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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you stand up for yourself?

15 replies

Cw112 · 07/12/2022 00:29

Long story short I was out today with DC (newborn) and had a bit of an uncomfortable moment with a stranger who was just a bit overly invested in DC. It took me ny surprise and at the time I didn't want to be rude and I don't honestly think they meant any harm but I was so cross at myself afterwards for not shutting down the conversation sooner. I just froze and defaulted to being polite instead of acting on what I actually thought/felt. It made me wonder how you get to be good at standing up for yourself and saying what you think at the time without caring what anyone thinks? I hate confrontation and am a bit of a people pleaser at times. I often come away from situations later and kick myself thinking about what I should have said/done and it's something I'd really like to work on - has anyone else overcome this/ found any strategies that helped you speak up in the moment?

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 07/12/2022 00:45

Practice. Consider this a learning experience. How would you have liked to have responded? Keep that in mind should there be a next time. It's okay and good to have boundaries and protect your child. If the other person reacts badly, that's not your problem and doesn't mean you did anything wrong.

SavoirFlair · 07/12/2022 00:48

If someone was “overly invested” in my DC, I don’t think my first realisation would be to come on the Internet and crowdsource “strategies to help me speak up.”

but ok, you do you etc.

SomeBeings · 07/12/2022 00:57

I think taking a moment to think about the situation before racing in to react or reply is a good idea. I suspect sometimes I must come across a little dim as I pause a little in awkward situations.

For example if someone asks me a favour I pause and have a good think before either agreeing or not. It means I never agree to things I don't won't to do. I'm never rude but I don't make excuses.
Funnily enough this means people are actually more comfortable asking me for help as they know if I help it's genuine.

With strangers I keep interactions as brief as possible if they are negative interactions. If need be I keep my message short but clear. I repeat myself but I never get angry or rude.

It's liberating not thinking that you have to please everyone.

Original poster
Cw112 · 07/12/2022 01:45

SavoirFlair · 07/12/2022 00:48

If someone was “overly invested” in my DC, I don’t think my first realisation would be to come on the Internet and crowdsource “strategies to help me speak up.”

but ok, you do you etc.

Like I said it wasn't anything harmful or overly untoward. It was basically someone who was struggling with ttc and just was overstepping the boundaries because dc is only a few days old, I think they just got carried away. On reflection I just felt torn between wanting to do right by dc and feeling empathy for the woman at the same time. It just took me off guard and I was annoyed at myself for that.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 07/12/2022 01:53

SavoirFlair · 07/12/2022 00:48

If someone was “overly invested” in my DC, I don’t think my first realisation would be to come on the Internet and crowdsource “strategies to help me speak up.”

but ok, you do you etc.

Totally unhelpful.
OP is trying to learn and grow. She wants tips from more assertive people. What do you actually advise she should do?
I would say just remember the incident and just be more firm next time.

Keyansier · 07/12/2022 01:53

It sounds like you are overreacting IMO. I don't see how a stranger can be 'overinvested' in your baby, unless you are suggesting they were trying to kidnap them? Do you rather mean they were asking questions or saying comments about your baby and you felt uncomfortable with them doing so? That's not being overly invested, I think that's more you being paranoid.

Keyansier · 07/12/2022 01:55

SavoirFlair · 07/12/2022 00:48

If someone was “overly invested” in my DC, I don’t think my first realisation would be to come on the Internet and crowdsource “strategies to help me speak up.”

but ok, you do you etc.

I have to say I agree with this. Seems a bit attention seeking, just IMO.

Original poster
Cw112 · 07/12/2022 01:59

Keyansier · 07/12/2022 01:53

It sounds like you are overreacting IMO. I don't see how a stranger can be 'overinvested' in your baby, unless you are suggesting they were trying to kidnap them? Do you rather mean they were asking questions or saying comments about your baby and you felt uncomfortable with them doing so? That's not being overly invested, I think that's more you being paranoid.

