 2-3 nights maximum.
Next year will also be babies first Christmas so you might also not want DF over for a fortnight.
A fortnight seems a long time as well for him to stay over, do you think that maybe you don’t want to upset him so you have been struggling to put boundaries in?
I think maybe suggest he goes to your siblings in France next year

@MRSDoos yes,iv definitely struggled with boundaries. I hate upsetting people particularly my parents and i bend over backwards to help them all the time. I am always going out of my way to help others even if it causes an issue for me. I dont no why i bother. My other siblings phone my parents for the odd chat but dont make additional effort.

Since the pregnancy iv noticed iv became more selfish and less willing to accept being the family pushover. I think it will cause upset but in the long run i hope everyone can understand.

DF lives where he does for work. He doesnt have any proper friends where he is. The people he knows are back where i live so he likes being at mine too so he can catch up with people.