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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have sent unwell DS to school

23 replies

fanati7303 · 06/12/2022 12:01

... except I don't know if he's unwell.

He's 14, for a while there's been odd days at least once a week where he says he has symptoms which vary everytime to vomiting, having an upset stomach etc so I keep him off school but by 11am he's fine, playing on his phone and watching tv etc which I allow when he's unwell as I don't see the point in punishing him for being unwell but I feel this is where I went wrong.

He came home from school and was fine then about an hour later he was hinting at being ‘unwell’ by saying his head hurt, he felt sick etc. Me and DP didn't react and he seemed to have given up. This morning when I got him up for school he said he was sick last night and he felt warm and unwell (he didn't have a fever to which he argued the thermometer was ‘wrong’). He got dressed very slowly whenever I tried to hurry him along he kept saying he felt sick. I sent him to school anyway but now I'm second guessing myself incase he genuinely is unwell this time.

Was I BU?

OP posts:

luxxlisbon · 06/12/2022 12:11

If he’s doing this regularly, at least once a week and always totally fine by 11am do you think he could be making it up?
Its not uncommon for kids to feign illness when they haven’t done their homework, or revised for a test or just don’t want to do a double maths class.

LeakyTapTap · 06/12/2022 12:12

Sounds like he's anxious about something at school. I'd ignore the illness stuff but dig into his school life and see what's going on.

Stressedmum2017 · 06/12/2022 12:18

Yeah there will be a reason he doesn't want to be at school (although that reason could literally just be he'd prefer to stay home!) but unfortunately there may end up being a boy who cried wolf situation... That's not your fault though op he may just have to figure it out the hard way.

Kanaloa · 06/12/2022 12:29

I think it’s a bit clouded because you haven’t really sent ‘unwell DS’ to school - you’ve sent DS who regularly pretend to be unwell to school.

I would be maybe sitting him down for a chat though. It could be anxiety, stress about something that’s happening, he could be getting bullied etc.

Kanaloa · 06/12/2022 12:30

I would also reframe it too - you aren’t punishing him for being unwell but allowing him plenty of rest time to relax. If he’s so unwell he can’t attend school he should be resting up. Or if he makes a recovery by 11am he could go in and do his afternoon lessons - there’s no point in him missing all the afternoon lessons if he’s suddenly recovered.

Sartre · 06/12/2022 12:33

He’s very obviously playing you to skive off and you absolutely shouldn’t facilitate this. I’d have a word with him to find out why he’s wanting to dodge school so much, could be bullying?

WetBandits · 06/12/2022 12:33

Does it happen on PE day or another lesson he doesn’t like, or a teacher he doesn’t get on with?

shard5 · 06/12/2022 12:47

Check his timetable and you might notice a pattern.
How is he on the homework front? Have you spoken to him about his friends? Is he trying to avoid certain people or teachers?

PollyPut · 06/12/2022 14:32

Have you had a parents meeting recently? Are there certain homeworks not being done?

Also is he year 9 or 10? If year 10 and there is a certain GCSE subject which is causing problems, the sooner you address this the better. If year 9 then he chooses options soon which may help (and may encourage him)

Definitely talk to him

Original poster

fanati7303 · 06/12/2022 15:44

There's no pattern as it's just random days, the other days he's fine to go. He's in year 9, he does all his homework so it isn't because of that.

OP posts:

walnutmarzipan · 06/12/2022 15:50

I would sit him down and have an honest chat explaining that you've noticed a pattern of illness and is there anything at school that's bothering him. Tell him you won't be angry and you're there to listen. Sometimes having a conversation in the car or by text message is better as they don't feel so much pressure and are more likely to open up.

I used to say I felt sick all the time because I didn't want to go to school. I didn't even realise that what I was feeling was anxiety at the time, I just hated the feeling of being there. Got to the point that my mum took me to the doctors and I even lied to them and got sent for a barium swallow at the hospital 😬

TheTreeDilemma · 06/12/2022 15:52

Is he being bullied?

PineappleWilson · 06/12/2022 16:04

I have a year 9 boy who had a cold last week and was testing the water to see how ill he had to be to not go to school (he lacked the high temperature his sibling had earlier in the week, got dosed up with calpol and sent along anway) so I get this. If I have any doubt of the authenticity of a child claiming to be ill, they get to stay in bed with an audio book from the library, so they have something to listen to, but, for me, if you're well enough for computer games and TV, you're well enough to be at school unless recuperating from something.

