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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend Xmas with dsis cheating partner

26 replies

Lemontree23 · 07/12/2022 12:07

I love my dsis and we are really close. Unfortunately dsis has a really bad track history of men and the one she is with now is no different. They have been together for half a decade for context. It has recently come out that he has done the very cliche messaging a woman from work thing. Not sexually but definitely inappropriately. To me it looks like he is trying to buy his luck and see if she takes the bait.

So the issue is and that my family don't like dsis partner regardless of this for other reasons such as he talks to her like crap, does nothing but drinks and smokes, is immature and treats her badly in her vunerable time of need during a health crisis. Dsis constantly moans about him and they are never on good terms but for some reason or another she stays with him so we all just get along with it to respect her decision. Until now.

With this new revelation I have decided I am uncomfortable proceeding with our Christmas plans where it was to be dsis and him and dparents and me and dp all get together. I was meant to buy him a gift and have dinner with him. I have told dparents I am not happy with this and although I won't go against what dsis decides and won't make a scene, I don't want to buy him a gift or feel forced to act even civil with him on Christmas day. I don't want it to come across like I am enabling his behaviour towards dsis. I want him to know I very much do not stand for it even if she does.

Aibu to tell dsis I don't want to go ahead with the plans. I know she won't be happy and will most likely find a way to turn it on me. Dparents feel the same.

OP posts:
Peashoots · 07/12/2022 12:10

I totally understand why you feel like this, but please don’t alienate your sister. You’ll be playing right into his hands. It sounds like he’s abusive towards her and it will take strength and support for her to leave. I would grin and bear Christmas Day (don’t but him a gift, or buy him a really shitty token present) and welcome your sister. Imagine how crap her day will be if it’s just the two of them.

Original poster
Lemontree23 · 07/12/2022 12:11

@Peashoots sorry forgot to clarify we want dsis there ahundred percent. Just not him. He can go to his families or even better the other girl!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemontree23 · 07/12/2022 12:12

We would never isolate dsis. She is very much wanted. But if she choses to stay with him than us over Christmas that is up to her

OP posts:
Sprouttreesareamazing · 07/12/2022 12:13

I wouldn't be part of that farce either. He isn't worth having your Christmas ruined... Just tell them you are having a Christmas at home this year
. Suggest a meet up in a public place some time afterwards...

Original poster
Lemontree23 · 07/12/2022 12:15

@Sprouttreesareamazing I did say to dparents maybe me and dp will pop over briefly but not stay. Its going to make things complicated as we was all meant to have dinner together and now I'm not sure what would happen

OP posts:
Allinadayswork80 · 07/12/2022 12:16

I totally understand your feelings but all you will be doing is ruining your sister’s day and the rest of your family’s by causing a rift. I have strong principles and would also struggle in your situation but I would respect my sibling’s wishes and be there to support her if/when needed. Don’t alienate your sister, but instead maybe buy a crappy present or get something that sends a ‘message’ and if he makes any derogatory comments to or about your sister on the day then be quick to put him in his place or embarrass him.

Original poster
Lemontree23 · 07/12/2022 12:17

@Allinadayswork80 that seems worse to me as it will be causing a scene if I was to comment on his tone to my dsis and would cause tension for e eryone. Dparents feel very uncomfortable about all of this and they hate confrontation/tension

OP posts:
Peashoots · 07/12/2022 12:17

The thing is though, she’s very unlikely to come if he isn’t welcome. Imagine how difficult that will be for her? It’s often not a case of her choosing to stay with him when relationships are abusive. My answer doesn’t change based on your update. Again, I totally sympathise with you and understand as I have been virtually exactly where you are now and it’s tough.

TidyDancer · 07/12/2022 12:18

I understand how you feel but I don't think forcing your sister's hand on this is the way I'd go. If she's even slightly inclined to get defensive about her relationship you run the very real risk of pushing her away and making it harder for her to turn to you for support. You might inadvertently extend the relationship.

I wouldn't exactly welcome him with open arms but I think uninviting him entirely isn't what I would do.

Original poster
Lemontree23 · 07/12/2022 12:20

@Peashoots maybe it would make her see sense? If she would rather stay with a cheater than her family (not that we are offering an ultimatum) then maybe it will make her realise how wrong this whole thing is. We have allowed her to coast in this awful relationship and be standers by for so long , doing something drastic may help or it may not

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemontree23 · 07/12/2022 12:21

This isn't even the first time he has tried it on with another woman! Don't know if that is a drip feed but it just fuels our anger with it all

OP posts:
Peashoots · 07/12/2022 12:21

In my experience, it won’t. It will push her away.
I really hope it’s different in your case 💐 but it’s a big risk to take. Good luck, whatever you decide to do. X

Crazykefir · 07/12/2022 12:21

What a horrible situation. I agree with the other pp refusing to have him for Christmas would alienate your sister.