No they were just very determined to get a cuddle and I can't really put a finger on it but it just felt like an overstep from someone I didn't know but it was clearly coming from her own place of wanting a baby of her own. I maybe was being a bit paranoid, like I said baby is only a couple of days old, I'm still recovering and it was our first trip out so I just wasn't expecting it from a total stranger so it made me uncomfortable. I just feel like I could have been a bit more assertive.

OP posts:
Keyansier · 07/12/2022 02:06

Cw112 · 07/12/2022 01:59

No they were just very determined to get a cuddle and I can't really put a finger on it but it just felt like an overstep from someone I didn't know but it was clearly coming from her own place of wanting a baby of her own. I maybe was being a bit paranoid, like I said baby is only a couple of days old, I'm still recovering and it was our first trip out so I just wasn't expecting it from a total stranger so it made me uncomfortable. I just feel like I could have been a bit more assertive.

Show quote history

You're coming across as a bit of a walkover OP, not trying to be nasty by saying that, but you do to me. But I can also completely understand where you're coming from - your baby is only days old, and think it's natural for you to be protective of them. But it doesn't sound like anything happened here! A stranger thought your baby was cute and wanted to cuddle them. That is not strange, that's normal. You are perfectly within your rights to allow or disallow people to touch your baby but I think claiming this as an 'uncomfortable moment' is a bit OTT! Unless they were trying to pick up your baby out of the pram with you telling them no then i'd say YABU.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 07/12/2022 02:13

It’s hard to verbalize, but there is a way to make your point without being rude. (Although in some circumstances it’s ok to be rude!)

when you get that uncomfortable feeling…I’m guessing you freeze. Then rationalize why it’s ok. The trick is to not let yourself get to the point of rationalization. Let yourself act on that that first instinct.

You don’t owe strangers anything… you can be civil and firm at the same time. You do owe your DC boundaries, so it’s ok to be firm.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 07/12/2022 02:16

SavoirFlair · 07/12/2022 00:48

If someone was “overly invested” in my DC, I don’t think my first realisation would be to come on the Internet and crowdsource “strategies to help me speak up.”

but ok, you do you etc.

What an unkind an unnecessary comment.

OP, as a PP said - practice. Do it once - just put your big girl pants on and say it. It makes it so much easier the next time. You will as a parent have to stick up for your child a billion times in their life so it’s definitely a skill worth honing.

Woopdaboo · 07/12/2022 02:29

if you have a newborn just remember you’re all over the place right now and dont give it anymore headspace . You’re overreacting/they’re unreasonable?!? Who knows….we all walk away from scenarios thinking “what if?”
Just smile and walk away. It was a stranger, theyll soon forget the interaction.

Original poster
Cw112 · 07/12/2022 02:29

"when you get that uncomfortable feeling…I’m guessing you freeze. Then rationalize why it’s ok. The trick is to not let yourself get to the point of rationalization. Let yourself act on that that first instinct."

That's exactly what I do, I think you just hit the nail on the head there. Obviously everything worked out OK and this wasn't a massive deal in itself but I think it just made me more aware that I want to be on top of things incase anything happened in the future so that I'm doing the best I can at laying good boundaries.

OP posts:
charmingthebirds · 09/12/2022 10:25

Do you think it might help if you came up with some simple phrases you could memorise and use if you ever need them again?

'Sorry, I'm not happy with that.'

'I'd rather not, thank you.'

'I'd rather you didn't.'

I've found this helpful myself, (as well as reminding myself that even though I am a woman, I am still allowed to put myself first and say 'no').

ilovesooty · 09/12/2022 10:32

charmingthebirds · 09/12/2022 10:25

Do you think it might help if you came up with some simple phrases you could memorise and use if you ever need them again?

'Sorry, I'm not happy with that.'

'I'd rather not, thank you.'

'I'd rather you didn't.'

I've found this helpful myself, (as well as reminding myself that even though I am a woman, I am still allowed to put myself first and say 'no').

You've had some unkind replies.

It would be helpful to memorise some stock phrases I agree. If you find it more helpful to take "I" out of the phrasing, another option is to say "Please don't do that". and move away.

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