I would sit DS down and explain that this is his chance to share with you what is going on as you don't believe that he's ill, and he'll be going into school from hereon in, unless you know what's going on for him. Anxiety, with the stomach ache, would be my guess too, but you'd need to unpick whether that's friendship related, homework, bullying, too high a set for a specific class etc. I'd also get in touch with the school and speak to the head of year. They then know that you're trying to deal with this (our high school are doing a big push on attendance) and want them to know what concerns you have. They can pick up issues in school too.

If he's well by 11am, take him in. I've phoned school to check what time afternoon school started because a vomiting 48 hour exclusion ended at 11am, and he went in that afternoon. I think you have to be a bit more "tough love" over this.

PineappleWilson · 06/12/2022 16:09

@fanati7303 just for the record, you were right to send him in today. This isn't illness.

"This morning when I got him up for school he said he was sick last night and he felt warm and unwell (he didn't have a fever to which he argued the thermometer was ‘wrong’). He got dressed very slowly whenever I tried to hurry him along he kept saying he felt sick." is teenage acting.

Thermometers aren't wrong. If he takes ages getting dressed, he misses out on breakfast before he goes for his bus.

Original poster

fanati7303 · 06/12/2022 21:20

No - I don't think he's being bullied as it isn't everyday. I've asked before if anything at schools bothering him but he's always said no. He came home from school and was fine. Went out with his friends etc but he's now saying he still feels unwell. He also hasn't eaten his dinner which I'm not sure is genuine or to ‘prove’ he's unwell even though he isn't.

OP posts:

PollyPut · 06/12/2022 22:56

Have you changed the lighting recently, or anything else in the environment at home that might be an environmental trigger for him to feel unwell? You seem to be saying it's only at home that he's saying he's unwell

Original poster

fanati7303 · 07/12/2022 10:19

No I haven't changed anything recently, he is saying he only feels unwell at home yes. But at weekends etc he never ever complains of being unwell

OP posts:

PineappleWilson · 07/12/2022 10:22

I would ignore such comments from him, even if just as an early reminder that, once of working age, you drag yourself out of bed and head off if you're feeling a bit ropey. Just continue with "morning" conversations - breakfast options, have you done your teeth etc. You'll know if he's unwell.

walkinwardrobe · 07/12/2022 10:35

As others have said I 'd just "monitor" the situation, as keep an eye on it. I don't think you were in the wrong to send him in, but also in other occasions you weren't in the wrong to sometimes let him stay off.
Explain clearly that if he uses the physical illness card, because he feels you are more likely to agree, to get of school for another reason, be it struggling with another issue or just laziness, then as a parent you will find the decision making much more difficult and be inclined to send him in when maybe it warranted staying home.
Track these episodes for a month say, and reassess. either ignore unless you see symptoms or investigate further. Any possible food intolerances/ allergies. Coeliac?

Original poster

fanati7303 · 07/12/2022 11:28

I think I will continue to ignore him unless I can see he's unwell. I don't think it's a food intolerance as he eats pretty much the same foods everyday without complaining he feels unwell. He went into school fine today so I think it's just he wants the day off.

OP posts:

Ozgirl75 · 07/12/2022 11:35

My son has had some anxious feelings on and off this year, mainly because his teacher has been utterly awful.
We’ve had a few varied ailments, stomach pain, that kind of thing. We had a big chat about how sometimes when we’re worried about things, we have pains that feel real, but aren’t caused by anything actually being wrong.
The school psychologist was very helpful, and gave us some bits to read on things we can control and those we can’t, dealing with “worst case scenarios” etc.
Equally, I haven’t let him have any days off. I did take him to the Dr though for a full check up so I could remind him that there was nothing physically wrong.
Ive been kind though, he was feeling pain, and worry and I wanted to be nice about that, while making him see that he had to face the difficult things in life.

Marblessolveeverything · 07/12/2022 11:40

I would suggest anxiety, however, my eldest went through this for a bit and happened at weekend also.

We eventually discovered he has allergy to an ingredient in a new toothpaste. By the time we had the issue identified I had read every book on how to support anxious teen !

yahpahha · 07/12/2022 11:43

I used to do this when I was in high school, looking back I didn't really have any friends and I was bullied and sometimes just couldn't be arsed dealing with it so I would pretend to be sick, especially in the younger years. When I made a better friendship group and showed that the bullies didn't bother me then my attendance went up.

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