Hoppinggreen · 07/12/2022 12:22

I would probably go, be lovely to everyone but be icily polite and nothing more to this knob head.
That way you support your sister but not her car crash of a relationship

Original poster
Lemontree23 · 07/12/2022 12:24

How annoying and frustrating. Seems he wins in everything he does to her. Never any repercussions.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 07/12/2022 12:25

This is so tough. I'd maybe create a few rules like no smoking in the house and no texting other women which may put him off attending! (Only joking on the second one). Is he buying you all presents? If not, doing get him one, wouldn't want him to be embarrassed.

Peashoots · 07/12/2022 12:28

Lemontree23 · 07/12/2022 12:24

How annoying and frustrating. Seems he wins in everything he does to her. Never any repercussions.

He won’t win forever. I promise. With my sister, I stopped pushing, acted neutral towards him. I would be honest in my reactions to his behaviour when she told me about it, every time. It made her question how “normal” it was (he had convinced her he acted the way all men do, this is just what relationships are like and she was crazy). Everyone has a last straw. She left him of her own volition eventually with massive support from the family but it was her choice. She will get there eventually. It’s horrible in the mean time though.

Crazykefir · 07/12/2022 12:31

I know op. If it was my sister I'd want to rip his bollocks off. I've had a history of awful boyfriends myself, I got out with support of my family and friends.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 07/12/2022 12:51

This is a really hard situation but I agree with PPs, in inviting him won’t teach him a lesson or show her how bad he is. She’s in the midst of an abusive relationship - all it will do is potentially cause him to be nasty to her because she’s been discussing him with you, and also force her to take sides, in which case she HAS to take his or admit it’s over. As she clearly isn’t ready to end it, all you can do is decide whether you want a relationship with her or not. You can speak to her beforehand and say that while you don’t like him, she’s always welcome, and you’ll welcome him for her sake. But that any sign of shitty behaviour from him will be challenged. I’ll bet he’ll be on his best behaviour as these types often save their nastiness for in private.

You stand a very real risk of losing her if you make her choose. I’ve been her, trauma bonded, giving a shitty man a second chance, and I would have done anything to prove myself worthy of his love. Now o see it clearly but I cut off friends, family, Mumsnet (honestly he hated me coming on here as I always got told to LTB!), anyone who didn’t approve got sidelined because he was my one true love and my destiny. I saw sense in the end and so will she, but please don’t give up on her because she’s taking too long.

5128gap · 07/12/2022 13:01

I can understand why you don't want to buy a gift for and socialise with this odious sounding man, and are well within your rights to refuse to do so for your own sake.
However, if your motivation is to act in your sisters interests, it will missfire. Refusing to be part of the Christmas events won't make an iota of difference to how he treats her, or her willingness to tolerate it. She won't see it as a gesture of principle, but as you forcing a him or me choice upon her. So all in all, her situation will be worse if you refuse to go.
Unless of course you really can't attend and disguise your feelings, which would lead to an atmosphere or scene. In that case I'd be making a tactful excuse why I couldn't go. Bit there is nothing to be gained by an announcement you won't go because of him.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 07/12/2022 13:20

My ds was with a gf who was seriously damaging his mh. . Think on a bridge episode.. We refused to be around her... We were not going to show any support for their relationship whatsoever.. Even when they got engaged we didn't go.
He realised himself what she was doing to him and ended it with her..
If we had shown any support he would have stayed with her imo.

B00B · 07/12/2022 13:38

I wouldnt alienate her by imposing these rules regarding him. Its her choice, she's a grown up. I wouldn't be buying him a present, but the rest I'd let my sister decide.

Original poster
Lemontree23 · 07/12/2022 17:23

@Sprouttreesareamazing this is exactly my feelings on it. I didn't buy him a gift at the very least will NOT be giving this an anything.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/12/2022 17:57

Such a tricky situation.
If you don't go, it could be isolating for your DSis
But
I think if you do go it could be papering over the cracks of an abusive relationship and playing temporary happy families, which will lead her to think... well that was alright then wasn't it?
In a way, it is prolonging the inevitable and could be condoning him. (depending on how unacceptable his behaviour is) maybe it could be an eye opener if you told your Dsis straight, how difficult you find being in his company because of how he treats her

We had similar in our family circle, It was such a relief when I no longer had to put up with his nastiness.

All I can suggest is support and see your DSis as much as possible, on her own if need be.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 07/12/2022 19:03

We - me, dh and his siblings stood firm.. When dd popped in for coffee she sat in the car with the engine running. He could see how bad that was...

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