To not want DH to take this job?

[Lavenderleopard]

My DH currently works in a well paying job which he has enjoyed until the last few months. He regularly goes away for 2-3 weeks as a time, I struggle with the 3 week trips at times but I get on with it.
This week he has been offered a new job with an equivalent salary but a different company where he thinks he will be happier. This job would mean trips away for 6 weeks at a time but then equivalent time off when he got home.
I am expecting a baby in the next few months and am really worried about being on my own with a very small baby for 6 weeks at a time. I am also worried that DH and baby won't bond as well if they spend so long apart.
AIBU to be unhappy about this? I know DH is very unhappy where he is but I feel like I'll basically become a single parent when he's away. He's been applying for jobs for the last 6 months and this is the first one he's been offered that makes financial sense.

YANBU. I wouldn't have wanted to be alone for 6 days with a newborn, let alone 6 weeks! It's difficult if he's not happy where he is, but this move would be really bad timing for the family I think.

It's very hard that he's unhappy, but 6 weeks away sounds far, far too much with a very young baby. Presumably he was also part of the decision to have a child!

It would just be exchanging his unhappiness for yours from the sounds of it. Very tough, but I think he needs to hang on and keep applying. Can you afford a salary drop at all? Will you be going back to work?

I will be going back to work but not until the end of next year. We can't afford for him to take a lower paying job than he's in at the moment because my wages will be a lot lower on maternity leave.
I had a job I hated before and was desperate to leave but was able to find a similar role in a different department which didn't really affect our lives, I feel like this is different.
Does anyone else have a partner who works away for long periods? How do you cope?

I would find that very hard. Does it mean you could afford a nanny?

If he's away for 6 weeks, could you get a night nanny a few nights a week. And a babysitter some days, so you get the chance to go out alone for an hour.

I have a good friend who's DH works away for 3 at a time and to be honest I have seen their relationship go from bad to worse and he now regrets all what he has missed with the 3 kids from birth to the ages they are now (14+). So the 6 weeks thing is even worse in my opinion. Its q long time each time, but then it's also a long time to have him home for 6 weeks at a time. Its a tough one, I'd hate it.

No chance of affording a nanny, could possibly get a cleaner once a week to help though. My family are nearby which would be a great support but my parents are getting older and I don't want to be a burden on them. DH's family are quite far away and it would be difficult for them to help me.

I wouldn't think a parent should work away from a young baby for such long periods, if they have a choice. I don't think it is in the baby's best interest.

I agree with you. I live in a community where four weeks on, four off is very common. That is hard enough but when it goes over no one is happy.

The trouble is at that length you have to build your own life effectively as a single person. You have to spend a lot of time with friends etc for your sanity. But you can't just dump them or the routines you establish when the other person is home.
It means living separate lives and often breeds resentment. I would think very carefully about the impact it is likely to have on your marriage.

My brother used to do a fly in/fly out job which was 4 weeks on and 4 weeks off. It was difficult when he had kids - mainly for his wife who found it disruptive to have him coming and going and changing routines. childcare still had to be full time so still expensive because none could offer 4 weeks on and 4 off (understandably). She resented the freedom he had, and the lack of freedom she had.

He needs a new job if he's unhappy, but not this job. 6 weeks away is far too long with a young family.

I also live somewhere where a lot of people work offshore - 6 on 6 off is unusual but certainly 3 on 3 off. I think it is very tough on the partner left at home - not just when their partner is offshore and they’re running the show single handed but tbh also when their partner is home and all their routines etc get disrupted.

DH worked away a lot when ours were small and we were reflecting recently on how his relationship with the kids is so much better now that he’s not doing that. It’s really noticeable how much more our youngest goes to him for comfort etc than the others did at the same age. However, he was still working in the office when home - with a rotation like the one your husband is contemplating, he would get more time with the child on balance.

That is also part of what I'm worried about, that our child will be very dependent on me and less familiar with their dad. I know it's nothing like the same but we have a cat just now and when DH has been away for 3 weeks the cat is less sure of him and is very clingy to me.
I feel really bad like I'm holding him back because I know he's unhappy and it might not be 6 weeks all the time, it could be 4 weeks sometimes instead but I know I already get into my routine. When he's been away 3 weeks I start to dread him coming back at times because I'm going from being in control of everything to having to accommodate someone else and let him feel he has control.

Depends a bit on what would happen in the time off - 6 weeks at a time at home with baby and with no job pressures could be good.

I think you need to sit him down and explain that:

a) it is going to have a massive impact on his relationship with his child. Small children won't bond the same with someone whose away that much, school age children won't have him included in their 'normals'. He's going to miss huge chunks of their lives, including a lot of their firsts and important events.

b) it is going to have an equally massive impact on his home life. In effect, you'll have to set up your own life, friends, hobbies etc and they won't change just because he's home. He'll become a 3rd wheel in his own house, and there will be times when his being there is a problem for you not a positive, because he'll be disruptive.

Spell it out, as clearly as you can, and don't mince words about it. Make it clear he's not going to be able to just swan in and out all on his own terms. Then, all you can do is leave him to it.

Difficult one. I guess 6 weeks can seem a long time but then being locked into a job you hate is my idea of hell, in fact, I simply couldn't do it. Ideally, it would make sense for your husband to pass on this opportunity and keep looking but if this one has taken six months then that's a big ask. The consequence of that is he will take the next one, irrespective; you can't keep showing him the red card.

You may find it helps to talk to some Army wives, or perhaps they have a support website you can click on.

He isnt happy. This one makes financial sense. 3 weeks or 6 weeks will make no difference to baby although he will probably miss baby more.

It will be hard but if no alternative that work then I wouldnt discourage him. You might be unhappy, he is already unhappy.

In the current climate if he’s unhappy where he is and this is a firm offer I’d take it with a view to moving elsewhere in a couple of years.

The 6 weeks he’s away are strongly mitigated by the fact he will then have 6 weeks off - when he’s got plenty of time to bond with the baby and hang out with the baby. It’s effectively like parental leave.

Some people work away for longer than that, it can be made to work.

bond with the baby and hang out with you

My partner used to work away for 4 months at a time. He went when our eldest was 3 months and came back when she was 7 months. It can be pretty brutal doing it on your own especially when they seem to decide to give up sleeping but it's doable if you have a decent system in place and support around you. Helped that I knew it was for a set amount of time and then he'd be back to get involved (take all the night feeds while I slept like the dead for a month)