*Trigger warning- sexual violence* To wish I'd told his new girlfriend what he did

[TalkMeOutOfIt]

My ex husband raped me after I left him in 2019. It wasn't violent, I fell asleep and he penetrated me whilst I was asleep and our son was downstairs. I had gone to the house to discuss divorce, we were upstairs whilst my son watched TV downstairs. Due to taking painkillers I basically fell asleep after refusing to let him kiss me as I said I had boundaries.

I woke up to my leggings pulled down and him inside.

I went home and he texted me begging for forgiveness. Originally I had decided our son would better off living with him rather than me, but after this I moved 25 miles away and my son and I settled. I submitted for divorce and listed the assault as one of the reasons, it was quickly granted. He sees his son every 2 weeks and is a good dad.

He has had a girlfriend for the past couple of years, she doesn't like me as he lied to her and said I was financially abusive and caused his depression by making him hate himself. He misses the part where I'd fall asleep when we were together and I'd wake up to his dick in my mouth.

I am pregnant with my new partner and due in a couple of months.

I have never told his girlfriend as he seems to have turned a corner. He's still pathetic and has lied to her, kept things hidden. I battle with the desire to tell her but I think it's more to ruin his life than anything and I believe that is not good motivation.

Just found out she is pregnant and it is planned. Part of me is filled with disgust that he's trapped her for 18 years without her knowing. The other part thinks people can change. They could be happy and he may never do anything like that again.

I don't know why I am so hung up on this. I've never had therapy but I'm not sure it would help with my burning desire to tell her. And that desire doesn't come from a healthy concerned place at all, it comes from a selfish place.

Please talk some sense into me.

She'll find out what he's like. She wouldn't believe you any way. Let it go. Focus on you.

She wouldn’t believe you as she’s already swallowed his lies about you.
She will come to learn the truth about him sadly, as these men never change. It’s likely he’s already done to her what he did to you but she’s stayed.

Focus on your new baby and the family you are creating and leave them to it.

I’m taking it you never reported it? Honestly I doubt she will care/ believe you and may look like you are storing especially as it wasn’t reported and so much time has passed he will talk his way out of it

Totally agree with the above comment. If you do or don't tell her - she won't believe you. Get on with your own life - leave them to theirs

Best advice someone gave me, is always think about the outcome you want, not just what you want to get off your chest (because in reality having a rant rarely gets you the outcome you want).

Have a think about what you TRUELY want. To get over what happened? To make him hurt like he hurt you? Anything else? Telling her won't achieve any of these things.

Don't tell her, as others have said, she won't believe you.
I think your strong desire to tell her now though is a sign you need to tell someone. Pregnancy can often be the trigger for repressed trauma to resurface so you may find a support group helpful.

You’d have been sold as the crazy ex so anything you say now will appear to support his narrative.

Time to move on. She’s an adult & this is not your responsibility.

Let her find out for herself. She will eventually x

She has probably already found it out for herself.

My son wouldn't be anywhere near him. Good Dad or not, if his morals are that low and he is capable of rape he could get to fuck if he thought he was setting eyes on my child.

I’m sorry that this happened to you. No, I wouldn’t tell her. I know you said you don’t think therapy would help but I think it would help you process your feelings about what he did to you.